Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

My mom just went through surgery and chemo and cancer from last February to about September and luckily made it through, only to have a heart attack this spring, and then luckily made it through that. So I'm grateful and yet it's been a long 1.5 years. One thing I learned is that while there may be a lot of things in common with having someone go through chemo, there also may be a lot that differs, so what I say here may or may not apply to your situation.

In our case, she seemed to do very well with the chemo, all things considered. I had deep fears of how much it would wreck her, and it did take all of her energy for about a week and then she would start to get it back and then get chemo the third week and it'd start again. The hair falling out was a huge identity shock and I think brought some embarrassment/shame—getting a wig seemed to help. We also felt grateful, in a way, that it was happening during covid, because then there wasn't a lot of social pressure to go outside to see other people.

One thing that somewhat came as a surprise: someone having to do all the things in the family that she would normally do. My mom has done a lot of the cooking and cleaning of the house and paid bills and such. When she was bedridden or exhausted for the week, there were a lot of things that needed to get done but not many of us knew how to do them. So, as others have suggested, taking help to get things done or sharing amongst your family to step up and do them can really help keep things going, so that other things don't start falling apart.

The other main thing I noticed was how people in the family may react differently to it, some feeling more afraid, some more angry, some more helpless, some more strong, some more sad, some more empowered, etc. For some reason, I didn't feel too much fear, as I think I believed she would get through it and that most was taken out with the surgery, and I also tend to feel stronger and more focused in crisis situations. Others in my family reacted differently and so I found myself trying to be there for them as well, including people in my extended family for whom I wasn't traditionally the contact person. So, while it may be impacting you and your mother a lot, it may be impacting those in your extended family and even family friends, and not necessarily for you to help them, but just to remember that it's a team effort to try to fill in all the roles, and it's ok to give help and it's ok to receive help in these times.

Lastly, I'm just really grateful you reached out to HN to ask for help on this. I don't know what if anything that I said will help you. I know one of the things that helped me the most when I found out she was diagnosed was crying into my friends arms and him telling me that his dad had also struggled with cancer for many years. I think before that moment, I, for some reason, assumed not that many people had gone through this. After opening up and sharing with him and others, I heard more and more how unfortunately common cancer is. In a way, I realized that I'm not alone in experiencing this and that more people cared about me and my mom than I had ever imagined.

Right here, though with some more experience(been ongoing for a few years now), but relatively similar situation. And to add on top of that, a large portion of the rest of my family has worked actively against me, my mom and my dad for decades and while I was young and naive not to realize it when I was a kid, somehow my parents realized not all that long ago. Luckily I was put on the front line of all that when I was 20-21-22 and I knew exactly how things were eventually going to unfold, and despite me constantly warning my parents about what was eventually going to happen, they simply brushed it off and ignored me. And as per Murphy's law, everything unfolded pretty much in parallel at the exact same time, as well as my dad having several health issues. They were a consequence of his own bad choices to a large degree - severely overweight, smoking, drinking, all that stuff but certainly didn't help the situation. So as you can imagine(though I am perfectly aware it's not helping), I can sympathize and I can sort of give you some tips on how I managed to cope with it. And all things considered, I think I managed it quite well.

* First few days I was completely helpless and had no idea what to do. The first thing to do is regain composure and realize that in such situation, pity, depression and sadness are a luxury you simply cannot afford. It sounds cruel but trust me, this is exactly how it really is. Things are no longer about how you feel but about life and death.

* Yesterday's problems are history - whatever you felt was missing in your life - friendships, relationships, feelings, desires, dreams, vacations and all that are also luxuries you cannot afford. At least in the beginning while you adjust to the situation. Play your cards well and these things will come back eventually. With the first two points, work becomes a necessity, like breathing - you have to do it, whether you feel like it or not.

* Know your friends and your enemies: Who you can count on, and who you should stay away from. Thankfully I learned who they were well in advance and I didn't have to work this one out. Just to give you an idea - my second cousin. His best quality is that he will do everything to his ability to help when you need to. He is in a somewhat similar situation so we have this sort of unspoken and unwritten rule - whoever needs a hand, call, no matter what time it is. Whether that's driving someone to the hospital, carry furniture, go to the pharmacy - whatever it is, call and never ignore incoming calls.

* I know far too well that as a developer, biology may not be your strongest side. That said, I read everything there was to read about this type of cancer I could find - books, articles, papers. Not about trying to cure it yourself, just so you can learn how to spot subtle things that may happen and patients would ignore and won't even remember to tell their doctors. This helped on multiple occasions. In addition make a journal related to that in order to keep track of things, keep notes, changes that happen over time and all that. Hospitals are likely doing it the same but it's never a bad thing to have a copy.

* Whatever spare time you have, you need to have it perfectly organized. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to have as much of your schedule cleared up.

* Last one might be a bit odd but hear me out: watch your own health. Exercise, if you are overweight(like I was), fix this as soon as possible. You can't help someone if you are helpless yourself. While it may seem trivial, the simple philosophy to follow is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Generally a good life philosophy but in your situation it's a necessity before anything else.

As I said, I can sympathize with all this, and while I don't say this often, I have my email in my profile, feel free to hit me up if there's something you'd like to know or simply someone to talk to.

Best of wishes.

I went through a similar situation during the end of my studies while also having a part-time job at the same time.

> It has been really challenging going through the daily tasks at work

Was the same for me. I used to visit her one hour a day. I'd recommend spending time with your mother as it is possible but also making sure you don't neglect your other in-person social life. This can go for months or even years. If there are other family members living close, you should create a Whatsapp group and alternate visits if that is possible. And of course tell your company, they'll understand if your performance is lower than normal.

Lost my mom to cancer back in 2009. She was sick from ~2000 until then.

Some things that help:

If work is demanding, find whatever time you can to communicate with her. Send fun texts. Play a game together online. Whatever. It will help distract both of you. If you can't be with her, call as often as possible and check in to see how she's doing.

Spend time alone to process. Get an AirBnb somewhere remote or take a road trip by yourself. Tell your employer that you need time off and take a zero-f*cks-given attitude about doing it. If they let you go, that's on their soul. Prioritize your sanity and the well-being of your family above everyone and everything else with no remorse. You won't regret it.

Find old photos and if she can, spend time laughing with her and remembering you growing up. I'll always cherish the last Christmas I got to spend with my mom cooking and laughing at how bad I was when I was little.

Don't expect anyone else to "get it" or to care and don't be offended if they misunderstand the situation. Unless they've been through it they have no frame of reference. This helps avoiding the inevitable snap when the psychological pressure becomes too much.

Never hesitate to email if you need to vent/talk: me@ryanglover.net.

There is a chinese movie about how in China people often don't tell cancer patients that they have cancer until it is well too late in order to let them live with as much normality as possible for as long as possible. The operation involves a doctor having a private conversation with a relative, and being complicit in the pretense