Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#1

Post by tren » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:07 PM UTC

Hey HN,

I know some of you have been down this road already. My dad is 86, my mum is 79 and my dad refuses to leave his house until he dies. It's our family home from when I was growing up, 2 stories and my dad currently crawls his way up the stairs each day to use his computer. He won't even consider moving down to the first floor (stubborn).

I have my own young family and my partner and I have jobs, so I'm basically looking for how you juggled your way through this part of life and if you have any pointers. I'm 41 btw.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#2

Post by catlikesshrimp » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:32 PM UTC

Life is hard for honest people. Just so you know. Good luck

An older uncle I had insisted on stepping stairs everyday. One day he fell off the stairs, and died.

Her wife, my older aunt, had help. Three hired people took turns to keep an eye on her around the clock. She still died because she fell off the bed several times in spite of that.

See a therapist yourself, try to remind family to help (usually a failure), pay for the help you can.

In the past I used to tell my mother that I would send her to a retirement home when she couldn't be independent. She shortened the discussion everytime until it was just a two word answer "F U" Now it is a running joke but I acknowledge she prefers any other alternative if I want to help. And since I want to help she probably won't end in a care home.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#3

Post by Blackstone4 » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:41 PM UTC

Can you make the home more accessible? i.e. put in a chair lift for the stairs

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#4

Post by lettergram » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:42 PM UTC

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible.

Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen.

All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food service can lighten their load. Similarly, consider a cleaner for yourself! And give yourself more time to spend with them and your young family.

At the end of the day, they’re their individuals. I suspect they’ll have some thoughts. It’s honestly hard to watch sometimes, but all you can do is try to spend time and enjoy each other’s company.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#5

Post by Dumblydorr » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:43 PM UTC

You're saying his bedroom is on the first floor and he only goes upstairs for computer? If so, I'd go ahead and move his computer down for him.

Older individuals eventually need to accept that their autonomy is going away. They're mentally declining, they're already physically declined. They're not in a fit state to decide basic things like: how to prevent falls. While it may be your father's right to stay in his home stubbornly, I don't think it's ridiculous to ask him to minimize the potentially deadly fall risk of a staircase at 86.

Do family members really have the right to tell their own nuclear family: I am correct to risk my life, you are wrong for trying to keep me safe? I think if your nuclear family suggests such a slam dunk win, it's best to just accept it.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#6

Post by azemetre » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:49 PM UTC

Blackstone4 wrote: post #3

Can you make the home more accessible? i.e. put in a chair lift for the stairs

Be very weary about this and investigate carefully, IDK the financials of OPs family but they can become a costly burden to maintain and fix if issues arise. Especially if they are on a fixed income.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#7

Post by em2k » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:50 PM UTC

No good advice to share on the juggling bit, and I apologize if this sounds ghoulish, but plan now for their eventual incapacity. If they haven't done so already, get all of their financial info together in one place while they are still able to help you. Mortgage/deed, car info, credit cards, major recurring payments, investments,and insurance policies. Also all email and web passwords.

I would also suggest a visit to an estate lawyer to make sure that wills are in order and that there's a plan for all major assets.

All of this can be difficult if your parents are in denial and plan on living forever, but the more you can do now, the better off you will be later

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#8

Post by brutus1213 » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:50 PM UTC

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my family with them just would not work. Back in the old country, houses were designed for this scenario .. 2 stories (old parents can live on first story and not have to deal with stairs; second story where the younger generation lives. Things like kitchen and dining were replicated on both stories. My spouse and I sometimes wonder why so many people who could choose to migrate to the west still stay in India, Pakistan, etc. It is a reminder that those societies do a few things better than the west.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#9

Post by bserge » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:52 PM UTC

My worthless thoughts:

Try to talk them into some changes, if they don't agree, make sure they're certain and leave them be.

It's their choice, and treating them like senile idiots like the other commenter said is just a major dick move.

Whatever you do, don't stick them in the hospital on their death bed if they tell you they want to die at home.

Imagine being 80-90, waiting to die and wishing it happens in your bed and your family sticks you on life support among strangers so you can "live" another week or month or goddamn year.

No one deserves that.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#10

Post by bluGill » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 1:54 PM UTC

When he is at home he is only a harm to himself. At his age if that is the risk he wants to take... (though do make him wear an emergency call button in case he survives a fall)

I'm more worried about other things. How do you take his drivers license away? I know far too many old people who keep driving even while they are a real danger to others. If there is bus system in town get him a schedule and post it by the door, even get him a monthly pass. Or he might qualify for the local disabled transit (don't call it that in front of him) to get rides wherever.