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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#81

Post by itsmemattchung »

Freak_NL wrote: post #60

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so. If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convi…

Fellow American here.

Didn't realize circumcision was not at all prominent in the UK and Europe until I married my British wife.

Also, there's a huge amount of cognitive dissonance in Americans when it comes to circumcision, so be prepared for backlash should you not circumcise your son.

Netflix even has a documentary on the topic worth watching: 2018 American Circumcision

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#82

Post by piotrzuzel »

gambiting wrote: post #64

Father of a 13 month old here. Couple things: 1) I feel like I was extremely well prepared for how to handle a baby - but I wasn't prepared how much this was going to affect my relationship. People generally don't mention it - but I feel like going throught the stress of living with an infant puts an enormous negative pressure on a relationship(it did for me). Things which normally wouldn't have bothered either of us…

> 2) if the baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6-8 months, pay for a sleep consultant. That's what we've done, it was the best spent money in the world, I'd pay 10x as much as we have. Our baby boy was waking up literally every hour at night from 4 months of age until 8 months, I think we were on the verge of going mad, it was completely unsustainable. After a 2 week training session with a consultant he started sleeping through the night, sleep solidly from 7pm till 5am(which is fine with us).

Out of curiousity: what was the exact reason your baby boy didn't sleep through the night? I'm a father of 13 month old baby as well and my boy has just started sleeping basically all night long

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#83

Post by garrickvanburen »

Father of 4 here.

Take care of yourself (physically, mentally), take care of the mom, take care of your relationship - all of those will make taking care of the child far easier.

Beyond that, the kids grow up really fast. Very likely by the time you master their current stage they’re on to the next. Keep up!

Also, kids are fun. Each stage. Find a way to acknowledge and enjoy the person they are and are growing into.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#85

Post by readingnews »

As itsmemattchung pointed out, I bet there are cultural differences. Having two children who are now "adults", I would offer thoughts (and I am a strange being for sure).

I was not a helicopter parent, but certainly more protective than my parents. How many scrapes, stitches, and broken things I had, I can not even count. My children, zero. But I feel in a way I was/am much more fearless than my children.

Money, money, money money... money. I do not know your financial position, but it takes a lot of money to raise kids. I would advise to not worry about it in front of them, or make it a topic in front of them (except for learning events like saving, not overspending, etc). However, START SAVING NOW. Bills fall out of nowhere all the time for the kids.

Be nice. Never ever hit them for discipline. I spared the rod, and we have wonderful, thoughtful, kind children. My parents beat the crap out of me. I am not better for it.

Let them figure out what interests them, BUT, encourage them to master something they like. Few kids truly master things, or keep doing them for a long time. I think this is getting lost in society today. Encourage but do not force.

Let them explore in the sandbox of discovery that is life. The news is full of death and destruction, but the odds are low. They want to ride their bikes out, let them. Exploration will teach them their own internal boundaries.

That is probably enough blabbering on my part. You know what I really learned? That I don't know a damn thing about life.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#86

Post by h2odragon »

ranko wrote: post #55
omginternets wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What’s this about giving mothers a contraceptive shot??

I'm struggling to believe this - without informed consent this has to be medical malpractice (enough to end someone's career) and/or a crime.

My conclusion was that since the doctor showed up after the delivery, he had to find something to do to justify billing. I was out of the room watching the baby at that moment because we didn't trust nobody there at that point.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#88

Post by rfmpie »

uniqueuid wrote: post #6

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…

> Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future

For me, this is key. The early years were hard on me. I’m a hobby-driven introvert, and having kids felt like a major sacrifice of the personal time I was used to. I learned a lot about myself and my needs in the process.

I loved my kids more than anything, but I also teetered on regret for some time. I’d see other dads seem to revel in parenthood and be unequivocally joyful in their decision, and I’d feel ashamed. I feared I wasn’t cut out to be a parent.

Now my kids are 5 and 8, and it’s completely different. Parenting has become much more fun and fulfilling. I look forward to weekends with my kids, chatting with them, encouraging their interests, taking family vacations, family movie nights, and so on. They still drive us nuts on a regular basis, but it's a joyful life, and it’s night and day from the toddler years.

Hopefully you’ll have a smile on your face all the way through! But to the extent you don’t, remember that it’s always changing. Some stages change in weeks or months, others take years. Hang in there, do the best you can, and take it a day at a time.

Also: Be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs. I always was reluctant to ask for alone time because my wife is an extrovert. But I needed it to be a decent human. My wife and I both learned this the hard way. ;)

Congratulations! This is the biggest and most important adventure you can take. <3

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#89

Post by vanderZwan »

Well, as a fellow dad-to-be, my mom recently gave me her copy of "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" after having read it herself (I like her sense of humor there). Although I obviously can't speak from first-hand experience (yet) whether or not the suggestions in it hold up, it does seem very insightful so far and has helped me make sense of my own parents. It also lines up with quite a lot of things I had to work on during therapy for unprocessed ADHD related traumas.

If you're wondering about how to relate and connect with your future child I'd say this book could give some reassuring advice (although I fully expect that having a baby will be a "no battle plan survives contact with the enemy" kind of deal, no matter how much one tries to prepare)

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#90

Post by brucetim »

Learn how to properly install the car seat. Lots of places, including fire depts, have clinics and can check your work. Do this well before you go to the hospital. Last thing you want is to be fiddling with it and unsure as you head home

Learn how to fold and unfold the stroller. They seem easy, but most have a trick.

Do the night care if you can, especially in the early weeks. Let mom sleep as much as possible. Give her time to take a shower, have a nap, etc.

She's going to have "bad days" and snap/yell. Don't take it personally; her hormones are all over the place! See previous note about giving her time/space :)

You're going to dress/feed/play with the baby differently than she wants. It's ok. As long as the baby isn't too hot/cold the outfit doesn't really matter.

It really does all go by faster than you think it will... my first-born twins just graduated college after being born about 7 months ago :)

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