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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#1

Post by caspercrf »

I met my wife about 12 years ago and at the time, we were making about the same salary ~$70k. Over the years both our salaries went up about the same until we both got to the $100k mark. About 5 years ago her career has really accelerated and her total comp is 2.5x what I'm making. On top of her salary, she hit the startup lotto and had a large cash buyout.

We had a hard time dealing with this at first, I was jealous and a little bitter, and she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation. In the end, we decided that the buyout money would go to retirement and not be touched. As for out salary, we decided that we would both spend as if we both made my salary, and anything above that, she would put in a rainy day fund for home improvements or traveling etc. This arrangement kind of worked until it came time to use that rainy day funds and she started feeling that we were spending her money.

I've heard of this situation with Lawyers/Doctors where one spouse supported the other while they went to school, but once they started to practice, the income spread was huge. How have FANG engineers or anyone else with a big income disparity learned to deal with the situation?

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#2

Post by metadat »

I'm always happy to share my money with her and we generally make large decisions together (more than a few thousand USD). I'm currently earning about 6x what she does.

She's more than capable of taking care of herself, plus we'll soon take on a crippling mortgage anyway. Ymmv.

Money is stupid, I try to spend as little time as needed thinking about it, life is too short.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#3

Post by telman17 »

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and we will remain that once she earns a full time salary as well.

If I get a big raise or promotion my wife is excited not jealous and I have never felt like she was using “my” money.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#4

Post by wonnor »

There are three main possible future outcomes:

1. You get divorced and she keeps her money

2. As a couple, you never spend "her" money because it's "her" money. You die having spent none of the money

3. At some point in the future, you start spending "her" money

(3) doesn't make sense given she's uncomfortable with it now. (2) also doesn't make much sense. So to me it seems like either she's acting irrationally or expects that (1) is a strong possibility.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#5

Post by aprdm »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

Yeah similar situation here... it was just never an issue or a conversation really.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#6

Post by 0xChain »

I currently pay for pretty much everything while she’s still undergoing her doctorate studies. The expectation is we’ll then split all bills 50/50 once she graduates and her career is in full swing.

So for now, she helps with tidying up the house, cooking some meals when her studies allow, and other random things as her way of contributing. I don’t ask this of her; she just does it because she’s cool af.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to always be transparent about money. Never hide things. And be mutually respectful, while creating a plan that is balanced and works for both levels of income.

Life is too short. Don’t waste it arguing about money.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#7

Post by flappyeagle »

I used to make 2x my spouse. Now she makes 2x me. She’s at a FANG and I’m not. The way we handle it is we spend well under our means and go 50-50 on everything through various mechanisms.

Fundamentally our money is shared but the accounting keeps incentives fully intact.

Sounds similar to the OP in practice

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#8

Post by popotamonga »

I make 5x what she makes, what we do is just put it all in the same account, and then each one gets an allowance (same for both) to spend on whatever they want ( for me it's bicycles for her it's whatever). We get along just fine.

What if one day i/her want to buy something very expensive, like a 100k or whatever? I don't know i'm not into expensive stuff and neither is she but we would decide together.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#10

Post by EtienneK »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

Yup, same here. Pool all your money and don’t care who it came from.
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