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Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

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Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#91

Post by silverquiet »

Towaway69 wrote: post #81
tedivm wrote: post #42

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site. Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to…

Well written, totally agree. I did the „have children and all will be well“ thing and the guilt I have towards those children is great. In my defence, I myself was a „child will save our relationship“-child - needless to say it didn’t work and left me with a giant question mark: why am I here? Hence I am a biased observer, each to their own & your mileage will vary.

> left me with a giant question mark: why am I here?

I was quite obviously a wanted child, and I still feel this way; we are thrown into the world with no regard for our own preference (obviously it can be no other way). Clearly most people take to it with little problem, but I've never really felt like I belong. I've mostly made peace with that, but would not wish it on a child.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#92

Post by meowtastic »

I'm stuck in a similar rut. And yes, I know there are people out there way worse off than me.

It's okay to be like that. Just take a small step towards something you'd like to achieve. It's okay if it doesn't work out, be proud that you've taken that small step. That's how many success stories actually started, from small steps combined with a huge amount of luck - but few will admit. And you might not succeed no matter how many times you do it - you should still be proud that you tried.

And remember - you only hear of success stories in social media.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#94

Post by bachmeier »

With the disclaimer that free advice is worth what you pay for it...

Your current career path is not fulfilling to you. We know that because you wrote "I get scared when I realize that this is my life for the next 30-40 years." Nothing wrong with that. The one strategy that won't work is to keep doing what you're doing.

You can change careers, possibly after going back to college to train for something completely different, or you can change your life, so that it doesn't revolve around your career so much. The latter could be getting married, it could be satisfying an unmet need such as religion or helping poor people get dental care, it could be flipping houses, or a ton of other things that don't require a change to your career.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#95

Post by Teknomancer »

I read three pages down in the comments and not a single person has suggested that you see a therapist.

What the hell is HN going on about with all of this; Have a family BS. It sounds like you're suffering some burnout, and it might be time to seek some help from a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Change up your training routine. Spend more time outdoors. Quit the dead-end tech job. Downsize and travel more.

Good luck!!

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#96

Post by rlue »

recursivedoubts wrote: post #47
pavel_lishin wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Get married and have children. This is terrible advice to someone you know virtually nothing about, other than the three paragraphs they chose to type out about themselves. The first part, fine, it only affects a consenting adult. But I always hesitate to cheerfully tell someone to go ahead and sign up for a minimum of 18 years of responsibility for a human being, a human being that you'll be responsible for moldin…

Nope. No one is telling them this because everyone is either scared to do so or is trapped in a hedonistic self-oriented conception of happiness. This is my advice, I am sincere in it and I feel that, given their presentation of the facts of their life, it is likely to be the most effective way to grow as a human. Note that I do mention that it will give them purpose and suffering, not happiness as they current conce…

“Everyone who disagrees with me is wrong. But if you take this irreversible life choice that lots of people actually regret, I sincerely feel that you are likely to see the light.”

People shouldn’t have kids to soothe their existential malaise; they should have kids because they actually want to devote their lives to nurturing another living thing. They are not a prop for your personal growth. This is really, really harmful advice.

FWIW given the rigidity of your thinking, I would really hate to be your kid by the time I started having opinions of my own.

P.S. You being out here responding to every single comment without hesitation and not reconsidering your position in the slightest is a sign of bad thinking.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#97

Post by miketery »

silverquiet wrote: post #17
recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

What if women aren't interested in you?

At a simplest level become the kind of person women are interested in.

Take care of you health (sleep, exercise, and eat well), dress in a put together fashion, take care of hygiene, have interests that excite you and you can share with others, and finally socialize more.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#98

Post by throwaway_32u10 »

OP Here.

This blew up fast. I'll provide more context in this comment rather than commenting individually for the sake of not repeating myself.

First of all, children and family. I am considering this, but I doubt this is the solution to all problems. I agree with people who say it can provide a sense of purpose, but I also agree with people who think it's a bit irresponsible to recommend children to a stranger who shared something like I did.

Next, ADHD and depression. Never did ADHD test, I suspect I might have slight form of it. Depression I refuse to believe it exists in the form society labels it. For me, depression is a chemical imbalance, rather than a state of laziness/sadness/lost in life. Even if I have something like this, I won't take medication. Just a personal view on modern medical system, based on my experience with multiple psychologist and psychiatrists who did more harm that good (in my opinion).

Therapy. As mentioned above, therapy did more harm than good to me. Sure it might work for some people, but my experience with over 4 therapists ended up with either "nothing is wrong with you, don't visit me any more" or attempts to put me in a one of the boxes that the therapist learned about in school, while I clearly try to avoid any boxes.

God, hobbies, etc. I'm not 16 years old. I have grown up responsibilities, and I can't indulge myself in new hobbies every day. I'm focused (as much as I can) on building a business in order to escape the soul crashing tech industry and live on my terms (as much as possible, ultimate freedom is somewhat a lie). Together with this I try to work on my health, and maintain relationship(s). These are my 3 priorities in life, in no particular order. I don't have the time or desire to explore woodworking, or cave diving.

Thanks for everyone who commented, I appreciate every one of you <3

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#99

Post by beej71 »

I got burnt out on a job and then spent a year riding my mountain bike. Got into some photography, which I've since dropped. Got into some GIS and map making. After a year, I was ready for coding again. I did some contract work that I didn't really care about, but the contracts were short-term and they paid well, and I could take time off between them.

Eventually a buddy of mine wanted to start a company, so we did. And it eventually grew big enough to support us, but even though the work was interesting to start, it got dull. And finally I just couldn't do it anymore.

So I quit, and then floated around working on whatever I wanted to work on for a year. I took a few odd jobs. I think I was on track to earn something like $25k that year.

But then, due to some programming guides I'd written, a teaching job opportunity fell into my lap. And I always knew that teaching was what I wanted to do. It was a pay cut, but at this point I was more than willing to trade the money.

I've since moved on to a State University for even more of a pay cut, and I work about 8 months a year (3 months unpaid), and this is my idea of the perfect semi-retirement for the duration. Not too shabby.

Sometimes people still approach me for programming gigs, but so far every single one of them has not engaged my enthusiasm. And even the promise of possible, improbable eight-figure payouts isn't enough.

But I always knew what it was I wanted to do. The question is, what would you do if you had a million dollars and didn't have to work?

I do recommend doing exactly what you're doing, and getting on figuring it out now. Because when you hit your 50s, time really starts ripping by. And it might take some time for you to figure out.

"You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and--"

"Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you--'PC Load Letter'? What the fuck does that mean?!"

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#100

Post by marcusverus »

silverquiet wrote: post #17
recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

What if women aren't interested in you?

Finding a woman is like finding a job--it's a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find someone who's a good fit for you. Life is not a movie. You are not going to bump into your soulmate in the dry goods section at Whole Foods. So get on all the apps. Do speed dating. Put yourself out there. Accept the constant, crushing pain of rejection as the cost of doing business. Just like in a job hunt, you've got to desensitize yourself to rejection, secure in the knowledge that every 'no' gets you closer to the inevitable 'yes'.

You've also got to be be brutally honest with yourself about your prospects.

Pretend for a moment that mate desirability is objective and quantifiable, and that we've got every available woman in your area charted on a bell curve of desirability. The top 0.01% will say NO to you every time, because they're looking for a male in the top 0.01% of desirability (i.e. Gavin Newsome lookin' motherfuckers with Marth's Vineyard money). Meanwhile, the bottom 0.01% will say YES every time, because you're a HUGE catch from their perspective. Somewhere in the middle are many, many women who would be interested in you.

If you're struggling to find women who are interested in you, the cause is likely either A) not searching in earnest, or B) you're over-estimating your own desirability, and thus fishing in unproductive waters.

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