Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

Absolutely. That's why it was the "basic answer." The longer answer, of course, is that it's for both of us.

I don't do it in every 1:1, but probably every 3rd or 4th 1:1, I ask for feedback about my own performance and about how they feel about other parts of the organization. I've found it incredibly valuable.

But the primary agenda is your agenda, not mine. Mine is often supplemental and periodic, but the more important and more immediately relevant agenda is yours.

If I need to talk to you about something else, it would be in something other than a regularly-scheduled 1:1, typically.

I think that's a totally fair take! (Mostly. I don't think 1:1s are necessarily about performance evaluations -- if you think they are, I hope you can learn to think of them differently, but I understand the perspective, I really do. I'll leave that alone for now and talk to your other points.)

I have one or two reports that fit pretty well into a group like you, who talk about "all of those things" outside of 1:1s. Totally a valid position! We still do a 1:1, but those turn into sort of work-tangential conversations, things like new tech that we're experimenting with on the side, or ideas for features that might be fun, or ways that we can incorporate the things they want to do into future roadmaps. Maybe it's not the most productive thing, but it can be fun, and sometimes you can be surprised by what comes out of a really good 1:1.

As sort of an example, I had a guy on my team that was super smart, highly productive, and he didn't need much hand-holding. We'd schedule 1:1s, and they would go well, but we'd also talk almost every day about the kinds of things that would normally come up in 1:1s. Just like you're describing.

We shared direct feedback regularly (he got distracted easily), we talked about the way he interacted with team members (which wasn't always great), the projects that he worked on (which were not necessarily the ones he wanted to work on). It was, on the surface, a good relationship, but obviously not a great one.

Then one day he mentioned off-hand something about his immigration status. My ears perked up, and I said "Tell me more." So in our 1:1, for probably 2-3 sessions, we talked about nothing but immigration and how it works, what his concerns were, and how much energy he spent thinking about his immigration status. Then he taught me about how the H1-B priority levels worked, and in the midst of that conversation, something clicked.

The reason this guy was easily distracted and the reason he was unhappy with the projects that he was working on wasn't because he had ADHD or thought the work sucked. The reason was because the projects he was working on were not things he could show to Immigration and say "See, I deserve a higher priority."

Once I had that realization, I was able to zoom out a bit and find projects that would give him a leg up on the prioritization scheduling. I was able to find time to let him work on white papers and formal, published research. He was able to patent something that we worked on. I helped him find conferences to give speeches at. All of these things he tackled with gusto and enthusiasm and, incidentally, fit into our company's roadmap.

Without that 1:1 that was seemingly unnecessary, I never would've made this connection, and he would still be miserable. Now he has his green card, just 18 months after that conversation, in part because he was able to demonstrate that he met certain criteria to the immigration authorities.

I understand the perspective of "I checked all the boxes outside of the meeting, why do I need this meeting?" but I encourage you to consider some of the softer values of the meeting. Even things as simple as getting to know your manager and finding out you have things in common will help.

It kind of sucks, but the more people can view you as a PERSON and not as a RESOURCE, the happier you both will be. And part of that involves spending lots of time with someone offline.

When my manager asks me to present what I did over the weekend to the team, that's a demand from my boss. He may or may not think it is, but there's a power dynamic involved here that can't be ignored, which is why I think it's an awful practice.

I answer "not much" and immediately pivot to giving a work status report before any followup question can happen, and my manager lets me get away with that. That's a little better, but it still starts every week off on the wrong foot.

Did you try to discuss it on 1:1? There may be some power dynamics involved, but this is a good opportunity to practice your pushback skill. Managers should hear “No” more often, otherwise they won’t know that this is not ok for you.

TL;DR I compile a document between each 121 containing:

- current goals (including 5 year goals, 1 year goals, short term goals) - significant actions since last 121 - skills matrix score increases and justification for him/her to approve - projects I'm doing/ideas - tasks that me and him/her need to do between now and the next 121 - questions and concerns

Documents have ranged from 14 pages down to 4 - Typically when I have a bad manager the documents tend to be longer.

This came about because in my previous role I found I would go into 121's saying "yes, I think I have earned a better score in EntraID" and he would say "I need evidence". There were also allot of very inconsistent bits of information regarding progression passed. It became very clear I needed to keep track of all of this and essentially game the system, and twist my managers arm. This became so effective three of my co-workers have also began doing this, and to my understanding copies of my 121 prep documents are passed around upper management as a way of saying "yea, this is what happens when you don't address issues".

From doing this I have somewhat taken control of my 121's and typically lead them rather than let them happen to me. If I am honest it is an incredibly effective measure for self advocation and rapid career progression. I have been considering for some time putting a template onto my GitHub for others to use.