Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

I don't see why psychotherapy should be reserved for fairly edge cases. On the opposite, I think that mental health is even more widely applicable than physical health.

I'm 40 right now and just started my first real career-type job this year. At 39 I was still a co-op student. It's honestly fine. The world is changing and it's way more common for "adult learners" to be part of the co-op, intern, and new hire cohorts. Most of the older ones are admittedly in their 30s, but I knew a guy that was starting over in his 50s and it was fine.

That's not to say getting a career will stop you from having miserable thoughts. I'm not sure why it's the case, but some people are just more miserable than others. I fantasized deeply about blowing my brains out all morning, for example, just because I had double-booked two clients in the morning and didn't know how I was going to handle it--luckily one of them cancelled, so I'll live to see another day.

In other words, a career might not solve all your problems. Many people here have suggested therapy, and though I don't personally believe in therapy as I think it's a way to enforce compliance to an increasingly dysfunctional society, it's probably the right advice for both you and also me.

Therapy aside, I would like to give you advice about how to salvage your resume after more than a decade out of the workforce.

The key to this is community colleges that have work placements. Here in Canada, those are called co-ops and they are a really good deal. If you do everything right, and get all the bursaries available, you'll likely make a small profit on your college career, rather than lose money--but that's in Canada, and it could be different in other countries.

The great thing about co-ops is that they put applicable experience on your resume where you had none before(1). And if you need more, many community colleges also have additional year-long certificates co-ops (in Canada they are called graduate certificates) that can give you even more applicable work experience.

After just two years and 3 co-ops, all my NEETING days had finally disappeared and my resume now looks stacked.

Something that is important, however, is you pick something that actually has jobs. That narrows down your choices quite a bit, and it's mostly going to be IT related, but it could also be trade related, like a line man or even getting your CDL (commercial truck drivers license).

I would even suggest not going into IT, if your battling with your own mind, as it requires a lot of mental fortitude to consider systems and code and humans not doing what you thought they would do--that's a big trigger for the miserable among us, I suspect.

I would actually suggest lineman instead. Think of the freedom and the fresh air and the lack of clients. It's not such a bad future, once you dig into it. And please don't do anything stupid. There's still lots of life to live.

1--It's also a different hiring process than finding a regular job, and it's understood that you don't yet have experience when you talk with potential employers.

> > There are many other troubling issues with this practice.

> Which? Serious question!

Ok, well, the thing is, I'm not an expert in psychology/psychotherapy, so you shouldn't trust me.

But if you'd like to find out more, here are some avenues that I suggest you dig into. They are based on conversations I had with a psychologist that I know but it's been many years and therefore I could be wrong about almost all (if not all) of this (or at least, misremembering):

1. If I remember correctly, psychoanalysis encourages a long form of therapy in a way that may not be in the best interests of the client. It is fine to have long therapies when needed, but it is not OK to extend a therapy longer than it is necessary to deal with the demands of the client and/or any other relevant and substantial issues that might come up during therapy.

Many would argue that psychotherapy should be about dealing with the issues at hand and what's preventing you from achieving your goals, in an efficient and practical way, not going on and on infinitely about exploring your infancy and your past while the weeks, months and years go by and the dollars fly away from your wallet to the therapist's wallet.

2. Psychoanalysis may also encourage finding (some would argue manufacturing) "issues" and "traumas" that have nothing to do with the problems that the client was having and may only serve to cause additional and unnecessary emotional suffering, besides all the problems that the client was already having when he decided to go into therapy. In extreme cases, this may even lead to implanting false memories of traumas.

3. Psychoanalysts may also tend to (inadvertently or "advertently") inflict and/or encourage emotional dependence between the client and the therapist, in a way that is not healthy, desirable nor in the best interests of the client.

4. The above issues may all feed into and magnify each other.

I am sure there were more issues that I've discussed, but I simply can't remember.

Note that I'm not saying that all psychoanalyst practitioners fall into the above traps, or that practitioners of other forms of psychotherapy don't, I'm only suggesting that psychoanalysis is more prone to the above issues than other forms of psychotherapy that are usually considered more scientific (like CBT).

And once again, please take all of the above with a huge grain of salt and don't trust me. I'm not an expert and I could be completely wrong and/or misremembering the above issues. So I encourage you to do your own research.

First, sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my mother at 24, so have experience there and it is very hard.

This will sound cliché, so forgive me, but do you exercise regularly? Speaking from personal experience, when I feel some anxiety and depression coming on, exercise really helps. Sunlight (when I can get it) and exercise, particularly lifting weights, help me with my mood and confidence as well. Going to the gym may be fruitful in presenting just the social interaction you need too.

To answer your question from my perspective, you are NOT too old to turn things around and the best of your life could really be in front of you. If you are still interested in having children and family, that's not totally off the table either. My dear friend who is 47 just had his first children (twins) 4 years ago. I see a lot of people having kids and family later than the conventional 20's and 30's and seems to be working just fine!

I really think you should do these 5 things:

1. Talk to someone. A relative, friend, or therapist (there are online options if you can't get to something local). 2. Exercise regularly. Do something hard every day. I'm amazed at how well that helps my mood. I'm sick at the moment and haven't been able to in the last few days and can totally feel a massive difference. 3. Get back into that old hobby or find a new one. Put yourself out there and don't be afraid to try something new that you've put on the back burner. 4. Volunteer to serve somewhere. Go help out a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, animal shelter, etc. 5. Speaking of animals, get an animal if you can. Taking care of another living creature can help take the focus off of you.

Hope none of this sounds preachy. I really wish you the best and hope you find what makes you happy and content!

For context: I'm 46.

Psychologists are just humans, it’s true, and so they can be just as fallible as anyone. A good priest may also be helpful but for the non-religious they won’t have the essential shared values. By impartial I mean that they are at a remove from your day to day life, and are at least trained in how to ethically counsel someone.