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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#91

Post by kevinfiol »

I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):

* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers

* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.

* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#92

Post by pstuart »

Check out improv if that might be your jam. I was effectively in the same situation (more so, via the empty-nest syndrome). Couple that to moving to a new town and working remotely, the isolation was devastating.

Improv pretty much selects for people that are playful, intelligent, and kind (it's a team sport after all).

Another aspect is learn to dance. Dance communities can be very strong, and dancing is a wonderful activity on so many levels. I initially went with expectations of meeting somebody, but now it's solely for the activity and sense of community.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#93

Post by jbs789 »

I remember reading once that the biggest predictor of friendship/relationships was physical proximity. And a book about a spy who built a relationship with and turned a diplomat by appearing at/around the same grocery store repeatedly, gradually building familiarity then trust.

I often think about these examples. And as much as hobbies etc are good ideas, I think one could start even simpler - walk the dog at the same time every day. Or drive to get a coffee, hang out there for 30 mins, etc. I find a change of scenery helps me too, as well as a routine, to lift the spirits, and those chance encounters will repeat.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#94

Post by andai »

>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.

Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#95

Post by Smaug123 »

Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And you guarantee getting every airborne infection. I got two serious colds and the bona-fide flu this winter; still worth it.)

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#96

Post by SoftTalker »

Herring wrote: post #78

You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity. Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate. The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by y…

Agree, and you will meet people at the gym. Learn to lift barbells, not machines. Powerlifters can seem intimidating from a distance but they are the same mix of people as everyone else: nerds, extroverts, introverts, men, women, gay, straight... and in my experience they are very open and friendly to those who are getting started.

If you want a guide to get started, Starting Strength is a good one. It's aimed at novices.

Also if you're in the same apartment/house and city where you were living with your partner, consider moving if you can. Get away from all the reminders of your old life that just amplify the alone feeling. Depression can be related to your situation. At least if you're in a new place, being alone can feel more normal and might act as a reset.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#97

Post by criddell »

apothegm wrote: post #73
nephihaha wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ironically I find cities more isolating than the countryside. At least in the countryside you have the beauty of nature. In many modern cities, there is less and less social connection and community. Sometimes I suppose it is finding the right groups... And sometimes you have to take the initiative and create in person groups.

The suburbs, though, are the worst of both worlds. Cities at least are full of a huge variety of people looking to make connections.

Depends on the suburb and HOA. Mine has groups for books, card games, mahjongg, cycling, ladies lunch, men's lunch, happy hours, pickle ball, etc... Some are in our community center, some are hosted in people's homes. There are also occasional block parties, although they tend to revolve around kids.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#98

Post by bitwize »

I started going to tech meetups in the nearest large city. The tech scene is utter crap there compared to SF or Boston but I get to interact with a few smart, like-minded people almost each week. My wife says it's been good for me.

Marrying the right person helped. I'm quite in the opposite situation from you: I married for the first time in my mid-40s. I know what it's like to be alone, and to an extent I grew comfortable with it. Now that there's someone in my life, I'm all in disarray. That's not a bad thing, as I've been forced to grow to become worthy of this: two humans, six nonhuman animals, love filling the house.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#99

Post by smokeydoe »

I went through a similar experience with a high school sweetheart. I am in my thirties. I focus heavily on being a father now (maybe too much), and it’s extremely rewarding. I picked up guitar and took lessons, was introduced to a beginner cover band, and met friends through that. The gym is another big one. For me, exercise makes me feel better mentally in a noticeable lasting way. My advice is to pick up a hard hobby you really enjoy and finding places where people doing that thing would be.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#100

Post by SoftTalker »

nephihaha wrote: post #20
ieie3366 wrote: post #11

Hit the gym a lot to find your inner peace. Both weightlifting and lots of zone2

Have to be careful with gyms. I injured my shoulder doing weights over twenty years ago and still have trouble with it.

Warm up for every workout. Allow 72 hours recovery between lifts. I.e. if you bench press on Monday, don't do it again until Thursday. Do legs instead. I do squats on Monday, bench on Wednesday, deadlift on Friday.

Progressive overload is important but don't add more than 5lbs when you're moving up. Don't ego lift, there's always someone who can lift more than you; you should only be competing with yourself.

Always have a spotter or at least safety pins if you're anywhere close to your max weight or reps.

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