Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

Being a bit socially outcast at 23 is emotionally hard, and I know it sux, but it's not as bad as it might seem. You still are young, and if that's not what you want from life, there is hope for things to change.

You have spent the last decade on solo interests, so you haven't learned some of your peers' social skills. That's okay, you can learn them.

The problem is that most of the people around you will be interacting in a way that you don't understand. Some people you might think are a bit lower IQ will be performing on a social level that you might not understand yet.

The way to get there is much like the way you got there with math and programming. You had an interest, and you practiced. You probably started very frustratedly, but you kept going because it was fun. You have to try this with people. It is fun to meet new people and talk with them. One problem is there are all these social rules and conventions that you are going to get wrong. The problem with getting things wrong in a social setting is that we feel rejected when it happens. Learning to recover from that is the key. It's not going to be easy when you are feeling depressed. Talking to a therapist would help if you can afford it. Develop some strategies to deal with this, and you will thrive. Most people don't care if you are awkward. They want friends just as much as you do.

I'd advise that you don't try to start with romantic relationships right away. Starting with something a little more shallow might help. Just hanging out with people will help, and there is less emotional risk.

I'd try to find something that forces you to interact with people. Find a group or club to join—something that you feel bad about not attending. Also, feel free to switch groups if you don't like it. After a year or so, you are going to feel much better dealing with people.

Also, don't feel bad about Tinder. It's not a good option. You are far better off meeting people through shared interests. You are also going to be in a great place in a few years. You will earn more than most and have less baggage from past relationships; you'll be a catch.

You can do this, it can get better, and you have a bright future ahead.

Here's what will happen:

- You will meet many new interesting people.

- You will make new friends, raising your chances of meeting your romantic partner.

- You will feel very satisfied seeing your work directly benefit someone in a much more precarious situation than yours.

- You will get physically active and take more sun, improving your cerebral chemistry which in turn will make you feel happier and more fulfilled.

- You will get a new outlook on life, reframing your current problems and coming up with new ways to deal with issues.

Beats being dead, don't you think?

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I agree with most of the advice in this thread, but I'll also say if you're feeling like you have the urge to take your life, please wait that feeling out. I'm writing this home alone on a Friday night, so trust me when I say I've been there and I feel a similar type of loneliness in my life.

One thing I've been focusing on is trying to adopt one healthy habit a month. Just one. Many of the replies are giving good suggestions as to which habits to form (going outside, volunteering, working out, etc) but if you are feeling overwhelmed by this response, just pick one and do that for a month. Then add another. Your first few months are just about not feeling like shit. Once that stops, you can direct your life better because you will be more in touch with yourself.

Re: suicide, the best thing you can do when you feel this way is wait it out. Almost everyone who waits out this urge (and even depression) feels it pass. If you have someone in your life like this, it helps to just be with someone. You don't have to talk or do anything with them. You can consciously sit and do nothing, but do it in the presence of someone who cares for you. That's helped me.

This is most just from my experiences with depression and listlessness, so if something doesn't work, just ignore it. Again, I'm sorry you feel this way, but wait it out and build good habits slowly and hopefully things will start feeling better for you.

Godspeed my friend

First, I want you to know these feelings are reasonable and you’re not alone in feeling that way.

Second, while it may seem hopeless or insurmountable, you can make changes.

You have an opportunity now in front of you. You have identified an area in life where you feel inadequate. But you don’t have to feel that way permanently. You can make changes to build up your experience in that area. And I totally understand that it feels hard to know where to start, how to make progress, or whether it’s possible. It can feel demoralizing. But if you’re up for the challenge, you can grow.

I have often felt this way and I’ve slowly improved over time — now I’m 28 and have done a number of things I saw everyone else doing when I was 22 feeling like I had already thrown away my life.

If you’re open to chatting about it and think it would be helpful, shoot me an email: skylar.b.payne (at) gmail.com.

Wishing you peace