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Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

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Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#71
post #62

Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleepi…

Hard agree. I lost everything. Pre kids: working in a startup with long (but enjoyable) hours, lots of travel, conferences, tech meetups multiple nights throughout the week followed by continued discussion / dinner / bar hopping afterwards, music festivals, clubbing until sunrise and time with friends on weekends. If I wanted to do something, focus on something, or neglect something it could happen. Then I had a chil…

Yes, all the "it's hard" that you hear from others – yeah you have no idea until you actually experience it.

So glad things improved for you. Really once you're a dad, the only choice is to adapt or divorce. Call it copium or what have you, but you do what needs to be done, you shift your mindset however it needs shifting, and do whatever helps you (and everyone else) get through.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#72
Congrats sir!

Switch to eating fruit (and other raw foods) at least 70% of your total intake.

Your energy levels will go up and your sleep needs will go down.

You'll need that in the beginning to be a solid support for your partner and the baby.

This will allow you to be extra patient and empathetic with everyone, which is what you'll need.

You'll also enjoy this process (if it's even possible) at least 50% more than on crappy energy levels.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#73
Always have a stack of paper towels, or wet wipes with you at all times. You'll do this until they're 5 or so.

They go through clothes at a prodigious rate, it's ok to shop 2nd hand stores. A whole new universe of places you walked right past will appear. (Or, does everyone just get everything on Amazon these days? My child is 17)

Always keep boys covered when changing them, girls are easier to deal with.

Their face will change at least 5 times in the first 2 years, lots of photos and videos are comforting to look back on later in life. I still love watching the "Peek a boo" videos I made so very long ago... they always make me smile.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#74
Sleep when you can. That's really my only piece of advice in the first couple of months, as long as your newborn isn't sleeping regularly you need to catch your Z's at every opportunity. Don't allow yourself to become exhausted. Everything else will be much easier if you keep your reserves topped up.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#75
post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hard agree. I lost everything. Pre kids: working in a startup with long (but enjoyable) hours, lots of travel, conferences, tech meetups multiple nights throughout the week followed by continued discussion / dinner / bar hopping afterwards, music festivals, clubbing until sunrise and time with friends on weekends. If I wanted to do something, focus on something, or neglect something it could happen. Then I had a chil…

Yes, all the "it's hard" that you hear from others – yeah you have no idea until you actually experience it. So glad things improved for you. Really once you're a dad, the only choice is to adapt or divorce. Call it copium or what have you, but you do what needs to be done, you shift your mindset however it needs shifting, and do whatever helps you (and everyone else) get through.

Divorce doesn’t stop you from being a parent. Having a child is one of the few non-invertable functions you can apply to life.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#76
Short answers: Read, Count, Time, Answer whys, Allowance. Details below: Read: From the beginning, read. Baby brains have more brain cells than adults. The first 2 years the brain removes useless brain cells. If the brain knows words are important, it keeps them. It is why some people can never learn to speak like a foreign language like a native, they just do not have the brain cells to properly hear the sounds they are messing up. I have been told Japanese does not have an ‘L’ sound.

My kids could read before they started kindergarten. Not very well, but each could read their favorite book.

Corollary is to practice letters. It is not enough to have the letter chart on the wall, read them off.

Count: Similar to reading. Start as early as possible. Although I am sure there are exceptions, they have found that most kids, if they are good at math at the age of 5, are good at 10, 15, and 20. Likewise if they are bad, they never catch up.

Whys: You never want them to decide they cannot answer a question. Work hard at coming up with appropriate answers that are accurate. Occasionally toss in a ‘I do not know, why do you think it is?’. Later add more questions to spur thinking. ‘Why is the grass green’ I have often asked.

Time: Your kids will and do value your time with them, not the money you spend on them.

Allowance: I have seen many people struggle with finances. In the Majority (not all) cases, their childhood did not involve an allowance, they would just get things if their parents felt they could afford it.

When they are old enough, start giving an allowance. We did it with no chores expected. Chores are what you do because you are a family member, not because we pay you. When you go somewhere and they want a 'frozen lemonade' or a trinket, tell them they are welcome to it, with THEIR money. It is interesting to see how often the NEED disappears.

My son and I were at a festival when he was 7 or 8. I typically have a refillable water bottle with me. Now this was in Florida and it was a hot day. My son turned to me, clutching his throat, ‘Oh dad I am so parched’. I was impressed I did not know he knew the word ‘parched’. Me: ‘Oh that is so sad’ with a concerned look on my face, ‘what can we do about that?’ Son: (stammering for emphasis) ‘I, I think, I need a lemonade…’. Me (faked surprised look on face as I notice the frozen lemonade stand we just walked by) ‘That is a great idea, I think you should’. Son, with the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face, turned around to walk back to the frozen lemonade stand. He had only taken one step to the stand, when I added ‘with your money’. He stopped dead in his tracks. OMG you could see his brain contemplating what to do. He turned around and in a very casual voice, ‘Hey dad can I borrow your water bottle’. At that point I knew he valued money appropriately.

When I first planned out the allowance, I contemplated the alternative solution, which I had seen others play out. In the late teens, early twenties, many friends had to call their parents and beg for money to cover 3 months of rent (2 late and current). So far so good, I have saved money by providing an allowance.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#77

The biggest question is: Do you prefer working with humans or working with computers? If you prefer working with humans -- e.g. you had/ve a lot of (girl) friends; you prefer late drinks parties instead of drilling deep into some esoteric computer problem; you are not super intrigued by topics such as compiler design, operating system and such -- then you shouldn't have a lot of problems. After all the baby is just o…

> You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer.

If there's a meta-lesson in this for the OP... Don't get stuck in the old equilibrium. Parenthood is a time of big changes - leave stuff in the past, allow yourself into new, unknown equilibriums. Yeah, you have no idea what they are or where they are, but they don't involve addictions, constant tension, or anyone's personality disintegrating.

I'm being insensitive, because I also don't understand you.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#78

The biggest question is: Do you prefer working with humans or working with computers? If you prefer working with humans -- e.g. you had/ve a lot of (girl) friends; you prefer late drinks parties instead of drilling deep into some esoteric computer problem; you are not super intrigued by topics such as compiler design, operating system and such -- then you shouldn't have a lot of problems. After all the baby is just o…

> You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer. If there's a meta-lesson in this for the OP... Don't get stuck in the old equilibrium. Parenthood is a time of big changes - leave stuff in the past, allow yourself into new, unknown equilibriums. Yeah, you have no idea what they are or where they are, but they don't involve addictions, constant tension, or a…

Thanks. That's fine. After 3 the situation becomes more manageable. A friend of mine was in the same shoes and 3 is the magic number. I think it has a lot to do with interactivities enabled after 3.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#79
In addition to other advice. Make sure all the things are safe. If you have a back garden, pond, pool, blinds with cords. Smoke alarms. Etc.

Buy second hand as much as possible. Don’t to a baby show where they sell new and non discounted stuff.

If breastfeeding doesn’t work out so be it. Ignore the nazis on this topic.

Something in advance is make sure you have a job that ain’t stressful, where your mind isn’t occupied stressfully about the job at home. Probably means planning 2 years ahead to change job if this is the case.

You might want to apply for daycares, primary and high schools soon. Depending on your area.

Re: Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

#80
I have two flourishing adult children. Here are some things from experience not to do;

* Do not accidentally drop them on their head * Do not accidentally dislocate their elbow. * Do not put their shoes on the wrong feet when taking them for a walk. * Do not put them on a snow sleigh on a steep hill with a river at the bottom. * Do not neglect them in a bookshop while reading computer books and then turn to watch them being dragged heavenward up the outside of an escalator to the next floor.

And things to do;

* If a Father/Daughter * Do not make fun of her, even as a baby, baby girls understand more than you think * When she is an older girl buy her a beautiful pair of shoes/boots of her choice. She will not forget it. * If a Father/Son * When he can walk take him to the forest and let him choose a stick. * When he is older teach himself how to defend himself e.g. someone grabs him by throat, stamp on their foot.

When they are in their 20s; * If they live in the same city go for a walk/coffee with them every week or two.

  Family is all about walking, talking, eating and playing. Work is about paying the bills. Service is what we do for others.
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