Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#81

Post by downut » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 12:57 AM UTC

readthenotes1 wrote: post #80

downut wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise

Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened.

I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model because each of us had so little, then.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#82

Post by wkdneidbwf » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:11 AM UTC

my wife and i are partners. we aren’t keeping score about who makes more money or who takes the garbage out more often.

so if i had advice to offer, it would be to try and change how you place value on what each of you bring to the relationship. your incomes is just one of a plethora of currencies.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#83

Post by wkdneidbwf » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:11 AM UTC

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

this is the way. a couple is a team, not a contest.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#84

Post by yen223 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:25 AM UTC

pbiggar wrote: post #21

If it's helpful, the government* considers it both of your money. If one of you racks up debts that money will go to pay for it. If you divorce, you'll split it. You two are a package deal, so all this pettiness isn't helping anything. Use some of the money to go to therapy, both individual and couples. If you go soon enough you might save your marriage. Either way, it's probably the best investment in yourselves tha…

> *Depends where you are but certainly true in California

Fun fact: here in Australia, married couples file tax returns individually. There's not really a notion of a "joint tax return" here.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#85

Post by silisili » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:37 AM UTC

downut wrote: post #81

readthenotes1 wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise

Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened. I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model…

Add me as a data point. Wife kept overdrawing account, split finances, divorce. All within like 3 years.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#86

Post by cableshaft » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:40 AM UTC

ISL wrote: post #24

In general, we each contribute an equal fraction of our income to a joint account. That money is "team money", from which money then flows to "team savings" and investment accounts. If we make an expenditure out of the team accounts, it gets authorized by both of us, either explicitly (for big stuff) or through an enduring understanding (like groceries). Non-team money lives in individual accounts, for the individual…

This is what we do also. Have a joint account for 'team money', and individual accounts to spend on whatever we feel like beyond that. Some of that individual account stuff tends to still be spent as 'team money', i.e. a lot of the meals from restaurants and non-401k stocks are bought out of my individual account, and a lot of the groceries comes out of her account. Most bills are from the joint account though.

Worked so far the past four years, although I'm sure we could both be a bit more frugal with our individual spending. But for now it doesn't matter too much, bills are getting paid, money is going into retirement and investments (not as much as I'd like, but still a decent amount), we can afford a vacation this year (a fairly simple one, but one nonetheless), etc.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#87

Post by GiorgioG » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:49 AM UTC

There is no “her” money. My wife has been home for 15 years raising our kids. I make the money but it’s not my money. She’s gone back to school now that the kids are mostly self sufficient. When she starts working it’ll go into the bank account we’ve shared since we got married.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#88

Post by silisili » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:52 AM UTC

When you are married, there is no 'her money' or 'your money'. There is just your collective money.

I'd take such squabbling as a huge, waving, in your face red flag. Evaluate it carefully. Question why one would want money they don't want the other touching. Is she planning to live large while you beg for money under an overpass? Or is she thinking of a future without you? Because those are pretty much the two scenarios that would lead to such behavior.

FWIW, I work, my wife doesn't. Imagine if I complained about her spending 'my money.'

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#89

Post by tstrimple » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:52 AM UTC

downut wrote: post #46

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I am the sole income earner in our household, but my wife and I have separate checking accounts. It’s not a matter of whether it’s my money or hers, but just a convenient way to isolate spending to reduce lines of communication. Early in my career I wasn’t earning a lot, and having to coordinate spending around a shared account led to more than one overdraft charge. Yes, this could be solved with careful communication and planning but that’s overhead we didn’t need or want to deal with for day to day spending. Larger purchases we have to coordinate on, but the communication is important there and less so on whether me splurging on a nice lunch with friends is going to impact her paying for school clothes.

Technically both accounts are joint accounts so it’s definitely not about hiding purchases or income. It’s just a logical partition around our daily spending habits.

We have been married for 16 years and together for 23. We don’t ever fight about money.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#90

Post by troutwine » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:55 AM UTC

My wife and I own everything in common and split the household work along the lines of our capabilities. My money, her money never comes into it. It’s our money.