721–730 of 767 posts
I'd be very happy with my husband if all we could afford is a subscription app and some stuff to mess about cooking together. I've no idea what sort of person you're looking for, but there's no time limit or cost limit to falling in love.
There's no easy trick, no how-to you can follow and get a guaranteed result. Nothing with which you can bypass hard work on it and not have to confront uncomfortable feelings. You have to spend hours (years in my case), and in the end you won't exactly be in heaven. But there are also unexpected rewards on the way, moments when things click into place and life feels more effortless, full and rich.
I'd share more specific things, but for me it also was a long path of finding out what works and what doesn't, and these might be different for you. And, of course, mistakes, setbacks etc. along the way.
For me, it always has been important to just make a move rather than get it right the first time. Always be moving. I often hate that, but its true. So if this applies to you as well, don't over analyse how to do it, what your best move is, don't spend a year studying what to do on the internet. Just do something: take up a sport, talk to friends, find a therapist (any, and if it don't work out find the next one), do some from of group therapy, meditation, medication, take up a hobby (and drop it), etc. It doesn't matter what you do, the important thing is to get moving, let go what doesn't work and don't stop.
Because, what else are you going to do? You have nothing to lose.
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Honestly, echoing some of mancerayder's sentiment here - I actually think there's a ton of mileage one can get from a not particularly extensively trained listening partner - I think there are cases where you genuinely need a highly qualified therapist, I think there are situations where an under-qualified individual can do a great deal of harm when dealing with someone with particular types of mental issues, but I t…
Therapy, and consequently the background and training of the therapist you see, is broadly subdivided into 2 different fields: 1) what I refer to as "psychiatric" therapy, with a specifically "medical" way of doing things. It's based on diagnosis and pathology, with a focus on treating the underlying causes of mental health problems. This typically amounts to chemical intervention. The provider will always be someone…
For me it took a long, long time to see results. Like 2 sessions a week for 6 months... then see slight improvement... then a major regression after some difficult life events... then another year of thinking I wasn't seeing progress... then rapid improvement.
But, in retrospect, there was constant progress that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to observe. One of my issues was that I had spent decades learning to ignore my issues. It took a lot of progress on that issue before I could see most of the other progress I had made.
One thing I could observe quickly was just how bad things were. Almost every session was revealing new ways my thought patterns were making things hard when they didn't need to be. Not what to do about those thought patterns yet, but just that they were there. That convinced me to keep doing the hard work. I'm glad I did.
1) go travel to cheaper countries 2) lift weights 3) do a blood test and learn about hormones 4) go to the sauna 5) meditation
finance and business success is 2nd order to general improvement.
You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…
So, I really, really can relate to your situation.
Here is what worked for me:
First: Radical self-acceptance. Your outlook to the future determines your success in reaching your goals. That's the hard part, and I'm not there, yet, too.
Second: If you struggle with self-acceptance, apply what I call the Paradox of Specificity.
In professional sports, any exercise should be specific to the training goal to achieve maximum results. If, for example, you're training for a marathon, there is little value in doing chest presses all the day. This rule of specificity to me, is very appealing. It just works like programming: Effort in, result out. However, the rule of specificity does not apply to the way more complex thing that we call "life". Take dating for example. If anything you do with your time is somehow "looking" for a partner, you will most likely fail. This is the part where specificity is actually causing harm.
So, what I did: I created a mindset that I can influence my well-being. The reasoning is easy: If I see that I can change things for the better, I will continue to do things.
First, I started with a proper diet, then I added some sports. The first months already were amazing, so I read everything I could. I optimized my Gym training plan, my diet, my supplements, I experienced with medications, oxygen therapy, cold exposure, sauna, red light exposure and everything I could find. The results: - More confidence as I went from overweight to below 10% body fat - more overall well-being, better sleep, no fatigue - the idea that I really control what's going on in my life was planted in my head
Second, I put myself into uncomfortable situations: I walk every day at least 10k steps, no matter the wheather. I end my shower with cold as long as I could (increasing number of seconds each time), so that my mind gets programmed to complete a task even in uncomfortable situations.
Also, I did things that I would never have done before. Public speaking, travel in solitude (which I admit has felt like loneliness sometimes), practising martial arts.
Third, start to get rid of negative things: Avoid toxic people, avoid alcohol, and other drugs, limit my caffeine intake, no more junk food.
And now, where am I? I'm still struggling with positive perception of the future but I see this gets better every day. I am more open to people and I feel that I "attract" positive vibes around me. I was guest on a marriage and I was able to build strong relationships with other guests. Something I thought I've lost (or just became too old).
A word on therapy: Not sure about your insurance, but if you can afford it, take some "retreat" for 6weeks in a nice clinic that offers nature, sports, good food, therapy sessions and whatnot. This distance from your usual day to day life and the support you get, can be a booster. But: Tell them what you want, put the effort in. I know how harsh that sounds: But no therapist can help if you just sit there and complain how bad everything is.
Btw, getting back to the US seems appealing for me too, right now, even if the timing is not right from an economic pov.
If you want to chat, give me a note here and we'll find a way to connect
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> It just got me wondering how much of therapy is a white culture thing I assume non-white majority countries also have psychologists/therapists, though.
The WHO has data on mental health workers relative to population in various countries around the world. The median number of mental health workers per 100,000 population across 156 countries, is 8. In the US its about 100. China is at the median. India is one of the lowest, at around 1 mental health worker per 100,000 population.
If you take this:
https://www.who.int/data/gho/data/indicators/indicator-detai...
and plot it against a GDP per capita data source, they're basically aligned.
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A therapist is helpful but I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist. Clinical depression and mood issues need to be treated with medication. I would recommend finding a psychiatrist and get a referral for therapist from them if you are able to. You would be able to work together with both medication and theraphy to get better. It will take bit of a time to get better but don't be discouraged, OP. Progress will be s…
> Clinical depression and mood issues need to be treated with medication. How to know someone is American before they even mention "other English speaking countries"
I didn't mean to say everyone feeling depressed should take medication as the default solution.
When I prefixed "clinical" above, I wanted to imply persistent and chronically present issues.
Any decent psychiatrist will not prescribe you medication unless you absolutely require it and will run multiple tests ruling out heart problems, blood pressure issues, thyroid, liver, and many more. A therapist isn't qualified to run and test for alternative medical issues which may manifest as above.
This is why I really wanted to assert that seeing a psychiatrist or medical practioner is important first step.
You may have persistent depression due to unrelated medical issues which may need medication.
Chronic health issues often have a persistent medical cause but not always.
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I can understand why you find that offensive. But there are a lot of offensive things, or things that someone finds offensive, floating around—for this reason, we're all responsible for metabolizing those reactions in ourselves rather than venting them into the commons. It's the only way to prevent discussion quality from further declining. Of course, you would have been welcome to post a thoughtful, neutral reply qu…
Perhaps change [1] clinical to chronic or need to may. It come off strongly than I intended.
> Depression ranges in seriousness from mild, temporary episodes of sadness to severe, persistent depression. Clinical depression is the more-severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder.
I certainly didn't mean to imply everyone with depression should default to any depression related medication.
1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/ex...
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There is fake it till you make it (which is what you are suggesting) and ignoring reality.
People can start and find wonderful and fulfilling lives in their 40's. Personally I have no idea what the OP is like and if this discussion is the only interaction you've had with the person, neither likely do you. Which means both of us are unable to guess what he can still achieve in life. A borderline depressed person will describe their circumstances and capabilities in a way that plausibly does not in fact refl…
Accepting the reality, that he's done nothing for the last 10 years, SHOULD get him to pick something, anything, that he would be proud to build up over the next 10 years.
Pretending he is similar to Steve Carell does him a disservice.