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Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

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Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#81

Post by Towaway69 »

tedivm wrote: post #42

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site. Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to…

Well written, totally agree.

I did the „have children and all will be well“ thing and the guilt I have towards those children is great.

In my defence, I myself was a „child will save our relationship“-child - needless to say it didn’t work and left me with a giant question mark: why am I here?

Hence I am a biased observer, each to their own & your mileage will vary.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#82

Post by [deleted] »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #73
recursivedoubts wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

a teleological argument has nothing to do with selfishness and in fact i am recommending to OP immolation of the hedonistic pleasure-drive i don't know who you are arguing with but it isn't me

OP can immolate whichever parts of himself he wants, he's an adult, but it's irresponsible to suggest that he have a child simply for that one purpose.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#83

Post by silverquiet »

DagsEoress wrote: post #67

I don't know you, but I am also in my mid 30s, work a boring (but comfortable) tech 9-5 job, and have been trying to build something on the side for a while. I have a great girlfriend, earn a decent amount of money, own a house, am healthy and work out. So we do seem similar, but I did abuse alcohol and more. Tried to find pleasure in hedonistic ways. A few years ago I started asking myself: "Is this it? Is this all…

I was raised Catholic but lost the belief quite young. Not to be an edgy atheist, but it was basically lost along with Santa. I probably spent a decade trying to believe, but to no avail. I think having a chronic pain condition from a young age probably makes it difficult to believe in any sort of loving force in the world, and then a few observations about the way people who say they follow these religions actually behave will often further disabuse one of that notion.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#84

Post by pavel_lishin »

recursivedoubts wrote: post #77
pavel_lishin wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a child. I very specifically wanted to have a child with my spouse, and every day I'm glad I did it. I don't suggest doing it to people as a form of therapy. Your advice is bad.

who said anything about therapy? i offered only suffering and purpose.

Other people in the thread.

I don't think this conversation is useful past this point.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#85

Post by OutOfHere »

Obviously you need more energy. It begins by getting enough sleep, so try to go to bed earlier. Cover all vitamins and minerals, then try other things that can boost your energy safely. Ensure good ventilation, both at home and in the office. Avoid air pollution as it can drain energy quickly. Once you fix your energy, you can then work on finding purpose, but don't quit your day job too easily if you don't want to lose your relationship.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#86

Post by sfink »

At least for me, your messages reads "I am depressed...I am depressed...I am despressed...Oh, but I'm not depressed...I am depressed..." etc. What do you imagine depression to be? Everything you're describing is depression. I suspect when you say "I'm not depressed" you mean you aren't sad, or you experience happiness regularly, or something. Which basically means you only have 90% of the possible symptoms of moderate depression, not 100%. Given that hardly anyone has 100% of the symptoms (well, maybe unless they're severely depressed), that doesn't exactly make you special.

But depression is just a label, it's not like accepting that label means there is a single known fix for it. Accepting it might at least remove your current obstacle to exploring certain options.

Talk to a doctor. Talk to a therapist. You might be one of the many people for whom a chemical treatment will help, or you might be one of the many people for whom something like cognitive behavioral therapy will help. There is unlikely to be a magic bullet, but there are many things to try. If you're able to detect an incremental change, you can focus in on that path. Right now you may be dulled out enough that you don't have the energy to detect what's working or do anything with it, so you should start with some professional help to lift you up enough that you can start doing the work to make forward progress.

Yes, I have been in a similar situation. I can't say I've "escaped". I think that was my expectation for a long time, that either you're stuck in the mud or you come up with a way to escape, but it's one of those things where lowering my expectations was necessary to making progress, and in retrospect I've made more progress that I would have initially thought possible. But I don't feel like I've escaped. It's still there, and it still drags me down periodically, but it's been a while now since my last long period of really wallowing in it.

Family can help. Friends can help. Work can help. Entertainment can help. But all of them can be a crutch, too, and just be a means to extend the status quo. You'll need to put work into each and every one of them specifically to make sure they're actually taking you in the right direction. It's a constant vigilance sort of thing, which might sound awful but at some point you'll look back and see that it's more than worth it.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#87

Post by pavel_lishin »

sparrish wrote: post #80
tedivm wrote: post #42

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site. Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to…

I disagree. It's a great suggestion because it provides purpose, a reason to get out of bed each morning and a drive to provide and protect your children. The fact that he can't 'return them' makes the stakes high and only adds to the worthiness of the pursuit. He'll still have days of struggle, we all do, but he'll have a fulfilling reason to push through them.

Or his burnout will quintuple, and despite having a fulfilling reason to get out of bed, he'll still be struggling - except now, a child gets to suffer through having a father who was not ready for parenthood.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#88

Post by turtleonturtle »

It sounds like your material life is great! It doesn't sound like you are missing anything out here. But maybe things need to be rearranged in your heart? I agree with other commenters that it seems you are living a life according to a pattern (as you say, ticking the middle class boxes) but maybe with unclear purpose.

It is very normal to not like your job. Most people do not. They do it as a means to feed their families, build security for their future, or to buy amazing toys. Search yourself for the reasons you have your job. If you don't have any good ones, why do it? But if you are doing it for a reason, it is no prison, but a means to your desires. Once you find those reasons, stay connected to them. Journal them, meditate on them, remember them every day. Nietzsche wrote "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." This is how you build gratitude, and gratitude is how you sustain optimism.

I highly recommend therapy as a way to explore yourself and cultivate purpose. It has changed my life in similar circumstances. Other tools I have found very useful are exercise, meditation, good nutrition, and building relationships with others.

The feelings you are have are common and everyone feels this way sometimes. You are not lost, keep going.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#89

Post by pavel_lishin »

onemoresoop wrote: post #69
tedivm wrote: post #42

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site. Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to…

I don't think people are recommending having children as a solution to solve any problems. It is simply a big life decision that changes perspective a lot. It also makes dealing with boring drudgery a lot more tolerable. It brings meaning to people who lost it. Parenting is an important stage in life after all.

None of this is universal.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#90

Post by pavel_lishin »

codr7 wrote: post #41
uhtred wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't that kind of selfish though? What if you have a child just to make yourself feel better and that kid goes on to have a shitty unhappy life wishing they'd never been born?

Why would you feeling better increase the odds of a child having a shitty unhappy life? Sounds like a pretty shitty excuse in my ears, sorry.

It's not a guarantee that having a child will make OP feel better.
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