Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#1

Post by krmboya » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 12:03 PM UTC

Even in a CS class (in this part of the world anyway), not so many people might be as interested in coding as you are. It's therefore you and your laptop mostly, with the effect that you lag behind in developing social skills (I sometimes feel like an 8 year old among teenagers). The loneliness even saps my programming energy. Does anyone else experience the same, and how do you cope with it, including bringing yourself to interacting with members of the opposite sex?

EDIT: Not suicidal or anything like that. Just want to hear you opinions.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#2

Post by banjo » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 12:39 PM UTC

I have no specific advice for you but I had a similar experience during my youth and I can convey some advice that an old mentor gave me at the time:

If you find something you are passionate about and share it with others you will not have to find friends, they will find you.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#3

Post by checker659 » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:20 PM UTC

I have the exact same problem in my CS class. I cope with the issue by coming to HN or more recently, by reading up stuff on programming related sub-reddits (/r/programming, /r/python etc.).

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#4

Post by hexadecimator » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:26 PM UTC

I went through 14 years of Catholic schools before going to university.

When I started out, I realised that everyone else was new like me so I took initiative and introduced people to each other, etc. At the time I was very excited about going there because I would meet new people, people like me.

People kinda picked up on that vibe when I started I guess. To be honest, I normally wasn't like that. But anyway, I realised quickly that if you are the kind of person who is seen as friendly, approachable, etc. then people will want to hang out with you, and invite you to things, etc.

An important thing to realise as well is, you don't really have a lot of common interests to be friends with people. I've met great people over the years who were totally different to me. Having things in common helps but, relationships in general to me are more about understanding, not checking off a list of things we both like.

Being on your laptop really isn't an excuse not to socialise. Most of my time in my CS classes was spent in the lab, with a laptop sure, but I mean people need to eat and of course have their all important coffee breaks... or even just to get up and walk around for a bit. The thing is, if you're seen to just spend all your time alone / on your laptop then people will just assume things like you're busy / don't want to be disturbed etc.

As for members of the opposite sex, well, I can say that things got better for me as I got older. It might seem like a really big deal now but when you look back years later, you might not feel that way.

For approaching women, dating, etc, know that chances are if you're new to the game, you will screw up. That's nothing to be worried about or take personally though.

I see you're doing CS so I mean, chances are when you started programming you will have made mistakes along the way, even basic syntax errors. Heck, you can still write software for years and still make mistakes. So I mean, it's like anything really just practice and you'll get better.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#5

Post by ComputerGuru » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:28 PM UTC

Get a job outside the dorm/studio/home to fill your free time. Get a cat. Play RPG games.

(not being sarcastic, that's how I dealt with my five years of university)

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#6

Post by codedivine » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:36 PM UTC

Join a few meetup groups in the city. For example, there might be technical meetup groups about Linux, Python etc as well as non-technical meetup groups about a ton of interesting activities like music or food or various hobbies. Various foreign language conversation groups can also be interesting. I found a few meetups through meetup.com and Craigslist and even started one or two.

The other suggestion would be to maintain the friendships you already have! Don't forget them even if you are in a new city now. I regularly call up old friends and my family and ask how they are doing.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#7

Post by seltzered » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:42 PM UTC

Is there a ACM club or something similar (robotics perhaps?) at your school? If not, it can't hurt to try to start one and attract others with the same problem as you. You never know how many others at your school may be feeling the same way, even if it's just a couple others.

disclaimer: if you do start a club, make sure it doesn't become too elitist or cultish, I felt really out of place because I didn't know anything at a robotics club before, but once the seniors left we restructured it to be more inviting to folks with a will to learn.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#8

Post by edburgess » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:42 PM UTC

You're a programmer right? You build web apps and stuff? When you build one and launch it out into the world, do you expect everyone to drop everything and flock to your website? I hope not. You need to reach out, as uncomfortable as it might be, and engage people. It's hard work.

Now let's take your personal life. When you're at your computer most of the day, do you expect people to magically gravitate to you and be your friend? If so, you're living in a Field of Dreams. You're fooling yourself.

Try Rejection Therapy: http://www.rejectiontherapy.com. It's like a radical new form of networking. I've heard so many amazing stories of people pushing past their fear to make a rejection, and it ends up starting an amazing new friendship.

Stop being attached to outcomes. Stop being obedient to fear. Stop driving down that same road, day after day. You'll end up in the same lonely destination. Put on the 4 wheel drive and start off-roading into new territory. It's exhilarating.

People want to meet you, but you have to meet them halfway.

For inspiration, look at how this guy does it: http://sneakylittlefox.tumblr.com/

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#9

Post by swah » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:44 PM UTC

I'm not practicing it, but you can always go to a totally different place where you can just be a more social person (gym, some art class, etc).

OTOH, I'm do not envy those folks that are friends of everyone and anyone. Frequently they are lonely too, on a deeper level.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#10

Post by cies » Sat, Dec 11, 2010, 1:46 PM UTC

a friend told me once that "friendship is based on trust and mutual interests". maybe not 100% true, but not a bad starting point i think.

it is easy to work on these. just look at people you tend to trust easily, and eminate the qualities that allow you to trust them. (act well grounded, speak slowly and softly, look people in the eyes when talking to them, act caring)

nurturing broad interests is also not too hard: decide often you think somehting is interesting... nobody likes everything, but not liking (or disliking) something clearly raises barriers in getting to know new people. for instance i dont care much for football (soccer), actually i dont care much for sports in general: by this i miss out on a lot of easy socializing. [i consider to start liking sports just for this reason]

for making intimate relations (opposite sex or same sex, im openminded here) i suggest using the friendship route. just build a friendship, but make sure to let know you are interested in getting intimate in a polite manner: a long hug, a kiss on the cheek, a hand kiss, expressing you really like him/her. rejection is not a big of a deal when you build friendship first -- it is not bad to have friends that you would like to get intimate with but are not.

it helps to get intimate with people if you feel comfy with your body. so dance, practice yoga, taichi, sports, gym, or what ever... i prefer dance. :)

please let me know if this was helpful advice.