Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

91–100 of 101 posts

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#91

Post by vineyardlabs »

twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to whether I thought it was worth doing, but I found the time to get it done after my wife and child were asleep or before they were awake. I think it gets a little easier to carve out free time after the first year.

I have my second on the way so we'll see if I'm still singing this tune in the fall.

Definitely agree with the remote thing though. I'm in a fully in-office role now and believe my life would be vastly improved if I found a remote role. I'm committed where I'm at for another 18 months and then plan to try my hardest to get into something remote.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#92

Post by andher »

vineyardlabs wrote: post #91
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to wheth…

Were you doing your masters along side your work?

In any case, this is heartening to see. The majority consensus seems to be you can either be a good dad, or pursue lofty goals, but not both because of the time commitment required for each.

TBH I'm looking for successful examples of parent founders (founding when they had a kid, and not when the kids were grown), particularly in the realm of vc backed ventures (even indie would make good examples, but there's a slightly different dynamic). I haven't found any good examples yet, and I don't know if that's because people don't talk about being a parent while pursuing other goals, or its something people don't do,

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#93

Post by haq2049 »

You have to remember that this is temporary.

Healthy children get easier and easier to manage and your time will open up. Do not jump to assume your life is over and that you can no longer be ambitious. Give it time, and use this time as a father to shape yourself for the future. Being a father is an extremely unique experience and grants men unique abilities and willpower that no one has until they become one themselves.

For now, just focus on sleep. This is, by far, the most difficult issue to deal with for parents. It's not only the most difficult, but it can be dangerous. It can break relationships and even hurt others around you, including yourself. My personal suggestion is to ignore whatever your pediatrician or anyone says about "infants can't be put on a schedule" — they're wrong. Get them on a schedule. Even if the newborn isn't following it, you are actually setting them up to follow it as they grow a little. We got our first on a schedule within 2 months and sleeping predictably and through the entire night. Do your best to set baby down at the same times and be consistent, and watch everyone else get salty.

I was back to being productive in 3 months.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#94

Post by twojobsoneboss »

vineyardlabs wrote: post #91
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to wheth…

That’s awesome but also a masters is a very different beast than starting a business IMO. It’s pretty defined (even with a thesis, in comparison) whereas trying to start a successful business is constant double guessing, pivoting, hustling when opportunities come by, needing to drop other things when opportunities come by, constantly strategizing/worrying when doing other things, etc

Still, that’s an achievement and kudos

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#95

Post by twojobsoneboss »

andher wrote: post #92
vineyardlabs wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to wheth…

Were you doing your masters along side your work? In any case, this is heartening to see. The majority consensus seems to be you can either be a good dad, or pursue lofty goals, but not both because of the time commitment required for each. TBH I'm looking for successful examples of parent founders (founding when they had a kid, and not when the kids were grown), particularly in the realm of vc backed ventures (even…

Tbf if you’re going to be quitting your 9-5 I don’t think it’s an issue. But no, I have not seen any _American_ examples of being a good dad + 9-5 + being a successful founder

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#96

Post by ndjshe3838 »

vineyardlabs wrote: post #91
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to wheth…

Some people do have to give up their goals/dreams

Yours just happened to be still doable

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#97

Post by andher »

twojobsoneboss wrote: post #95
andher wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Were you doing your masters along side your work? In any case, this is heartening to see. The majority consensus seems to be you can either be a good dad, or pursue lofty goals, but not both because of the time commitment required for each. TBH I'm looking for successful examples of parent founders (founding when they had a kid, and not when the kids were grown), particularly in the realm of vc backed ventures (even…

Tbf if you’re going to be quitting your 9-5 I don’t think it’s an issue. But no, I have not seen any _American_ examples of being a good dad + 9-5 + being a successful founder

That makes more sense. I do think if you add a 9-5 to it its nearing impossible.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#98

Post by ensocode »

What helped for me: accept it for a while, really accept it, try to enjoy it, even if it is painful - the little things. Stay strong. Solutions will pop up. Just keep your own todos in your mind and start them when you see some gaps in your schedule. I think it is a good thing to be forced to get to know yourself in this new circumstances - it is a parents-only experience

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#99

Post by twojobsoneboss »

andher wrote: post #84
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Interesting. So from what I'm understanding, in your experience it is impossible to pursue goals for starting a startup or escaping the 9-5 once you have a child (or at least in the first several years of having a child?), and the 'correct' course of action is to accept that your goal is to provide and raise a family as your priority?

Adding more details:

YES, it is all-consuming. It was for me and probably for most. Obviously there are factors like grandparents help available etc, but unless you have a full time live-in maid like they have in Asia (au pairs don’t count cause they’re still 45hrs/week), there’s so many chores to do, on top of watching and entertaining the baby.

At first I tried to still do everything, but after some fights I realized I wasn’t being a good husband/father and progress was so slow on the business that it was probably not gonna make it anyway.

My current advice: If you have such unmet goals, assume that there’s a 90% chance you’ll have to give them up. Then make your decisions based on that. Which are you more willing to give up on? It could lead to very tough decisions eg splitting with your spouse, if it’s something you truly can’t see eye to eye on. Mostly if you wanna do both and still have a few childbearing years left get off your ass NOW and go for it, quit your job, whatever, it might be your last shot.

One other tidbit: with kids there’s no time to do things but there’s LOTS of time to THINK about things eg when watching them, doing dishes, etc. I would have 100x more time to think about what I could do with the business than I actually had to be on my laptop to do them. It was absolutely maddening.

EDIT to add: I do believe having kids is one of the most beautiful, fulfilling and noble acts most of us can do, and in fact for most people (who spend most of their free time on entertainment) it’s the right thing… but the sacrifice is far greater for some than others.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#100

Post by laylower »

twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Different parents, people really, have different needs for alone - deep thinking or wind-down time. I need a lot. Others don't need any. I think it's important to understand how much you can limit this time before you have children.
Post reply on HN