Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work • Hacker News Board

Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#1

Post by Throwaway49202 » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 9:45 PM UTC

I have a strong case of ADHD. Can't take medication that would help me due to other medical reasons. I'm also not a social person and now have developed strong anxiety after consistently failing for a decade (working on that with a psychologist/psychiatrist but it's been a year and so far no significant improvement).

I have long periods when I just can't focus on doing anything at all (2-10 weeks) followed by short periods of extreme focused activity (1-3 weeks).

I'm unable to hold a job. I'm "the best programmer they've ever seen" but only for the first month - then they start to hate me because I'm not working.

Programming is the only thing I can do - and the only thing that makes me enough money to survive. I was unable to finish high school, anything resembling academia sounds like absolute torture.

What to do? Please help me.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#2

Post by Throwaway49202 » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 9:54 PM UTC

To expand, I am in the European union but since I've never paid social insurance I'm not eligible for any state help. I'm already in debt, this is just something I can't afford to pay. I had a lot of trouble paying my health insurance debt so I could go to the psychiatrist.

Regardless, in the POV of the state I'm a high income individual so I am not eligible anyways. I make about $50/hour and they don't care I'm out of a job for 2/3 of a year. Unemployment allowance office actually tried to call the police on me because they thought I'm trying to steal from the government.

ADHD is not recognized adult medical condition here so I can't be recognized as disabled.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#3

Post by saperyton » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:06 PM UTC

Many unmedicated people with ADHD have this problem and have figured out their own process for working through the funk period.

On a personal level, exercise and coffee have been magical for me. When I'm not feeling it, the task is getting to the coffee pot, but once I'm there the motivation comes on its own. Walking 40-60 minutes outside does wonders as well.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#4

Post by Throwaway49202 » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:09 PM UTC

saperyton wrote: post #3

Many unmedicated people with ADHD have this problem and have figured out their own process for working through the funk period. On a personal level, exercise and coffee have been magical for me. When I'm not feeling it, the task is getting to the coffee pot, but once I'm there the motivation comes on its own. Walking 40-60 minutes outside does wonders as well.

Unfortunately coffee even in small doses makes me paranoid and anxious so much I become absolute clusterfuck (literally start believing aliens are coming). Same with marihuana. This is part of the reason why I can't get medication - Ritalin does this to me too.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#5

Post by searchableguy » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:10 PM UTC

Throwaway49202 wrote: post #2

To expand, I am in the European union but since I've never paid social insurance I'm not eligible for any state help. I'm already in debt, this is just something I can't afford to pay. I had a lot of trouble paying my health insurance debt so I could go to the psychiatrist. Regardless, in the POV of the state I'm a high income individual so I am not eligible anyways. I make about $50/hour and they don't care I'm out…

Where in European union?

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#6

Post by saperyton » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:11 PM UTC

Throwaway49202 wrote: post #4

saperyton wrote: post #3

Many unmedicated people with ADHD have this problem and have figured out their own process for working through the funk period. On a personal level, exercise and coffee have been magical for me. When I'm not feeling it, the task is getting to the coffee pot, but once I'm there the motivation comes on its own. Walking 40-60 minutes outside does wonders as well.

Unfortunately coffee even in small doses makes me paranoid and anxious so much I become absolute clusterfuck (literally start believing aliens are coming). Same with marihuana. This is part of the reason why I can't get medication - Ritalin does this to me too.

How about working out? I recently found out that the most productive engineer on my team runs every morning before work which makes a lot of sense. He's always firing on all cylinders.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#7

Post by Throwaway49202 » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:13 PM UTC

saperyton wrote: post #6

Throwaway49202 wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately coffee even in small doses makes me paranoid and anxious so much I become absolute clusterfuck (literally start believing aliens are coming). Same with marihuana. This is part of the reason why I can't get medication - Ritalin does this to me too.

How about working out? I recently found out that the most productive engineer on my team runs every morning before work which makes a lot of sense. He's always firing on all cylinders.

I admit it feels great and it does help - but it doesn't really help me turn the tide when I'm in the 3+week phase of inability to focus on anything at all. It's also super-hard to do it in this phase.

But I will try again, thank you for reminding me it feels good.

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#8

Post by Throwaway49202 » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:13 PM UTC

searchableguy wrote: post #5

Throwaway49202 wrote: post #2

To expand, I am in the European union but since I've never paid social insurance I'm not eligible for any state help. I'm already in debt, this is just something I can't afford to pay. I had a lot of trouble paying my health insurance debt so I could go to the psychiatrist. Regardless, in the POV of the state I'm a high income individual so I am not eligible anyways. I make about $50/hour and they don't care I'm out…

Where in European union?

Slovakia

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#9

Post by hackyourbrain » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:14 PM UTC

> I'm unable to hold a job. I'm "the best programmer they've ever seen" but only for the first month - then they start to hate me because I'm not working.

I feel this lol

I've seen medication that can help with ADHD without necessarily having strain on the heart such as Semax - the problem being that it costs tons of money. There are also basic factors that can help you such as exercice and sleep. You can find them on PubMed and Reddit.

I've also found Beeminder+Toggl Track to help me get the initial boost to work even when unmedicated. It's a software combination that will make you pay e.g. 5€ if you don't work at least X hours today.

At small doses it's exciting, but depressing at high ones ;)

(I've spent +100€ on Beeminder but the ROI is wildly positive)

Re: Ask HN: Experienced software engineer – but unable to consistently work

#10

Post by kortex » Tue, Nov 22, 2022, 10:27 PM UTC

I definitely relate to this. Have you tried Upwork or similar temp work? I know it can be rough in its own ways, but it was critical for me to stay afloat during a particularly rough period.

Your best bet aside from temp work is finding a company whose culture is very open and compatible to your neurotype. You may even find success working with or even for an NGO/company which works with disability placement. We call them "Disability resource center" here, the name may vary.

Do you keep a mood journal, or otherwise track your productivity? I'd try to track what causes your down periods in the hopes of mitigating them. But also I know how random and arbitrary the fluctuations can feel.