Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

I was formally diagnosed in the past with an autism spectrum disorder, although I am high-functioning. Now I am beginning to suspect I also carry symptoms of schizoid personality disorder, although this would be a self-diagnosis.

I have never liked interacting with people. This is less of a problem stemming from a lack of social skills than a lack of interest in anyone in my vicinity who could be a social target, and I don't think there's a pill one can take to make other people interesting to one's psyche in perpetuity. It's not a thing for people to criticize what others are interested in, like picking gardening over weightlifting, so I never understood why not being interested in human interaction was any different. That is what being myself feels like. Of course, because interacting with humans is necessary due to how humans underpin critical services like healthcare, there are downsides to not wanting to interact with humans. Despite this, I feel happier alone.

When my family gets close to disowning me outright or people I used to know told me I'm weird to my face, somehow I always come out the other end unfazed, as if I had come to expect it all along and didn't care that I had lost another social link. If someone isn't going to accept that I don't care about socializing with them (and maybe can't, at a neurological level), then there's nothing more I can do.

The fact is, I don't know what else I could do except subjecting myself to what amounts to propaganda (if not therapeutic propaganda) in an effort to convince me I'm something I'm not, for the ultimate outcome of a higher quality of life, regarding a life that is no longer mine. Study authors feel the need to separate people like me out from the average population, as if the condition is an inbuilt part of us. Maybe I have to accept that my brain is different, and not in a way that happens to be more socially acceptable like not identifying as heterosexual. At least in that domain the issue concerns which kinds of people you're interested in, not whether or not you're interested in humanity at all. I have become disillusioned too many times from subversive messaging from individuals who advertise themselves in that way, accepting "everyone", whereas while I tilt my head up and down in superficial understanding in their direction, I can only ever wonder what they're selling.

Also, therapy has never worked for me, the simplest reason being that I don't care about building a relationship with a therapist, especially with the knowledge that the relationship is based on my ability to pay the other party. Nobody I've ever met has understood this, and I have begun to get incredibly suspicious when someone recommends me to start therapy for the 14th time regardless (or even in spite of my own protests), as if it were their off-hand token of sympathy for anyone that matches my general profile.

At the same time I can recognize that the people offering those tokens are not trained to deal with me. Even so, my last therapist said that she couldn't address my concerns because she "was only human."

To answer your original question, I cope with the loneliness that does occur by not recognizing it as loneliness. It isn't advice for you, because my belief is that this is just the pathology of my supposed disorder, and not something that arrived from any personal train of thought. From reading the literature (R.D. Laing, etc.), some believe that the schizoid condition (not necessarily yours, I'm only mentioning this in case it's somehow enlightening) is a contradictory struggle of wanting acceptance from others while rejecting excessive influence and expectations.

I treat the idea of "friends" as "eternal vacation wherever I feel like." They would be nice to have if things worked out, but they don't, so I have to be content living without them. But the problem with the word "friend" is its usage is too vague in my mind. It doesn't encapsulate the expectations the person places on you, which I want none of. It doesn't specify what gated requirements are needed to prevent the relationship from imploding for a reason you interpret as petty or part of a social contagion you do not believe in. As a result, I am not interested in what a neurotypical would refer to when they say the word "friend". My social interest, if any, would be about something else entirely, but which encapsulates the same need for contact/acceptance which is gotten at.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful. It feels like I'm just venting myself without addressing the question. I seem to have a sort of protagonist syndrome, owing to the "disordered artist" stereotype that is perpetuated, and that fear of being outed as an "I am special"-type prevents me from talking about this earnestly with anyone in real life, especially not on the internet under a recognizable handle. Then again, I don't expect to maintain a vulnerable relationship for the rest of my life at this point, and I'm not even 30.

This resonates with me a lot. I feel like I'm cutting people off and making poor choices in pursuit of "freedom" but in reality only becoming more lonely. I moved to Lisbon this year and recently started to see a therapist which I'm hoping will help. I would definitely recommend giving that a try. And if you're also in Portugal I'm looking for friends : )

I don't how to relate to you 100%. I have lived alone for like 10 years and have not tired of it.

But I will say this. I do actually go out and interact with people on a regular basis. I might live alone but I do not bask in it for long periods of time.

To wit, I am weary of taking full advantage of WFH and prefer hybrid schedule.

So if you WFH and live on your own that could be a good place to start revising your life. And I say this because HN has a large programmer/IT demographic.

But yeah, not seeing any people on a regular basis can make you could go loopy.

So if you WFH, maybe reconsider. In short, you're not meant to be holed up 24/7.

I'm introverted and even I know that isn't good for me.

>It‘s not a phase. I am turning 30 soon.

At least a little, it might actually still be a phase. I'm 40 this year, and something I can say in retrospect is that I was a very dramatic person from about 26 to 31. Those were probably my most existentially anxious years. Of course, it would also be wrong to definitively tell you it's a phase--it might not be a phase--but I also do remember what you are feeling now and that it eventually went away as I lightened up.

I think, and might be mistaken, people feel so dreadful in their late 20s because they think that their life is completely over at 30. This too, I think, is because I think they still have such a strong memory of being a teenager and thinking anyone over 26 is old and boring.

When I was 29, a 50 year old guy at work said to me "you have the whole thing still in front of you". I was polite, but secretly felt the the assessment was ridiculous. I felt so strongly that it was over for me that I wrote it off as his own politeness. But it's actually true, you are, right now, at an amazing point in your life. Try to appreciate the miracle of being 30 years old. It's a tremendous gift and you can claim it for quite some time still.

Here's what I was doing from 26-32: I lived with my parents, almost entirely unemployed and increasingly isolated from my former friends. At 34, I went back to school and was hanging out with a big group of friends (many in their 20s), going to the beach and even house parties. Of course, it eventually became clear it was time to move on from that kind of life. But I say this because I want you to understand that your life is not set in concrete right now. You can still do and have anything you want.

Here's my advice to you: join toastmasters, or reconnect with your absolutely ugliest friend. This is important because they will likely connect you other people who not so ugly, and because they will probably appreciate the company. I would say: you need a strategy. Think of where the people are and go have a look. Maybe you can learn something, but try not to creep anyone out while you do it.

Good luck friend.

Could you indicate some such books you have read or been reading. Would be helpful.