Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

Do you recall which graphic novels?

Sorry about your situation and I sincerely hope you get out of this soon.

My 11 year old son passed away earlier this year fighting cancer, he suffered from it twice over the past 6+ years. Our entire lives for the past few years have been trips and stays away from home

The first thing I can say is , you have to take care of yourselves both physically and mentally to be able to take care of your mother. You would end up making numerous decisions both small and large and the whole thing is taxing. In the initial stages of the diagnosis, we did not know what hit us, initially I took a break from work until I could get a grip of the situation. We realized that no matter what, we have to deal with it and keep our son happy and safe, there is nothing much we can do apart from keeping him happy.

Working helped me (Working from Hospital) , it helped me keep the focus and not getting overwhelmed with sadness. I used to work for an hour, then back to my son and so on in the first half of the day.

For you personally, figure out what works for you as a diversion, Work, reading books , movies etc. You need some time off to keep you balanced. I tried all these for the last 6 years – depending on my mood and it definitely helped.

Please take to other families at the hospital etc., it helps.

Please make sure you spend quality time with your mom , doing things which you always wanted to do, talking things you always wanted to talk. It keeps them happy and it makes you happy.

Sometimes , she might not tell you what she is going through; be patient , be strong.

Have been a read only HN member for many years, registered to respond to this. If you want to talk please ping me back.

I am so sorry alcohol caused you this grief. It can be such a destructive force. I don't know what your current relationship with alcohol is, but mine was not good at all. I have been sober for three years and it has made a huge difference for me. I also know that people can drink responsibly. I can't. If you ever want someone to talk to, please feel to reach out to me.

My sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago. It was the type that you don't survive. One thing I learned is that oncologists sometimes know very quickly that you're not gonna make it. Hers didn't respond to any of the treatments. She just started suffering from all the symptoms pretty much immediately: fluid on the lung first, blood clots soon after. Pretty soon the tumors had spread throughout her body, so various other things just stopped working, like her digestive system, which was pretty much blocked off. It's a horrible illness. She was gone within 9 months, and the last 5 of those were a sharp down-hill, with lots of symptom management. There was literally nothing anyone could do. I hate to depress or worry anyone who is going through this, but you already know it sucks. It's cancer.

What I decided, very early in her illness, was "screw work". I told them the situation, and said that I was going to be visiting her 2 days a week (I also had a home life to live, and life has to go on around cancer). Turns out they were extremely flexible and basically said "just let us know when you need to go, and then go". Turned out I was able to work on trains/buses and even from her house, if she dozed off, or was busy with other stuff. One thing I noticed is that, even though 9 months is short when it's the end of someone's life, it's an extremely long time to sit and watch.

To brighten things up a bit: you can't (and shouldn't) be sad all the time even if you or someone close to you has a terminal diagnosis. It benefits nobody. Graveyard humour is sometimes the funniest, because it's so fucking black sometimes that laughter just forces it's way out.

Mostly I just acted like there was nothing different. She thanked me for that many times later in her illness. She was constantly aware of the cancer, and just wanted to be able to think about anything else. My goal was to be there when I could can. Just hang out. We'd talk about pretty much anything except her terminal cancer: my wife, our dogs, her husband and 6 month old baby, what I was cooking for lunch...

She never accepted that she was dying, right to the end. See, she was diagnosed right after giving birth. I wish she did accept it, and try to deal with it, but as someone pointed out (the Chinese reference) perhaps for some people, you cease functioning once you realise it's "game over". But the outcome was that she didn't even leave behind anything for her son, who would never remember her. No recordings, videos, letters. Not a thing. She couldn't bare it.

Anyway, thing is, some cancers are very treatable. Some go away for a few years and come back in a more lethal form. And some just kill you within a few months. In her case, it was really obvious that she had the latter. She wouldn't discuss it with her own oncologist. Her husband had to carry all of that - every decision was left to him. She abdicated. So that brings me to the last part: you need to be there just as much for the satellites that orbit the cancer, as for the person with the cancer. They're all going through the meat grinder. My 94 year old father never thought that he's have to lose a child (he married late, and assumed he'd be the first out of our family to die). My mother was my sister's her best friend, and they saw each other daily. It was extremely tough on her, so I called on her a lot too.

Three years on: life just goes on. Her son is in pre-school. My father is still alive and in relatively great condition for his age. My mother lives for her grandchild. My brother in law has a girlfriend, which is great for him, and everybody is happy for him.

I lost my mother a few years ago to an abrupt cancer diagnosis. Just being by her side every hour I could was all that mattered in the end. I went to work, kept eating and being present for my wife etc to honor the life and love that she gave me even though it all felt impossibly difficult. I think of her every day but somehow have no real regrets about her passing.

Chapter 96 in Ministry for the Future oddly summarizes and validates my experience almost perfectly, for whatever that's worth.

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