For the past 20 years, I’ve worked in health information technology at two companies, although the first (a horrifically dysfunctional startup) was acquired by the second. Likewise, all the damage from the first just rolled over into the second, and all my issues (college drop out with poor self esteem and terrible imposter syndrome) just festered and grew. While there were a couple of good years post-acquisition, it too became a comically dysfunctional shitshow that was destroying me physically, mentally, and emotionally. However, I just kept making excuses. I made a good living, I had insane seniority which came with 7 weeks of PTO (although I essentially could never use it), and who’s gonna hire a college dropout with two shitty, nobody companies dominating their CV? I was constantly rationalizing that next year might be better if I just grind out today’s soul crushing bullshit, and anyway this was as good as I deserved.
There was a high profile breach resulting in legal actions. In December they laid off all but a handful of devs and planned to nearshore everything. Many close coworkers, including a good friend I’ve worked with for 17 years who was probably half the reason I stayed, all unceremoniously dumped. All projects cancelled except what was necessary to shore up a few things, clearly we’re headed to the boneyard. The company is sinking and on fire, and has been for some time. My job was going to get worse and there was a very real danger that this job would kill me one way or another if I stayed. The heavens gave me hundreds of signs to move on over the years and I ignored them. This was one last chance.
Five months ago, a former coworker offered me a way out. He couldn’t meet me at my current salary so I lost a pretty painful 12%, the total benefits aren’t as great, but the total opportunity is better, there is almost no stress, and I love the team and their vision and focus. I’m thankful to him and the company for making a spot for me. The worst that could happen, being out of a job, is a wash. The most alarming thing is coming to terms with how bad off I really was, and how much it was bringing down my partner, family, and friends. It’s going to take me some time to get myself sorted and be back to a whole person again, but for the first time in a while I have a bit of hope and when I think about what tomorrow looks like I don’t see blackness. So far, the only regret is I didn’t do it sooner. That was worth the 12%.