Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

news.ycombinator.com

1–10 of 43 posts

Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#1
I have a couple of fantastic colleagues that are always willing to help and have built a large base of connections and influence. Their connections are helping them always know the latest news in the company and be exposed to more opportunities. They also get a much preferable yearly evaluation. On top of the benefits above, my definition of a good person includes helping others.

But, every time someone asks me for help, or sometimes when I find an informative article, I'm hesitant to sharing it and helping others.

Anybody had the same issue? What could be the causes?

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#2
Maybe you are scared that they won’t find the article as informative as you think it is? I would start by sharing things with your closest colleague and branch out from there with incremental sharing/helping. That first time someone says “I think I heard about x from you initially actually” the positive feedback loop will have started.

Honestly, this took me years before I saw it but it will happen.

Think of it this way: social norms mean that you will likely only ever receive the positive feedback from your sharing, not negative feedback. And even if you got negative feedback, how bad could it be? “I already knew that” or “interesting.. but i couldn’t finish it” “but thanks for thinking of me!!”

Hope this helps :).

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#5
One thing you could consider is short-term versus long-term gain in future decision making. You already know that the colleagues who offer help and information are finding success at a greater rate than you.

Consider that information the next time you are approached. The short term cost of helping or sharing information will pay back in that longer-term success.

While some people may expect you to change your actions to be a good person, in reality, helping others and sharing helpful information will give you an advantage in future.

That's one of the things about doing good; it pays off in the longer term through personal contentment and often (but not always) in meaningful success.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#6

The cause is that you are selfish and want to look after yourself. You need to let go of your ego and be happy for the success of others.

While it’s possible that selfishness is involved in some way, reducing it to selfishness alone is unnecessarily judgmental. Examining the source of that selfishness would be more helpful for someone like OP who wants to understand/change.

Selfishness can come from many places. The need for self preservation is not inherently bad or wrong. But when it surfaces in a context like this, it provides an opportunity for someone like the OP to understand themselves better. We’re not competing for the last scrap of food, and so these instincts don’t always serve us well.

I grew up in a traumatic environment. My self preservation instincts are highly attuned. This led to some default behaviors that some would label selfish. I’m now one of the most helpful people I know, as shared by those around me and I find great satisfaction in it.

This didn’t come naturally, and I had to cultivate the mindset. I wasn’t selfish because I didn’t want to help people, I was selfish because I was afraid of my own failure and the perceived ramifications of that failure (ultimately: loss of income and starvation).

I eventually learned that being helpful can be one the most self preserving things I can do, because it helped me built a support system that now stands strong.

Selfishness is a symptom, not necessarily the cause. It’s worth examining, but saying “stop being selfish” could be as useful as saying “stop being depressed” if the source is something deeper.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#9
No offense, but I sense from your writing that English may not be your first language. I am American but have done business all over the world. In the USA a more collaborative business/work environment is the norm vs Eastern countries where win/win is not really a concept and business/work tends to be much lower trust and more adversarial.

I have no way of knowing but perhaps there are some cultural tendencies at play here? If you think that might be the case, and you do want to be more helpful and collaborative I would suggest a therapist to help you work through these feelings. It may sound like overkill but if you posted about this it is clearly important to you and worth exploring a bit.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#10
post #8

It doesn’t matter, helping others: it’s part of your job.

I was stand-offish at work for a few years, until I got layed off and realized "being a stand up guy and getting along with your co-workers" is a hidden requirement on every job description. For people like OP, it may seem like helping others "isn't like them." Well, sitting in a cubicle for 1/3 of my life isn't my raisin d'etre either. That's what the money is for! I pretend I'm an actor playing "Software Engineer 8" on a hyper realistic TV show no one films or watches.
Post reply on HN