Ask HN: Advice about aging parents • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#81

Post by Clubber » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:46 PM UTC

a2tech wrote: post #73

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that…

>I would put them in the cheapest elder home I could find

I don't think any of them are very cheap.

>They need to figure out their life--not lean on me to figure it out for them.

At least in the US, there aren't a lot of options unless you're pretty wealthy. Medicare doesn't cover nursing care. Nursing homes cost around $5k a month or so last time I checked. They will literally throw them on the curb if they can't pay.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/21/business/nursing-homes-ev...

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#82

Post by m_fayer » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:48 PM UTC

wuunderbar wrote: post #79

geoduck14 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

> Many elderly people die of loneliness. How does this work exactly? Medically speaking.

Depression -> not eating -> weakness -> accident or opportunistic infectious disease.

It's also underappreciated how often depression in the elderly can lead to confusion or even psychosis. Which can also lead to a fatal accident.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#83

Post by sriram_malhar » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:49 PM UTC

If your dad wants to stay at his own house and crawls up stairs, I suggest you embrace it. Don't take it away from him. It is good for his mental and physical state to be doing things on his own terms. His autonomy is good for him, and it is good for you.

Fix what vexes him, not what vexes you!

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#84

Post by germinalphrase » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:54 PM UTC

foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

Start wingsuit gliding an the problem will take care of itself

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#85

Post by wffurr » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:55 PM UTC

JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

I'd love to do something similar, but I have to move to a lower cost-of-living and warmer location for my parents to even consider it.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#86

Post by trashface » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:55 PM UTC

I speak from experience. Aging parents, especially the stubborn type, will be a massive health drain on YOUR health. For little in return. They are still going to die. Don't put them before your own family, even a little bit. It will end you. They lived their lives, you're entitled to the same.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#87

Post by Syzygies » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:57 PM UTC

foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

After watching our father die from advanced dementia, my brother established instructions that no one is to feed him. If he can't bring a spoon to his mouth unassisted, he would like to stop eating. He works at a hospital, so I believe that he understands how to do this in a legally binding way.

This tempts me to leave similar instructions if I can't cook for myself.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#88

Post by danieldevries » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:57 PM UTC

SaltySloth wrote: post #30

I feel you. My father just passed at 86 last year. I told my family the only way he was leaving that house was feet first, and he proved me right. As others have said, get your parents' financials in order. You don't mention where you live. In the US, offering to do your parents' taxes for them is an easy way to get a handle on all their finances without hinting your concern about how long they have. Here's the chall…

Please edit your comment to have paragraphs. I get nausea from this (might be my dyslexia).

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#89

Post by germinalphrase » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:57 PM UTC

Has anyone looked into shared support resources on a friend/intentional community level. Obviously, this wouldn’t be practical in HCOL areas, but buying/building properties in a close space and sharing a privately employed nurse/caregiver doesn’t seem so far fetched for the period between fully independence and full-time care needed.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#90

Post by a2tech » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 4:58 PM UTC

throwawayboise wrote: post #80

a2tech wrote: post #73

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that…

I bet you're glad that they didn't view you as much of an inconvenience to their life ambitions as you view them.

Tough luck I guess? I didn't sign up for this. I love my parents, they made their decisions, I've made mine. I'm not wrecking the future I've planned for and built with my wife because they've failed to adequately plan for their care.

My parents are functioning adults. They've had decades to figure out what they want to do as they age. They haven't been hit with unexpected ruin or financial woes or other troubles. Their lack of preparedness is strictly on them.