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Whatever you do, don't learn to cope with being alone. I did, and it was my biggest mistake.
Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?
If anyone feels like chatting (about anything, really), I'm "theshawwn" on Snapchat. If you email me (shawnpresser@gmail.com) I'll happily send you my number for texting / Signal. Any other app is fine too if you send me your info. I'll respond to everyone; I like hearing about your life, so feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, or just say hello.
You're all so kind. I grew up on HN (I think I was 19 when it first launched as Startup News) and the community never fails to amaze. Thank you for taking the time to try to help. I owe you all.
Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.
There are 3 aspects to the issue you need to tackle:
# existential, deep
What you need to do is to get a glorious vision of 1- who you are and 2- what you are doing, aka. the plan.
Examples:
1- I am a scientist, 2- I'm getting a phd to then change the world with my research.
1- I am a father/husband, 2- I am raising a happy family.
1- I am a skinny/fat guy who will have an impressive transformation to bodybuilder, 2- I am targeting to raise my lean body mass by 2kg/year.
1- I am a guy with troubled emotions that feel like hell, who will overcome his suffering and find happiness, 2- I am becoming a buddist monk.
# physiological, shallow
Your negative emotions will be a burden in your journey to glory.
You need to feel comfortable being alone. You need to be able to be alone without intense negative emotions about it. It is like getting used to feeling cold/hot, hunger. Like adapting very hot sauna or marathons. You need to physiologically adapt to solitude.
The root solution will be what I explained before. Short-term, it would be good to have a break and to restart fresh (next time recognizing you didn't do it well the 1st time with your games, and that you need to work on a glorious plan). Options to get a break:
- move back with your parents for 1-2 years
- go to some cheap and nice destination and live in hostels, shared room. Change hostels every few weeks. Chat with guests. Just having a 'good morning' goes a long way.
# practical solution
While you have to adapt to solitude, you can also work on getting relationships. In order to do this:
- go out and talk to people physically (Internet doesn't count). You can actually go to a stranger on a park/mall and talk. Try it. Also explore bars, courses, events. When you go to those, you have to talk to people, you get 1 point for each person you talk to, otherwise 0 points.
- make a list of people you have known and see if you can get back in touch and deepen the relationship. Include in the list people you currently have some relationship with. Yes, even the cashier that always gives you a good smile when he says: 'debit or credit?'. You can deepen the relationship over several days in this sequence: polite smiles -> trivial chit-chat -> personal talk -> invitation to hang out.
Definitely avoid any social media, youtube, etc. I'd suggest to limit your screen usage to just your work-life. You do not want to compare yourself with people who are not in your position. Spending time on the internet is not fulfulling.
Once you have a healthy daily routine down (which you might have already), a lifehack is to challenge yourself to get good at something that you would never have imagined yourself doing. The idea is that you will fill your head with thoughts about how to improve, rather than thinking about other things which might be too much to process right now. This is why the "start lifting" suggestions work. You don't have to lift, but simply set some random goal. Avoid trying to achieve some big ambition that you've always had.
Once you're on this path, with time you will recalibrate. It seems you are a social person and I bet you will find other people to connect with.
From my own experience, switching from a remote job to an in-office job helped when I felt too isolated. The job market is tough (from what I've heard), so you can check if you could join a coworking space or simply go to the local library to work. I've had friends that are happy to just work together in the same space.
The point of my response is not to tell you "how to be alone", but helpful advice if you want to make changes to your life, if you are unsatisfied with it. If you are unhappy, you could fill all your time thinking about how unhappy you are. It's not helpful, though. For now, find ways to fill your time, and while you do that, I truly believe you will find your footing again.
> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry…
My added 2 cents is to write in a journal and also to read it.
If it helps, be meta and write about what you would want to look forward to read in your own journal, what kind of writing makes you keep going back reading it.
Certainly, an awesome evergreen entry is your reflection on a previous entry.
Just like material on how to blog, there are self-help books on how to journal well.
Solitude doesn't have to be a curse if we learn how to treat it as a blessing.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?
Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of becoming an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.
But this is a psychological trick. You "just" have to find your adaptation strategy and a way to move on.
I'd also suggest to see someone. Simply to talk it out and find those things in the process.
First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.
Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.
Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.
Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.
HTH