Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

There's tremendous social power in humility. Go onto LinkedIn, and start connecting with people you know from elementary, high school, college, and your master's. Reconnect with those you were closest with once upon a time. You can also simply ask for advice from some poeple by asking for informational interviews with them.

Remember that depression, anxiety and mental disease will make you lie to yourself. For example, I hear shades of those lies when I see you say something is "too late" or a "pity case" or that you "wallowed" and so let your life pass you by. These are all lies.

I think that very few people - excluding, you'll pardon the profanity, assholes - would not understand taking care of your father, then taking care of your family and grieving. In fact, many people will greatly respect you for that. Again, your depression may be lying to you there.

Again, another lie: 43 is not too late for a wife or kids.

It is difficult that you do not have mental health resources nearby you. I get the impression you are not in the U.S., and so I don't know what the state of telehealth is in your country, but here in the U.S. a large amount of therapists meet with their client via video screen, making distance less of a concern. Maybe that is happening where you are.

If not, I would recommend learning about something called "learned helplessness". It is in a book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It explores how we explain things to ourselves, and how people can get into the habit of explaining bad events as personal faults. I feel that's what you're doing.

Two things you might want to do that might seem childish, but could be useful. The first is to wear a rubber band on your wrist, and each time you hear yourself deriding yourself, snap it against your wrist. You'll begin to become a lot more conscious of the messages you are sending yourself.

The other suggestion is to start adding a few words to each insult you tell yourself. "Right now, my mind is telling me that ... ". "Right now, my mind is telling me that I'm worthless." The idea is to start associating the fact that these statements are a mental message, not the truth.

There are a lot of people whose lives didn't begin until their forties. I don't know if you ever watched the TV show "Frasier," but the actor who played his dad didn't start acting until his forties. There are a lot of other people who didn't begin until later in life.

And what you have done already is not throwing away your life. You got a master's and helped your father and your family. These are all hard and noble things. I am telling you as an objective stranger: it is okay for you to feel proud of yourself for these things. None of this is shameful.

We are children and grandchildren of people who went through all that and did not have any meaningful way to process it.

Our society is not sicker than it used to be. It is likely the opposite. And that is partly because we understand mental health better today so we can process our trauma. Including that which was handed over to us in the form of alcoholism, abuse, or neglect by our less fortunate ancestors.

This 12 step program helped me in my 50s.

https://underearnersanonymous.org

> Underearners Anonymous® is a Twelve Step Fellowship of people who have come together to help themselves and one another recover from underearning.

> Underearning is many things, not all of which are about money. While the most visible consequence is the inability to provide for one’s needs, including future needs, underearning is also about the inability to fully acknowledge and express our capabilities and competencies. It is about underachieving, or under-being, no matter how much money we make.