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Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#71

Post by bencbernstein »

ZenoArrow wrote: post #25
bencbernstein wrote: post #4

I don't think you can stop comparing yourself to others, and you shouldn't try to. It's a good thing to do. What you should try to do is realize you are you, and you have the opportunity every second to be creative and additive rather than competitive or detrimental to the world. That is amazingly valuable :)

> "It's a good thing to do." Can you explain why?

I guess what I really mean is that I think it is good to critically and emotionally analyze others' lives ... try to understand what's led them to where they are and how they feel.

I've had to work hard at this, and maybe it takes a fundamental belief in the value of everyone, but whenever I find something positive in others, it doesn't make me feel upset or stressed... I'm just inspired and want to learn.

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#72

Post by askafriend »

cperciva wrote: post #28

The multiplicity of casual friendships online has led to an interesting new phenomenon: Because people preferentially broadcast their successes, we tend to get the feeling that everybody else is more successful than ourselves. I don't think you can avoid comparing yourself to others; what you can do is try to keep in mind that life is a mix of good and bad, and even if all you manage to do is avoid the worst of the b…

I really appreciate you opening up like that. The world is a more beautiful place when people do.

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#73

Post by bobbyhooper »

Wow, wow, wow! You hit a gold mine of advice with that question... I agree with all these comments. I hope you can see the trend in most of these comments. It's just too easy to say, "Don't compare yourself to others, it's a waste of time!"- though true... It's easier said than done. I found for me, the moments when I was happiest, balanced & free from all those negative thoughts about myself and where I stood compared to others- is when I focused on me. The best version of yourself has nothing to do with anyone else. I saw a therapist for 2 and a half years. The first year was twice a week. After putting in that much time with figuring out why I felt the way I did about myself, it changed everything. Your emotional intelligence, your soul is not always an easy thing to navigate, but that work is incredibly rewarding. As others have said, you're the only one that can do it. What I'm trying to say most is, begin. May you find a balance in your humanity - be it physical, mentally, & spiritually. And may you find that the compelling question is not how you compare to others or what they may think of you, but rather how you think of yourself. Are you who YOU want to be? If not, begin. You got this ;-) Big things will happen- it's safe to say that they take time.

Oh! and enjoy the ride!! Fuck- Nobody really knows for sure if we get another go at it.

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#74

Post by troydavis »

Find a goal or even a yardstick that's more meaningful to you than to anyone else. Ideally, also find a path to it that's uniquely appealing to you.

It's way harder to think about what you want than to hop on to society's defaults (schools, work prestige, wealth, looks, ..). http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html touches on this ("if you admire two kinds of work equally, [choose the less prestigious]").

When no one else is trying to accomplish the same thing in the same way, only absolute measurements matter: how close did you get? How much did you enjoy the ride?

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#75

Post by vaughngh »

cperciva wrote: post #28

The multiplicity of casual friendships online has led to an interesting new phenomenon: Because people preferentially broadcast their successes, we tend to get the feeling that everybody else is more successful than ourselves. I don't think you can avoid comparing yourself to others; what you can do is try to keep in mind that life is a mix of good and bad, and even if all you manage to do is avoid the worst of the b…

I've become accustomed to online anonymity, it's pleasant to hear some vulnerability for once. Thanks for sharing.

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#77

Post by [deleted] »

cperciva wrote: post #28

The multiplicity of casual friendships online has led to an interesting new phenomenon: Because people preferentially broadcast their successes, we tend to get the feeling that everybody else is more successful than ourselves. I don't think you can avoid comparing yourself to others; what you can do is try to keep in mind that life is a mix of good and bad, and even if all you manage to do is avoid the worst of the b…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#78

Post by enginnr »

I would liken the whole process of 'success' as nothing more than the acquisition of accolades. If you peek beyond the veil of most institutions (financial or otherwise), there is the fabled trophy you must acquire at the end. This trophy can be anything, and the institutions are always careful to suppose "It's not about the trophy", but secretly it is.

Money is a trophy. Marriage is a trophy. Dissolve the trophy and focus on what you need instead of what you want. Most of what a person needs is fairly rudimentary and easy to attain. Be careful with validation (a basic need) because it's usually sought in the most egregious places

Re: Ask HN: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

#79

Post by d43594 »

Do things you are interested in, and that you can commit yourself to spending time on consistently. Dropping things you've started without making the conscious decision to do so will foster a sense of underachievement. Accept that Rome wasn't built in a day and start small. Build yourself up gradually. Use your small successes to build momentum. Accept that you cannot change the past, instead try to guide the future. Invest the time in doing a personal development plan. Even if you don't use it, the simple act of doing it will help to give you some direction and make you appreciate what it is you really want. You can then set about making steps in that direction. Be wary of sacrifices you choose to make, particularly concerning people. Choosing to learn language X instead of language Y is easy to solve when you change your mind, but convincing the person you love to take you back after you chose your career over them is likely to be much much harder.
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