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Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

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Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#1

Post by vijayr »

Not referring to "grit your teeth and be fake polite" which I've noticed many people do. But genuinely be calm (when production systems go down and customers are yelling, for example) and kind (especially when others around us are unreasonable just because they can) and lastly, be kind to self. And absolutely not use crap like sarcasm to deal with the situation.

Any tools that worked for you in professional and personal life?

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#2

Post by locococo »

I found Stoicism to be helpful in such events and a good philosophy in general. For this particular application you have to accept That there are external events you can’t control but there are certain things you can do to improve the situation. So instead of focusing on the external and getting all stressed About it you think about what the best course of action is you can take to help the situation.

Sorry for my rambling I am just starting to learn the concepts myself from this book: A Guide to the good life

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#3

Post by zzzcpan »

For dealing with people learning psychology helps, you'll see people differently and eventually accept irrational behavior as a norm and won't care as much. For production systems designing for failure and learning how to do it also makes failures mundane, you'll start expecting them to happen all the time, even inducing them on purpose, and won't care.

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#4

Post by dfraser992 »

The first things that come to mind is Buddhism or Sufism. You might think associated meditative techniques would be all that you need, but I don't think them alone do much without a surrounding framework to guide you in changing yourself and how you relate to others, the outer world, your inner world, reality... That is the subtext I am picking up on in your question. Or stoicism like someone else said, if you don't want anything too connotative of 'religion'.

Sarcasm, OTOH, is sometimes useful. It's knowing when is the trick. Justifiable expressions of anger are sometimes necessary; at the very least, ignoring it means you are ignoring something pertinent and meaningful to yourself which shouldn't be ignored. How to take action based on that anger is another question...

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#5

Post by misframer »

locococo wrote: post #2

I found Stoicism to be helpful in such events and a good philosophy in general. For this particular application you have to accept That there are external events you can’t control but there are certain things you can do to improve the situation. So instead of focusing on the external and getting all stressed About it you think about what the best course of action is you can take to help the situation. Sorry for my ra…

I agree. I recommend reading "The Daily Stoic" as a good introduction, and the format makes you think about the principles on a daily basis.

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#6

Post by locococo »

misframer wrote: post #5
locococo wrote: post #2

I found Stoicism to be helpful in such events and a good philosophy in general. For this particular application you have to accept That there are external events you can’t control but there are certain things you can do to improve the situation. So instead of focusing on the external and getting all stressed About it you think about what the best course of action is you can take to help the situation. Sorry for my ra…

I agree. I recommend reading "The Daily Stoic" as a good introduction, and the format makes you think about the principles on a daily basis.

Thank you for the book tip. I will add it to my list.

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#7

Post by jabv »

In Catholicism (and probably in some other religions), there is a practice of an "examination of conscience." It has helped me to make improvements of the kind you refer to.

Basically, the essence is to take 5 minutes at the very end of the day to think back through each hour of the day, perhaps with a couple of focus questions (eg "did I become angry, even internally"). You use your will to sincerely regret anything that you think was wrong, and maybe use a bit of problem solving to see how it could have gone differently.

Five minutes at the end of the day (maybe it stays on your mind as you sleep? but that's just my bro-science) every day for a month should help you make some small steps.

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#8

Post by k4ch0w »

I would say weightlifting has made me much calmer in my day to day. If I workout in the morning, nothing else can bring me down during the day. It's just the iron against me. If I can conquer my mind telling me I can't do that I'm too weak, and repeatedly prove it wrong then, what else is my mind wrong about?

It annoys my girlfriend sometimes because nothing really bugs me or gets me really upset though she tries her best. I would say this, and stoicism are big reasons why. There are also numerous studies that show exercise reduces stress an improves your overall well being.

Re: Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

#9

Post by staunch »

1. Realizing how life short is, how precious it is, and how much you don't want your life to have been about causing other people pain.

2. Realizing that everyone is doing their best, because no one chooses their genetics or environment. No one is trying to be bad at life, and no one is ultimately responsible for being good at life. Everyone is just doing the best with the hand they were dealt. Being incredibly understanding and forgiving of peoples' faults is the only logical thing to do.

The difficulty is keeping this in the center of your mind while your brain experiences real world stressors (see #2).

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