Hmm I guess what I said can come off as condescending. But I was trying to condense all of my experience in less than 4k words, and I guess I came out sounding a bit like an asshole based on your comment.
Trust me, I don't think that highly of myself. Even when I was getting good perf reviews, I constantly was critical of myself as not doing a good enough job. I had bad burn out for several years and it made me feel like I couldn't do my job anymore. My self confidence was very bad, and I still struggle with imposter syndrome in my current role.
Many of the things I described above, I used to blame myself for as if they were entirely my fault. It was only after working with a therapist I was able to reframe these events as being out of my control. Which helped me get out of the hole I was in. So I disagree it's bad to blame external events - I actually think that's a very healthy way to look at the bad things that happen to us.
By saying I want to work with people that care like I do, I mean people who are passionate about engineering and want to do a good job. I've found that incredibly hard to find. Morale in general just seems to be poor.
I probably just need to be realistic. It seems the kind of dream team I want to be on is very rare. I had it once in my career so far, and didn't even realize what I had at the time.
> The impression I get is that you must be someone incredibly annoying to work with
I'm actually a pushover, which is a problem. I go out of my way to make everyone I work with happy, at my own expense. Despite being an introvert, I'm the person organising social events, checking in on my team members who seem down, and trying to help everyone to get along. But I guess my inner dialogue makes me sound like an asshole, which is fair enough. I think I can be overly critical of others (and myself, first of all).
> Stop looking outside, work on yourself instead.
Yes, this is a good point and what I'm trying. I find my FAANG job very stressful, and it makes it hard for me to relax outside of work. Maybe my next challenge is just learning to disconnect from work as much as possible. Easier said then done.