Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

My mom was given 1-3 months to live. Now after one year, she is currently the healthiest woman in hospice care. Hang in there, anything can happen.

Read about senescent cells & chemo. Also, some research shows chemo actually boosts metastasis. Anything targeted beats chemo. Maybe even focused beam radiation (SBRT).

You didn't say which type of cancer.

There is a company called Arvinas that is creating a new class of drugs that tags receptors for destruction by autophagy. Interesting and seemingly more effective than standard of care therapies. However, their targeting seems to be specific to certain mutations on these receptors. Have a look at the investor notes and presentations on their website for more details.

I'm sure everybody has a different takeaway, but here's mine: make sure hospice is on the table, and read between the lines about what the different doctors are telling you. Do extensive research and advocate on your mother's behalf. There are doctors who specialize in hospice and you want to bring them to the table early even if the prognosis is currently good.

I'd go to meetings with my Mom's cancer team and hear totally different things than she and my dad did. They both viewed everything in the rosiest possible light. The oncologist even said at one point something along the lines of "a lot of doctors wouldn't consider treatment in this situation" (an acknowledgement of how unlikely success was) but they could only hear "there's a possibility it could add months or even over a year."

Cancer treatment can be absolutely brutal. Perform a real cost benefit analysis on whether the treatment adds any real value. Try to make family members understand that gaining a few months of a tormented existence may not be worth it. Make a list of important things for your mother and focus on seeing those through.

In the end, I was the only advocate for moving to hospice rather than treating. I did not advocate strongly enough. My mother was dead four months from diagnosis, after suffering all the symptoms of chemo in addition to the inevitable decline that comes with the disease. I think the worst thing about it is she kept so much hope up until the very end, focusing on clawing out every extra second of life at any cost rather than making her peace and coming to terms with reality. She ended up in hospice after all - but rather than starting there in a peaceful environment, she fought every painful step of the way in endless medical corridors and care facilities, until she had a stroke that took away her mental faculties to the point that she couldn't even appreciate what was happening. My family all lives with regret on this point.

Don't let that happen to your family.

I have gone through this situation. In 2002 my mother passed away from cancer.

It was by far the hardest and lowest point in my life.

I won't go on about all the difficulties because they're too painful and personal to me, and your mother may not be terminal, but mine was so I'll speak from that experience. Here's what I wish I would have done more of:

1. Spend as much time as possible. Lay by her, watch TV, eat together. Just being in the same room is important. I'd give anything to go back and spend more time.

2. Try not to argue, even if she's taking our her fear, anger, etc on you. Her emotions might be all over the place. Resist the urge to need her and let her depend on you for emotional support. Hug her instead of fight with her.

3. Lots of back and head rubs, foot massages.

4. Pick up the slack as much as possible. It can get bad--you might need to change diapers, clean bedpans, and clean vomit. Those are powerful acts of love from a child to a mother.

5. Tell her as often as possible how lucky you were to have her as your mother.

Me too, a few years back.

1. Tell your work! You may be surprised how compassionate and accommodating they'll be. I saw another side of my boss. He made anything I needed possible.

2. See her every day. If you have to move closer, do it. I moved a thousand miles and went remote for years just to be with her. Best decision of my life.

3. If she needs more resources than she's getting, get them. Don't try to do everything yourself.

4. Find a caregiver for yourself. You'll need one. If you don't manage that, then auto-care-give. This is a must. You can't help her until AFTER you help yourself.

5. Hold her hand, eat with her, watch TV, hang out, whatever. It doesn't matter what. It all makes a difference.

6. When things get tough (and they occasionally will), remember, this is actually the normal course of things. It would be worse for her if your roles were reversed.

Respect and love. You must have a wonderful mother to raise such a good child (proof: your post).