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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#71

Post by alan-crowe »

In the UK, there are tax breaks for renting out your spare room https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-sc...

I've done this for much of my life. It has always worked out OK. Perhaps because I've always picked a nice middle class person as my lodger. Even the mentally ill homeless person I rented my spare room to was a nice middle class mentally ill homeless person and a friend of a friend, who recovered from his reactive depression and moved on as anticipated.

If there is a university nearby, there are probably graduate students looking for a cheap place to stay while they finish writing up their PhD thesis. Since graduate students are pretty much guaranteed to be respectable, you may need to ask for less than the market rent to grab one, but you don't mention being short of money. They will have their own concerns about you, but your dog will vouch for you.

You don't mention having a spare bedroom that you could rent out, I'm just guessing that "working remote" implies living somewhere with affordable housing, and that you have extra space. If you live in a one bedroom flat, maybe sell it or rent it out entirely, and take the other side of the deal, becoming a lodger yourself.

That is not an option for me. I'm trapped by my stuff: grand piano, Boxford CUD lathe, too many maths books. I cannot vouch for that option, but it works for my lodger, so it works for some people. (I'm over sixty and he is older than me.)

I fear that my comment is a little "off" and not quite appropriate, but in my defense, it is responsive to "I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person."

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#72

Post by lostmsu »

Drop medication and go out. By which I mean meetup/join a club/choir/whatever you can tolerate or maybe even enjoy the activity on its own (to get company and not feel forced).

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#73

Post by apothegm »

nephihaha wrote: post #18
xitrium wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you move to a city? This is what most people I know in this situation do. Though I had a great time getting a car and taking myself out for hikes, sauna / spa days, activities and parties in the east bay near SF. Great place for practicing being alone. I had to think about it like dating myself - where would I have taken a date for fun? Try a bunch of things and see what sticks and remember you can appreciate mom…

Ironically I find cities more isolating than the countryside. At least in the countryside you have the beauty of nature. In many modern cities, there is less and less social connection and community. Sometimes I suppose it is finding the right groups... And sometimes you have to take the initiative and create in person groups.

The suburbs, though, are the worst of both worlds.

Cities at least are full of a huge variety of people looking to make connections.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#74

Post by card_zero »

Society seems to disapprove of liking to be alone. What else can we expect, it's a society, so of course it does. But if you really want me to teach you how to do this terrible thing:

View it as an opportunity. You don't have to fix the blinds or cook, and you don't have tell anybody about it. There is nobody to maintain an image for. You can be really gross, or incredibly lazy, nobody will notice. (This is perhaps the real meaning of Sartre's phrase "hell is other people".)

Drop the pitiful attitude. Instead of whining "Who will comfort me?" you must experiment with saying "Yes! Everybody has finally fucked off!".

For a while it will seem as if you need other people to give life depth and meaning, but this is an illusion. You are habituated to leaching meaning off them, is all. Now you have to find your own sources. "Solitary confinement with internet" sound like the most ideal prison to me: would you really want to be surrounded by other prisoners, with their noise and drama?

This is adaptation, and thus will take time, because of ingrained habits, expectations, and habits not yet arrived at. The process unfortunately is slow and stupid and you'll have to sit it out, perhaps in front of a games console.

Get better games, until you find one you can immerse yourself in for a month, with enthusiasm. Don't skimp in hunting for games.

Listen to the silence. That is, listen to the distant ambient sounds. This should be soothing meditation, and if you do it long enough you'll get the peculiarly naughty and sensual feeling of sitting quietly. Think of it as a free John Cage concert. Silence is golden, right? It's something rare. Social people are continually destroying it for one another, so they miss out.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#75

Post by card_zero »

sillysaurusx wrote: post #68
delichon wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of becoming an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.

Thank you. Really. I took that to heart.

Notice though that no specific reason is given:

> hard emotional labor

⸻ that's not a selling point,

> isolated

⸻ necessarily, that's the same as "alone",

> waiting to die

⸻ not necessarily, why?

> Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty,

⸻ "alone is bad", how?

> A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family

⸻ "company is worth lots of money", how, why?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#76

Post by aogaili »

I have been through the exact same thing at the same age.

I'm 40 now.

The last two years, I had to learn how to be alone with myself. How to deal with the ups and downs, and frankly, it was the most difficult yet the most growth I ever had in my life.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#77

Post by delichon »

card_zero wrote: post #75
sillysaurusx wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you. Really. I took that to heart.

Notice though that no specific reason is given: > hard emotional labor ⸻ that's not a selling point, > isolated ⸻ necessarily, that's the same as "alone", > waiting to die ⸻ not necessarily, why? > Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, ⸻ "alone is bad", how? > A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family ⸻ "company is worth lots of money", how, why?

I hope that you live a long healthy, happy life without ever learning the answers to these questions.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#78

Post by Herring »

You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity.

Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate.

The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by yourself much better.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#79

Post by notsure357 »

My mom moved to a remote area after she retired, she had a partner who moved there with her, although he was much older. They always lived in a house on a lake. She retired early because she wanted to enjoy the time that he was still active and travel, which they did. 10 years later her partner died and she had health complications that made it difficult for her to travel anymore. Once this happened, she hated the area she lived in. There wasn't even a YMCA nearby that she could exercise and swim at, which she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't go for a walk because her house was on a hill that was too difficult for her to walk. She could have driven to a different area and gone on walks but she didn’t ever want to do that by herself. It took me 45 minutes to drive to where she lived and help her grocery shop and clean house, which I did twice a week. The covid pandemic forced her to move into assisted living and she died three months after moving there due to her chronic illness. I couldn't tell you if the 10 years before things got bad were worth it in comparison to the misery she suffered at the end, but moving to a remote area definitely had its disadvantages that there was no solution for when it hit.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#80

Post by lukevp »

sillysaurusx wrote: post #3
appsoftware wrote: post #2

Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors)…

Thank you. Unfortunately I live in a suburb, and not a very walking-friendly one either, so there aren't really any third spaces to go to. Maybe a silly question, but any suggestions on how to find hobbies?

How about the library? A lot of suburbs have libraries
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