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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#71

Post by mooreds »

drdec wrote: post #61
mooreds wrote: post #30

This is a real tough one. I have lived this and my best advice is that you should be equal partners. From personal experience, each partner contributes different strengths and abilities. Money is easy to divide and represents life energy but there is more to a partnership. Equal partners does not mean exactly the same effort. Do you split the household chores exactly 50%? Probably not. I look at this in the same ligh…

> If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor? Legally speaking, an inheritance is not marital property. If you put it in a joint bank account or use it to improve joint property it can become marital property however.

You have a point, the OP owns his wife's startup jackpot in the eyes of the law. (Unless there's a prenup in the mix, which is not mentioned.)

But there's legal situations and then there is real life. If a discussion about money ever gets the lawyers involved, then the marriage is either way more high powered than anyone I've ever known or is in a pretty bad state.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#72

Post by mooreds »

matthewwolfe wrote: post #37

It’s weird to be married and imagine a scenario where my wife and I are arguing hers vs mine. I make approximately 4x more than my wife and we treat all money as shared. Bills are paid from a shared checking and if she wants to buy something she’s more than welcome to. I think one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is being financially aligned. My wife and I are both similarly frugal so it works out…

> I think one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is being financially aligned.

This! I will say I don't think that this aspect is static, just like other aspects of a healthy marriage. You have to keep working to ensure you are both aiming at the same goals.

> And she elevates me in so many other ways. Finances is just one piece of a big pie that is marriage.

Yes! Money is the most easily divisible, but there are so many other contributions required for a marriage. My SO absolutely elevates and supports me in many ways beyond $$$.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#73

Post by excitednumber »

Noted wrote: post #70
avani wrote: post #58

My husband and I have always had a deal where we live off the higher salary, and the lower is allocated as our "fun money" (dinners out, travel, etc.). We've swapped back and forth over 20 years, but it worked well for me psychologically when I was making less, since everything we did that wasn't grown up stuff came from "my" side of the budget,

That's pretty similar to what my wife and I do. It helps that my income is enough to fund the mortgage + expenses, but if she wasn't working we wouldn't have as nearly as much "fun money"

This is really cute

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#75

Post by danaris »

My wife and I have been all over the place with regard to relative compensation: she's made significantly more than me, I've made significantly more than her, we've both made about the same...

Honestly, the way I've dealt with it when she made more than me is.....I never tied my self-worth to my income or ability to provide in the first place. All our money is ours, and as long as we, together, have enough to support a reasonably comfortable lifestyle, we'll be fine.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#76

Post by 0xbadc0de5 »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

We're also one pot. Similar situation to the OP - I'm making what most would consider a very respectable income yet my wife still earns 2x my total comp (she didn't get the memo about the glass ceiling either). Although I've had previous windfalls that level the field a bit. Jealousy and territorial attitudes have never entered our minds. We're a team and support each other - my success is her success and vice-versa. We have the same financial priorities and similar spending habits - we live well within our means and consult each other on large purchases. There is no 'my money', there is only 'our money.'

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#78

Post by Fire-Dragon-DoL »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

My wife is my wife and every dollar I earn is 50% hers (same the other way).

If divorce has to come my way, reality is we always lived with the assumption that everything is split by 50%.

We talk to each other when spending money on lavish things,which is actually a good sanity check

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#79

Post by technocratius »

jononomo wrote: post #38

A lot of commenters are completely overlooking the gender dynamic here. A husband earning much more than his wife is different than a wife earning much more than her husband.

Can you elaborate? Intuitively it feels you might be right, but every reason I can come up with myself I can also rationalize to the point that it shouldn't matter

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#80

Post by readthenotes1 »

downut wrote: post #46
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise
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