Ask HN: One of my coworkers accused me of sexism, should I tell HR?

The other day my team was doing a small release. A female coworker, let's call her Sarah, reviewed and approved my PR for it. After deploying, someone else noticed some minor issues, and we decided to fix them. Sarah walked over and asked what's up so I told her. She realized a particular story was included in the release and was annoyed that I didn't "inform" her of it and implied I was sloppy. Surprised, I said I thought we were all on the same page and that now wasn't a good time because I was fixing stuff. She continued. I said I understood, but "you don't need to lecture me on this right now", and we could discuss afterwards.

The next day Sarah and I discuss. I pull up the PR and point out how obvious the story was. The discussion became increasingly heated and she said I had an attitude problem, and said my remark was "demeaning to say to a woman", and it's already bad enough in tech. This set off alarms to me. I immediately denied it having anything to do with her gender, or anything about her except the way she was acting, and to please not imply that I'm sexist or I'd have to walk away. She sort of backtracked, but it was already out there.

I admit I used a poor choice of words, but I don't believe I am sexist, nor do I have a history of making sexual remarks or advances on women.

Now I'm concerned she might tell HR or my manager and I don't want to be on the defensive. I'm afraid this could ruin my career. It's worth noting that she's a physical person and pats or hits me on the arm frequently in jest (I don't reciprocate), and has made a few sexual jokes privately, which I didn't think were a big deal at the time but now I'm rethinking it.

I'm not even sure WHAT I should tell HR, if anything at all.

HR are not your friends. The clue is in the name: human resources. You are just a resource to be managed. And managed out if you become a problem. HR's main function is reducing legal exposure risk due to harassment lawsuits etc. That, and removing human resources that have become a liability. IMHO you should write up a set of notes on the jokes and physical behavior, and anything else that you can think of that will make HR think that firing you will cause them more legal grief than keeping you on.

I would not say anything at all. I would keep all interactions with Sarah as professional as possible, including not reciprocating physical contact or jokes. I would also keep a log of any times she engages in physical contact or inappropriate jokes, and document any interaction in which you felt uncomfortable or were accosted by her. Accusing you of sexual harassment is a non-starter, and that should immediately terminate any friendship you may have between each other. Friends don't accuse each other of creating hostile work environments. Sarah might let it slide this time, but next time you say something she deems inappropriate, you might be having a meeting with HR about "repeated patterns of sexism" or something.

Like others have posted, HR is not your friend. Do not voluntarily talk to them unless they have specific questions or concerns to ask you. If they do that, what you want is to have a strong enough paper trail that any complaints Sarah brings against you are properly rebutted.

One thing I would not do right now is apologize. An apology can be seen as a confession. You want to do what you said you did: assert your innocence in the matter, ask for a retraction, and walk away if none is given.

I have other thoughts on this (e.g., start looking for a new job), which I'd be happy to expand upon if you want, but I think the safest thing for you to do right now is just cease any non-professional contact and document the crap out of everything she says or does to use in case of an inquiry.

Good luck.

[sexism on]

>> she's a physical person and pats or hits me on the arm frequently in jest (I don't reciprocate), and has made a few sexual jokes privately

Is she physical and makes sexual jokes to her other co-workers too or only to you? In the latter case

>> [she] said my remark was "demeaning to say to a woman"

reads like "I want you to recognise me as a woman you dumbass". It's a "women say something and mean the opposit" thing.

[sexism off]

Anyhow, listen to the advice of Jemaclus and don't fuck the company!

This is how you never move up to high paid positions. You need to develop relationships with people across the business to do well.