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Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

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Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#81

Post by iteria »

twojobsoneboss wrote: post #60
pavel_lishin wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a good point. Not everyone immediately bonds with a newborn, either father or mother. If you're not feeling something you think you're supposed to be feeling, that's not unusual. And they definitely get fun later on - but you'd be surprised at both how long it takes, and at the fun things you can find pretty early on.

Totally. I expected to feel this intense love that would help with the difficulty of it all, and it didn’t happen. I also didn’t get any kind of surge of extra energy driven by this great new responsibility- you’ll have to make do with what you have folks. I do love the baby a lot but I barely think about her when I’m not with her, unlike her mom which thinks about her all the time

Very late to this, but it will come. You will bond with your child and not even realize it. I would have said that I wasn't bonded with my child. In fact, she kind of annoyed me. Then I sent her away for a month to get a break. Suddenly everything fell apart for me emotionally. Turned out I could not think avout her when I was working etc because I was very comfortable with the people she was in the care of. Now that she was with people I really trusted, but several hours away withoit the ability to a check in on her whenever I wanted, it made me realize how very bonded I was to her.

I remember walking to her room out of habit and then laughing because of course she wouldn't be there. And then I'd do that 2 or 3 times a day every day. Other such absurdities.

I think that was a good experience for me because I still don't think about my kid very much when she's not around, but it doesn't mean I'm not attached to her.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#82

Post by neontomo »

p0d wrote: post #80

I have two flourishing adult children. Here are some things from experience not to do; * Do not accidentally drop them on their head * Do not accidentally dislocate their elbow. * Do not put their shoes on the wrong feet when taking them for a walk. * Do not put them on a snow sleigh on a steep hill with a river at the bottom. * Do not neglect them in a bookshop while reading computer books and then turn to watch the…

This is a very weird answer but I liked reading it.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#83

Post by p0d »

neontomo wrote: post #82
p0d wrote: post #80

I have two flourishing adult children. Here are some things from experience not to do; * Do not accidentally drop them on their head * Do not accidentally dislocate their elbow. * Do not put their shoes on the wrong feet when taking them for a walk. * Do not put them on a snow sleigh on a steep hill with a river at the bottom. * Do not neglect them in a bookshop while reading computer books and then turn to watch the…

This is a very weird answer but I liked reading it.

Thank you. I thought that among the cereberal answers I would try and communicate that new parents shouldn't worry too much. The fact the op is asking for input is already an indication of their care and concern.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#84

Post by andher »

twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Interesting. So from what I'm understanding, in your experience it is impossible to pursue goals for starting a startup or escaping the 9-5 once you have a child (or at least in the first several years of having a child?), and the 'correct' course of action is to accept that your goal is to provide and raise a family as your priority?

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#85

Post by gnicholas »

amluto wrote: post #20

As a tiny piece of advice: keep earmuffs or earplugs or noise-canceling earbuds around — sometimes babies are loud , and it’s easier to stay calm and far less unpleasant with appropriate PPE on hand.

Totally true. I have definitely popped in my AirPods before dealing with a screaming little one. You can still hear them loud and clear, they don't take offense, and it's easier to remain calm in the face of their screaming.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#86

Post by gnicholas »

jmpman wrote: post #23

There are no changing tables in the men’s room. Well, there are, but they’re rare, and the ones which are there are disgusting. You wouldn’t want to put your kid on that thing.

I have found them to be quite clean (though yes, rare). The cleanest place in the Stanford Shopping Center is the men's room at the American Girls store. Or rather, it was until the store closed last year. But that men's room was very rarely used, and the changing table was pristine.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#87

Post by znt »

Quite surprised no one mentioned this:

Take care of the mom. Make sure she is rested, comfortable.

She is the primary caretaker, she is the baby's whole world.

Happy mom - happy baby.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#88

Post by AnimalMuppet »

You're going to have losses. Lost free time, lost sleep, lost freedom. The losses are real. But don't spend so much time focused on the losses that you miss the gains. Be there for your child. Be there mentally, not off thinking about how much you'd like to have back the free time you used to have. Don't miss the joy of having this child because you're too busy looking at the losses.

Consider hiring a housekeeper. It's a great way to support your wife. Yeah, you need to up your game in terms of helping around the house, too, but if you can afford it, get mom some help, even if only for the first N months.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#89

Post by twojobsoneboss »

andher wrote: post #84
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Interesting. So from what I'm understanding, in your experience it is impossible to pursue goals for starting a startup or escaping the 9-5 once you have a child (or at least in the first several years of having a child?), and the 'correct' course of action is to accept that your goal is to provide and raise a family as your priority?

That’s correct. I’ll add more details soon

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#90

Post by amerkhalid »

andher wrote: post #84
twojobsoneboss wrote: post #28

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Interesting. So from what I'm understanding, in your experience it is impossible to pursue goals for starting a startup or escaping the 9-5 once you have a child (or at least in the first several years of having a child?), and the 'correct' course of action is to accept that your goal is to provide and raise a family as your priority?

I would agree with OP, especially if your goal is to be a good parent. If you want do just basics of parenting, then it is not hard to pursue other goals.

I got young kids who definitely need a lot of personal attention, got appointments, playdates, driving around, etc. I could cut out a lot of these activities but then they end up watching tons of TV. I keep thinking once they are older, then I will have more time for personal projects but my friends with older kids are just as busy. If their kid is in sports, then forget about any freetime. They are always driving them to trainings, games, etc. One friend wakes up 3 in the morning to drive their kid to swim practice. They sleep in the car for 2-3 hours, then take their kid to school.

If your kids are not in the sports, then it does not look as bad but it seems they are always doing driving for their kids.

But I also think part of being a great parent is to teach your kids to pursue their dreams. And the best way to teach that is by showing them how you pursue your own dreams. Now how to do it all without burning out, I am still trying to figure out. (Or maybe I need to accept that it is not possible to do so)

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