Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

With no existing social network in place, they'd need to put some thought into working out how not to just end up as a solo drunk.

Personally, I'd recommend organised wine or whisky tastings - or perhaps their college has a cheese & wine society?

I do not know your interests, but if you like bicycling, I would look into a joining a recreational cycling club and ride with them. These tend to be low key events and you can make friends there.

I'm not sure what help my "advice" is going to be so I'll start with a little context.

I'm near 50 and have basically zero friends. I have colleagues and acquaintances who I get along with. I'm also married with children. I always found it hard to make and keep friends.

I was badly bullied at school and felt worthless and didn't have the confidence at that time to make friends, though I couldn't see it, but I really wanted to, I just didn't know how. At the time I was lonely and depressed. I joined the military just before I was your age and had buddies until I left and it was the military that sorted me out.

With the benefit of age and lack of hormones I've come to accept that I have no friends for reasons. It doesn't bother me anymore. I've also realised I'm not a good friend, I make no effort, I'm not really interested in other people and find their problems annoying. I'm difficult and I don't really like people. And I like my own company.

Do I worry about loneliness? No, but I often wonder if I didn't have my family would I get lonely... I don't know. All I know is that at the moment I'm not and I don't think I will be. But change is constant.

All this is to say that you're young, it's likely not as bad as you think it is right now (I don't say this to lessen what you feel), and you will get passed this. Just be yourself, do what interests you and make the effort, even if it's not reciprocated. There's no shame in making unappreciated effort. Move on and don't over-think shit. Eventually it'll come.

As long as you are obsessed with this - you'll perpetuate the problem. The more needy you are and craving for attention the more unattractive and uninteresting you look as a person.

The only solution for these types of problems (aside of usual phychotherapy/physiology that you need to rule out first with help of professionals!) - is to genuinely stop giving a single damn whether you're alone or not.

Right after that moment you will become much much more attractive as a person. And you will release a ton of energy to focus on things that are more important (like your life goals etc).

But you can't fool yourself and pretend that you don't care while still being worried about the outcomes inside. It's not "fake it till you make it" type of inner game.

That is a key to your problem (after you solved main mommy/daddy issues if any with a decent therapist).

No amount of shallow "be yourself, be interested in others" advice will help until you have a foundation to be congruent in these tactical actions. But if you have that foundation that type of advice is mostly redundant.

I like to think of the set of all people you'll ever meet as a cloud of points, where the centre of the cloud is the most average person who'll ever cross your path, and the more exotic and interesting you get, the further away from the centre you sit. A really unusual person is going to be way out on the fringes, without many nearby points, and finding those points - the people who get them - is going to take time. If you're one of those people then it's going to suck, especially in the beginning. But as time passes and you start to accumulate those rare relationships where things feel like they click, you'll probably be glad of it. The people you find will almost invariably be interesting weirdos, and enriching to be around in a way that people from the centre tend not to be. And on top of that, my experience has been that they appreciate the value of a good friend.

Follow your interests and your values, be patient, and eventually you'll find into your people.