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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#71

Post by tndl »

open-paren wrote: post #41

I'm kinda struggling right now. I'm a few months from graduating with a BS in CS, and I'm scared. Not scared about getting a job (I've had a few internships and have a solid handshake return offer from more than one of them) or “the next step” (kids? house?) independently, just the combination of all those things. How do I find a job that's is within a same commute distance, but also affordable? How do I find a job t…

You're gonna be ok. You're starting your career at an awesome time and place for your skillset, and you will only continue to grow in value if you put in a little extra effort to keep learning and keep your skills sharp. Some thoughts:

- Set up a budget, and get into the habit of sticking with it. I just do the bare minimum, writing down (or putting into a spreadsheet) everything I buy with very basic categories: need, want, food. Make sure you give yourself enough 'wants' money, or it'll be harder to stick to. Put the rest in savings/investments, and then don't worry about the next step of house or other big purchases, because you'll be on track to afford them. - Don't worry too much about the specifics of your commute/living space/job right now. Choose whichever one you feel is the best for now, and keep in mind you're not stuck there. You can always leave for a better situation after a year or two. - Caveat to the last point: most employers will work with you in the hiring process. Worried about the commute? Tell them that, ask for a bus pass or an extra day of from-home work. Feel like you should be making a bit more than the offer? Say that. Don't be afraid to negotiate a little bit because doing that will get you much farther ahead in the long run.

Just some unorganized thoughts, but you've got this!

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#72

Post by zamalek »

JaumeGreen wrote: post #40
klenwell wrote: post #11

As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.

What if the stress is mostly from outside the job? Some of it could be "solvable" (better pay, better hours, ...), but some of it may not (family problems, health issues, ...). Is it taken into account or addressed?

One example of solving an unsolvable problem: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Wolpaw#Personal_life

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#73

Post by memetomancer »

I ain't, that's for sure. I recently quit my job (HPC) without another one lined up, due entirely to stress. Something had to give and I decided that if I wasn't able to manage the stress I wasn't fit for the job any more. Kinda snapped, took a week off and spontaneously gave 2 weeks notice on my return. Wasn't really thinking straight.

It's been a few weeks since I split and I'm starting to run out of money, but sadly have been mostly sleeping and am unmotived to dive back into the fray. I did manage to get to the doctor and get some meds, but they are only now starting to kick in and I no longer have insurance to get more.

I think it's probably too late for me but do yerselves a favor and pay attention to stress management and all that wellness talk. This all snuck up on me because I was too immersed in the work.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#74

Post by conjectures »

burntoutfire wrote: post #54
open-paren wrote: post #41

I'm kinda struggling right now. I'm a few months from graduating with a BS in CS, and I'm scared. Not scared about getting a job (I've had a few internships and have a solid handshake return offer from more than one of them) or “the next step” (kids? house?) independently, just the combination of all those things. How do I find a job that's is within a same commute distance, but also affordable? How do I find a job t…

> How on Earth do people afford a house (I mean, $300,000 is more than 3× my expected salary, and where I am, that barely gets you a townhome)? Most young people in the world can't afford a house. They rent apartments or stay with parents until their jobs pay more and they accumulate savings in the meantime - or, alternatively, they shacked themselves with decades of debt and get a mortgage (not everyone is mentally…

> they shacked themselves with decades of debt and get a mortgage

A mortgage is just renting a place from the bank at the market price of when you bought the house + some enforced savings. It's hardly a mill stone compared to renting for the same number of years.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#75

Post by currymj »

Bootwizard wrote: post #46
chrisdhoover wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I use a 1 to 5 scale and every time the respondent turns it into a 1 to 10. I always get 3.5 or 4.5. I dont get it, what is that 1 to 5 is not fine enough?

Are you trying to justify arguing that they're not actually at a high stress level? That doesn't seem very nice. 3.5 and 4.5 are perfectly within 1 to 5 so I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

1-5 with half increments has 9 possible scores which is basically the same as 1-10. I think this is what is meant, not "people say 4.5/5 but nobody is really that stressed, they must be thinking 4.5/10".

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#76

Post by risksorryclue »

No.

I can't do my job without taking adderall, I end up drinking too much to goto sleep, then slacking and falling behind and rushing to get everything finished for a deadline. Then the requirements change with no warning and I'm expected to have had both done.

My Manager and technical lead make development decisions even though they both have zero experience with any part of our stack.

I have a mortgage on a house that I don't take care of, and I work from home so I'm constantly reminded of my personal failures.

Most of my team is outsourced to another country, so I assume the writing is on the wall. But I don't have the energy to start looking for something new. Plus, since I work at home I haven't made as many close connections as I did at previous jobs.

I spend more time being mad at myself for not improving my life than actually trying to improve.

I don't invest any time in my hobbies or with friends. My friends don't even bother inviting me anywhere anymore.

I just placate myself with youtube and comedy waiting until I pay off my mortgage and my kid is self sufficient. Though when that happens I have no plans, or goals, or dreams.

Bleh, it could be worse, I make a very good living, and have a marketable skillset. I'll be fine, but it felt good to have a pity party for a second.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#77

Post by not_a_cop75 »

klenwell wrote: post #11

As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.

You can also take this the other way. If they say 1, you can ask " What can we do to take it up to 3?".

Or if you work for a company that puts life insurance on you to profit from your death: "What can we do to take that to a 6?"

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#78

Post by yuy910616 »

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

I was in a similar situation. Here are my advice: 1. It's just him. Some people are just a-holes. You need to leave. Not all jobs are like that, not all bosses are like that. Abuse is abuse. 2. When I was in your situation, I focus all of my energy to learning a new skill. It's as if I used all that I hate about this job to motivate myself in learning something new. It worked.

Best of luck

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#79

Post by sidcool »

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

I feel sorry for you. I wish I could help you. Do speak to someone if suicidal thoughts persist. Feel free to DM me.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#80

Post by piva00 »

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

Start interviewing, I know that this is very often thrown around here and in other communities but absolutely NONE of this behaviour should be acceptable in any kind of professional environment.

You know you are being severely underpaid (I'm assuming you are from the US even though I'm not) so finding a place paying the same or a little better just to get away from this fucking horrible situation is worth every single second of effort.

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