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Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#91

Post by mjfisher »

torstenvl wrote: post #77
Double_a_92 wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Usually review feedback is not that harsh though. It's not like "This is complete shit, please start over!" It's usally things like "If you used this pattern in this area, it would become easier to read" or even more trivial "This variable has a generic name, please make it more expressive" or whatever...

I think I'm in the extreme minority on this, but in my view those responses go from least harsh to harshest. This is complete shit, start over. Even though there's vulgarity, it's explicitly directed at "this" and not "you." If the vulgarity is indicative of any frustration, then it means my work was below their expectations - which necessarily implies that they have come to expect more from my work. This is confirme…

That reaction is really extreme; to the point I'm not quite sure if it's satire?

If it's genuine, why not respond with "good call, will update" or "I couldn't think of anything better for this situation - do you have any suggestions?"

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#92

Post by upstream »

It’s understandable to feel personal attachment to one’s work, but it’s important to remember that criticism is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Instead of taking it personally, try to view it as an opportunity for growth and improvement. It may be helpful to seek feedback from multiple sources and identify patterns in the critiques so that you can address specific areas for improvement. Additionally, practicing self-care and maintaining a positive attitude can help you stay grounded and resilient in the face of criticism.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#93

Post by ctack »

latexr wrote: post #5

Kudos on the realisation and desire to improve. There are a couple of tricks you can use, especially when it’s asynchronous textual communication: Assume positive intentions from the other person. Imagine them as having written with a genuine smile on their faces. Don’t think of it as them versus you, but you and them together against the problem. That defaults ambiguity to the more pleasant side and allows you to re…

Wise and well worded response here.

Only addition that I might make is that if the reviewer has taken the time to deeply understand your problem space and reply, they have given their time and energy and in a very real sense that is a gift. (Depending on their motivation of course - maybe they do it to lord it over others... but that is not your problem - it's their problem), I try to be thankful and this for me also contributes to the sense of togetherness in a 'us vs the problem' sense.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#94

Post by jiggawatts »

Conversely, if you're receiving comments that have clearly been phrased as diplomatically as possible, take a pause and note that the other person is trying their best to not be personal about the feedback.

As a random example, sometimes I respond to emails on a one-on-one basis, removing the dozens of people CC-d on the original so the sole recipient can quietly correct a mistake and save face.

Something like 50% of the time they'll angrily reply and add back in the original cast of thousands, ensuring that everyone is now painfully aware of their mistake.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#95

Post by dusted »

At some point, I realized that there's a disconnect between "me" and "my work".

My work is a result of circumstance, like, what my mood was when I did it, how well I know the particular domain, if I've seen solutions to similar problems before, what tools were available and understandable to me at the time.

In other words, the quality of my work depends much more on what the particular task was, than on some inherent quality within myself.

So, try not to let it influence me either way, to not feel some unjustified pride that I made something "difficult", or shame that I couldn't manage to do something "easy".

One liberating tactic I employ, is that I clearly announce when I've messed up, and I'll be the first to do it, and usually with a joke.. "Yeah, so that amazing queue we got up and running last week, I took the liberty to totally mess that up, I learned a lot about how not to do it, I'll eventually learn how to do it right, no worries, I'm working on it." This takes the pressure off, people know it's broken, who broke it, and who's fixing it, and they expect that I come for help if I need it. One thing I don't do, is say sorry, I'm not sorry, this is my job, we do software development, we break stuff, we make errors, and I'm not sorry about it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#96

Post by torstenvl »

mjfisher wrote: post #91
torstenvl wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think I'm in the extreme minority on this, but in my view those responses go from least harsh to harshest. This is complete shit, start over. Even though there's vulgarity, it's explicitly directed at "this" and not "you." If the vulgarity is indicative of any frustration, then it means my work was below their expectations - which necessarily implies that they have come to expect more from my work. This is confirme…

That reaction is really extreme; to the point I'm not quite sure if it's satire? If it's genuine, why not respond with "good call, will update" or "I couldn't think of anything better for this situation - do you have any suggestions?"

You appear to have replied to the wrong post

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#97

Post by spyke112 »

dusted wrote: post #95

At some point, I realized that there's a disconnect between "me" and "my work". My work is a result of circumstance, like, what my mood was when I did it, how well I know the particular domain, if I've seen solutions to similar problems before, what tools were available and understandable to me at the time. In other words, the quality of my work depends much more on what the particular task was, than on some inherent…

I the same, and it seems to be a realization that comes from past experience. I’m the most senior developer on the project I’m currently working, and I make just as many mistakes as new hires and juniors, the difference is that I probably am able to turn around and fix it a lot faster.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#98

Post by martinwheeler »

To speak to the point about the PR comments, it's quite tricky to get a sense of the intention behind them. In the last few years I have adopted the approach of conventional comments, which has helped a lot with conveying that intention.

I.e. if I want clarity around a code choice it's clear to the developer that I need more context, or if I have a nitpick to point out it's clear that that's why I am pointing it out. I think everyone should comment in this style as it helps to shed light on what you're trying to express, even if the comment is short or unintentionally snarky.

https://conventionalcomments.org/

Of course this doesn't address all the forms of text communication but PRs are generally a pain point when it comes to interpreting meaning.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#99

Post by zorrolovsky »

I adopted a philosophy in life that helped me a lot in this regard. I started to see life as a series of 'games' played by 'roles'. My mission in life is to play my 'games' in the best way possible for my 'roles'. A game can be anything from being a good student, to being a father, to making sound financial decisions, to leading a project, to supporting a project as individual contributor, to making a house renovation, etc.

Once I started to see my work as a 'game' played by a 'role', a lot of stress was taken off of my back. I started to see situations in a neutral light regardless of who were the actors (including myself).

It doesn't matter if it's me receiving or giving constructive feedback, having a difficult conversation or managing a stressful situation. Through this perspective I'm able to abstract from people, power dynamics, etc. and see what's helpful, that's the best way forward, etc.

At first this approach only existed in my mind. I didn't dare to externalize it because I was wary people might see it as odd or disrespectful. As I fully implemented this philosophy in life and at work, I dared to socialize it with good results.

For example, instead of saying "John's performance was poor" I would say "this role's mission is to add value to XYZ, I think we can do better in that area. What support do we need to achieve better results?". And people react really well to that way of framing things. This language adaptation can work well in OP's case. Maybe the manager said "you sucked when doing XYZ because you missed an important thing". You can translate that as... "I don't suck at anything and that's a bad way of framing things. But in the future when my role is in a similar situation, I should do XYZ to have the right insight to do my job". Another tool to manage feedback is to imagine it's not about you but about someone else. Imagine is a friend telling another friend about a situation at work. Would you still think "there's no way person X could have known about that"? If so, a good answer in a PR is... 'if the same situation happened tomorrow, how could I get better insight, or know who to talk to, to achieve better results'?

Something to highlight here is that there's always two sides of a coin: it's great that you want to learn to take constructive feedback as a growth opportunity and not as a personal attack. But maybe if your gut feel gets constantly irritated is because you have found a genuine case of toxic work environment. "Snarky comments in a PR" raises a red flag to me. To be professional means to treat others with dignity. If that's not happening is time to consider jumping ships.

So, OP: well done in keeping yourself in check. It's hard to take constructive feedback well, but it can be done with tools like the above and others. While doing so, make sure you're not surrounded by toxic colleagues and leaders and when that's the case, run fast and far and don't look back.

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