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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#81

Post by bowsamic »

kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

Unfortunately finding a therapist in Germany is near impossible even in a big city, I’ve been on the waiting list for almost a year now with no sign of end and I live in Hamburg which is one of the richest cities in Germany

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#82

Post by fsloth »

isthisthingon99 wrote: post #31
fsloth wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Masters in US implies the OP has a past history of completing non-trivial projects. Built career is just a narrative that HR and investors like. Humans can learn quite fast lots of useful things. This is not a statement "everyone can become world champion" but rather, you don't need to become world champion to find contentment and happiness in life. Growth mentality is the key.

OK but that was a decade ago, it means he could do it at one point.

This sounds like glass half-empty type of view. While pessimists never get disappointed, it also skews ones perception of the world so that one does not see the inherent opportunities, nor does one act to embrace those opportunities. It's much better to ask "what is the best version of events" that could come out of this and try to act so that happens (even thought that will then lead to disappointments)

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#83

Post by dm03514 »

without addressing procrastination and the ability you have developed to avoid executing on your dreams, i believe that everything else will be or feel insurmountable.

Nothing is at all lost, 43 is young, you are highly trained, you had skills you were happy with, it's infinitely easier to brush up on skills than learn them the first time.

You have to execute to turn this around. I would set completely realistic trivial goals for yourself to begin with, so that you can practice executing and winning.

Some examples:

"Apply for a single job per day".

"Walk 5 minutes per day".

Things that you know 100% you can achieve. After achieving these for a couple days or weeks, sit back and celebrate, you're executing! you're taking the steps necessary to begin turning your life around. It is one small step at a time. Mark your calendar with green on the days you achieve, watch the greens add up, you are executing you are making strides to improve your life. Celebrate, keep expanding your goals.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#84

Post by rjzzleep »

js8 wrote: post #29
kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

I second that, I would suggest move to a larger city and get a job and therapist there (looks like the OP is from Germany, which I would personally prefer to US). And regarding to life goals, wife and kids in particular, although I have decided not to have a family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think there are many single mothers out there who would appreciate a stable and solid partner with 2nd inco…

One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London.

That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd maybe suggest creating a fixed schedule. Some basic cardio sports at a fixed time and day once a week(if that is too much once every two weeks). Ideally a group practice that gives some social pressure. It's much harder to get out a tough spot when you're alone. Maybe a beginner Capoeira class. No real requirement to socially engage if you don't want to, but warms your heart nonetheless.

And maybe one usergroup of some sort once a month. No need to engage with people. Worst case, you just listen to some talks and get free Pizza.

One thing that's very important in Germany when getting help is to never EVER say that you have suicidal thoughts. The moment you do that you slide into a bracket out of the social system that you can never get out of on your own. Any doctor or psychologist may now force you to take medication or put you in the asylum whenever they chose.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#85

Post by fnord123 »

boppo1 wrote: post #63
fnord123 wrote: post #21

This is above HN's paygrade. International Suicide Crisis Hotline directory: https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you are posting this kind of message on HN then you're at a point that you can call for a 1-1 chat. There are people who can listen. Don't rely on social media to do this.

I recall that this hotline basically just calls your local authorities and prevents you from being a danger to yourself by having you committed to a mental health facility. Sub-optimal.

If OP is in Germany (they say they studied in the US implying that they are no longer there; and their nick is Deutscher) then https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/telefon/ claims to be anonymous.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#87

Post by stuart78 »

kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

A six month series of weekly sessions with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist had a transformative impact in my life. He helped me see some of the actions I was doing more clearly and helped me develop the skills to change. In our sessions we focused on one small part of my life, but I’ve felt the impact quite broadly and still think of him and those conversations regularly, especially when I am struggling. I have at times seen other therapists with less helpful results, so it’s with finding the one that fits for you.

I don’t believe any life is past its time. We all follow our own twisting paths, and it is an easier path when we don’t have to face it all alone.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#88

Post by S_A_P »

I don’t know you or what you’re going through but even though the above is true I would be saddened to know if you harmed yourself. Life is and can be tough. I’m posting the below not to try and play any game of “my problems are worse than yours”.

I’m currently in the midst of a fight with incurable cancer. There is a hope that they can shrink the numerous tumors and affected lymph nodes with chemo and I will have a risky surgeries shot at being cured. According to the very pessimistic internet my type of cancer across ages 8-80 means I have 2 years to live on average.

Funny thing is a few years ago I was a contractor and was billing up to 80 hours per week. I missed a lot of family interaction doing this and I now regret working so long.

So my point in all of this is health is literal wealth. And aside from needing to address your mental health (parents dying is not something you should just stuff down). It sounds like you are generally healthy but going through something. It may be tough to get through this phase of your life but if you do I’m pretty sure you will be happy you did.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#89

Post by balls187 »

Pick one thing to work on, and start there.

I recommend a job, because if family is something you want, it will be easier being gainfully employed.

Simultaneously, you should consider mental health help to deal with the narrative in your head, as that self-talk is going to make it harder to “turn your life around.”

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