Many of the replies so far seem to focus on what you can do for others. What about taking the opposite perspective. How do you relate to your own vulnerabilities? How do you comfort yourself when things are bad or you made a mistake? Do you have patience for your own vulnerabilities or do go directly to self-flagellation for your short comings? If you do the latter, start by fixing this within yourself and how you respond to others will follow naturally.
Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
71–80 of 94 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#72Maybe the reason they told you this is because you gave them the impression of being a judgemental person. Maybe you criticise and judge people often?
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#73A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…
How to Win Friends and Influence People talks about this. Learn to be a good listener.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#74The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…
I've heard of NVC several times here on HN, and whenever I've looked into it I've come away with the following conclusion: This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. But it seems like it would be ineffective and/or annoying to people who are not familiar with it or do not believe in it. I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situat…
As with all communication methods, it just fundamentally works better (or at all) if you're already charismatic. And when you are already there, the form you use for conversation does not matter - all that matters is that the other party feels heard. Sadly, you cannot train charisma.
In situations where you have a gathering of people with very little charisma and they're all trying to not hate each other, it just won't work. Because nothing will work - this is how groups of people are.
That said, I would never say that in a work context. In a work context I would tell two people with a conflict that they cannot solve together to request mediation from someone that I already know is charismatic :)
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#75- Active listening - No judging The active listening you can learn from books (there are good book recommendations here already). No judging is just practice (or if you prefer, practice _suspending judgement_)
Judging is fine. It's input from your brain regarding the patterns of the other person. Judging is important especially because it could be right . You miss out on information if you try to suppress, or ignore it. Not judging isn't really actually natural. What you do with it, THAT's what can create problems. Emotionally immature people who judge and act on that, those are stupid. I don't care if the person next to m…
> There's actually decent [...] nazis
This is literally impossible, you cannot be a decent human when you think others are subhuman because they are coloured a different shade from you. If you're willing to ignore that, that's your prerogative. But don't sell that as "well they're decent humans when you get to know them!" because this is fundamentally impossible.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#76The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…
I've heard of NVC several times here on HN, and whenever I've looked into it I've come away with the following conclusion: This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. But it seems like it would be ineffective and/or annoying to people who are not familiar with it or do not believe in it. I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situat…
> This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it.
Read the book! There's a story of someone using it successfully while someone is literally physically attacking them (and it stops the attack).
> I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situations in which it is more likely to work well? Are there tenets from NVC that work universally, regardless of the disposition of the people involved?
Compassionate listening and communicating your needs clearly are skills that are useful in all situations. NVC is just one nice framework for that.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#77This book helped me learn how to be a better listener, I highly recommend it:
The Lost Art of Listening, by Michael P. Nichols
https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR15002...
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#78My therapist has given me this worksheet, which helped me immensely in my relationships with friends and my wife. https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liber...
Nice! Simple and to the Point!
Anymore you can share?
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#79Thanks for all the amazing responses. I will slowly go over them, use the suggestions and pick a book to read. TY~
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#80I liked Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" a lot. I think the basic idea is on the money: that to connect with other people, we first must identify our own needs, how they are or are not being met, and learn to express those needs in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way.
So, if someone shares something personal and upsetting with you, let's say you feel anxious (which led to your friend feeling anxious): that's ok! you're having a very natural reaction to a stressful stimuli. But instead of betraying that feeling in your face and a shift in tone, instead try to observe it, acknowledge it head-on, and identify its causes, e.g. "when you told me [X],I noticed that I felt anxious, and I think I am looking for some clarity. Would you mind telling me more about [Y]?" That's a simple version, but in general, I found it very helpful for connecting to others.
For a previous HN thread on NVC: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894