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Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

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Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#1

Post by mattblalock »

On September 4th my father and lifetime business mentor was murdered. We spoke daily, often for more than an hour, about business, psychology, economics, or simply life. Since his death, I barely know what to do with myself. Even nearly three months later, I'm still emotionally in limbo.

I've come to the conclusion that I must move forward. I'm sure some of you (sadly) have similar experiences - how did you put your life together again?

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#2

Post by dawson »

I'm sorry for your loss. I found that time does heal most wounds. From experience, try not to make any big decisions right now, you'll tend to be emotive and reactional, rather than rational. Eat healthy and get lots of sleep (psychological effects of trauma cause real physical effects).

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#3

Post by Mz »

No one close to me has died, but I have had other big traumas in my life and big changes. I found that going out and finding something constructive to fill my time was a good move at some point, sometimes after having a period of mourning/wrapping my brain around the issue. I also spent some time in my twenties watching tear-jerk movies (alone and late at night) and crying my eyes out. After a while of that, I stopped feeling sad all the time. It helped me release those emotions.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#4

Post by ecaradec »

Whenever I feel bad because the world around me is falling, I always repeat myself that it's just a normal reaction. Take your time, it's ok be sad, you don't have to accomodate people around you.

You were also very lucky to have build such a warm relationship with your father, something many childs are never able to do and regret later. Only time will make you feel better, and he still be here with you as you'll remember his insights all your life.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#6

Post by michael_dorfman »

First of all: remember that you are lucky. I know it's hard to see it that way right now, but you were given an incredible gift in the time that the two of you had together. The fact that it was cut short so abruptly and meaninglessly doesn't take away from that; if anything, it highlights it.

In terms of "how", there is no magic answer; you just try to keep learning, and keep giving to others, to the best of your ability.

You say that you used to speak for an hour each day; I'd suggest that you spend a portion of that time writing down things you remember-- lessons, anecdotes, etc. The time may come, years from now, when you'll be glad you have some tangible reminders of his advice.

Good luck to you.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#7

Post by perucoder »

Sorry to hear about your loss. Like the other's have said, time will make things easier to deal with. Be alert though for signs of destructive behavior, as this can make your life even more complicated. Increases in drinking/drugging, isolating oneself, excessive risk taking, etc.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#8

Post by transmit101 »

Three months is not much time at all to deal with a situation of this magnitude. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself a lot more time. In my own personal experience, it took 2 years to deal with losing somebody close to me. Even after that of course, things were never the same as before, but I eventually felt myself again, and could enjoy the memories I held. Again personally, but I found keeping a journal a great release. Good luck

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#9

Post by cowmixtoo »

mattblalock: My business mentor / great friend died a little over a year ago and its been very hard to adjust. There really isn't anything to say that will help except for it will take time to adjust and move on. In my case I was "lucky" because my associate died of cancer so I was able to say final "goodbyes", etc. In fact, he final gift to me was being able to describe the process of dying and how he felt at each stage.

BTW, it turns out there ARE atheists in foxholes.

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