Go to Reddit with this kind of thing, seriously
what the hell
Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
71–80 of 118 posts
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#72As long as you are obsessed with this - you'll perpetuate the problem. The more needy you are and craving for attention the more unattractive and uninteresting you look as a person. The only solution for these types of problems (aside of usual phychotherapy/physiology that you need to rule out first with help of professionals!) - is to genuinely stop giving a single damn whether you're alone or not. Right after that…
After reading your comment, I'm left wondering. What exactly is actionable in it? How exactly does it help a person in OPs position? Apart from the part deferring to a therapist, which is more or less common knowledge in this day and age, there's nothing there thats ... helpful. Actionable.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#73I know I'm too being vague, like all other comments in this thread. But my suggestion would be to work on feeling well/good. The energy one emanates is what attracts or pushes other people away. It is of course a very complex topic, how to reach a state of emotional well-being, but you can start by taking better care of yourself, your health and your mood will also improve.
Once your general state of health/emotional well-being improves, you'll see that this state of craving others also fades.
So how do you improve your well-being/health? The cornerstone should be paying attention to your body, your sensations, feelings and listening. Resting well when tired. Eating well. Noticing your thoughts, especially negative thoughts about yourself. Learn to be kinder to yourself. If you do these things, you'll feel better and you'll become a bit more attractive to others.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#74Hi yresting, I hear you, but I don't think this is the best place to be looking for wisdom in this area - this community is somewhat well known for being head down in work.
I see some straight up bad advice being given in here (being obsessed with finding relationships, which is human need does not perpetuate the problem, it is a biological drive to solve it)
And some good advice: Be genuinely curious about others. Really listen to them. Look in their eyes when they are talking to you and when you are talking to them. (This has done wonders for me in trying to build community!)
For me personally, being christian has helped a little (church ends up being a source of community). Is there any spiritual or religious practice you could find a place of worship to be around others who share your belief with? I'm not trying to impose my faith, but rather my practice of being around those who share my core beliefs.
Another thing that really really helped me was getting over my preoccupation with older friends. My closest friend is 30 years older than me. Literally my dad's age. He is a consistent and reliable guy, and despite having somewhat different backgrounds, he's given mid-30s me a LOT of wisdom and encouragement.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#75As long as you are obsessed with this - you'll perpetuate the problem. The more needy you are and craving for attention the more unattractive and uninteresting you look as a person. The only solution for these types of problems (aside of usual phychotherapy/physiology that you need to rule out first with help of professionals!) - is to genuinely stop giving a single damn whether you're alone or not. Right after that…
After reading your comment, I'm left wondering. What exactly is actionable in it? How exactly does it help a person in OPs position? Apart from the part deferring to a therapist, which is more or less common knowledge in this day and age, there's nothing there thats ... helpful. Actionable.
> What exactly is actionable in it?
That’s exactly the point!
There is no _action_ towards the claimed goal that wouldn’t make the problem worse!
I know that both from personal experience and from years of observation of other people.
The only _action_ is to switch focus completely away from this problem to something more meaningful.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#76I am guessing everyday you are getting a chance to make a friend, but somehow it doesn’t work out.
So let’s invert it: what prevents/kills friendships?
- lying (for whatever reason) - talking too much about yourself - not asking people about their lives - being too private - being too judgmental - not empathizing - e.g. someone tells you about something hard they’re experiencing and you change the subject - not caring to help (also showing you don’t care about others that aren’t in your friend-zone) - not offering help - not being kind - not smiling (more like makes it hard for people to approach you)
Most of us want/need friends. Most of us want/need to talk to others about our lives. Someone just moved to where you live. They need a friend. They will strike a conversation w anyone.
Even people in your past probably wanted to be your friend (either coz they thought you were cool or they just needed a friend) - you can still be friends with them. I’ve become friends w people I met long after meeting them.
Asking someone how they are is not so much about the other person. It’s mostly a social ritual. But if no one is asking you how you are, they might also be intimidated by you.
As Aaron Burr would say: talk less, smile more - jk, do more of both.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#77> Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life
You may be lonely now, but you will have some different stages in life where friendship and companionship may appear.
First - when you start working you will join a team of some sorts. Just be yourself and and make sure you attend all the team nights out.
Second - traveling. You can join tour groups and visit some cool places. Don't do this to specifically find friends but you will be part of a group and have companionship for a brief period.
Thirdly - dating. You will be able to find a partner. This is most peoples main companion in life.
Fourthly - you could join a non-work team where you can have social interactions. I can't give too much advice on this one because I am not on a team like this.
Fifthly - find a co-founder and start a company
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#78You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way, even if it feels isolating.
Small routines and low-pressure social spaces helped me more than forcing myself into big social situations.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#79You need to lead, talk, make friends and be outside your comfort zone. You need to make an effort.
I’d like to think I do make an effort in a way, I try to go to the events that are being held at school, I’ve joined a few clubs and I talk to some of the people there. But it doesn’t go anywhere from there. But I will admit I’m socially anxious and keep to myself, but when I see an opportunity to crack a joke I do. But still it leads no where, I’m just that funny quirky kid who made a joke at the holiday festival. I…
Anxiety and ADHD are often symptoms of CNS disorder.
These, that, kept me away from a lot of “normal people” until I figured out what was causing them for me.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#80You’re in a tough spot. Loneliness can make people act in ways that others are put off by. You can end up trying to pull people in to help salve the pain you feel. It can perpetuate itself despite your effort.
I heard a saying once that is a hard truth that stuck with me. “If you want to be loved, be loveable.” Take stock of yourself and your confidence. Choose some areas for growth and accomplishment that you can get after independently. You’re in college so it’s a great time to build yourself with intention.
For example, learn to play music. Get into a sport. Find your interests and get after them with gusto.
Skills and interests will give opportunity for connection not just with people but with yourself. You can be so much more than you are today.