Listen to your emotions. Don’t attach a word to what you are feeling immediately. Process.
Once you’ve processes, ask yourself if your body language reflects what you desire.
Then try to form words.
Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
61–70 of 71 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#62I second non-violent communication and the dale Carnegie one. I wish I could live by them.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#63Earlier quoted context omitted.
Counterpoint: I've only been to two therapists (via word of mouth) and they were both far more helpful than HTWF&IP and NVC, even despite how highly awesome those books are, and everyone should read them repeatedly. They asked me intelligent questions designed to help me come to my own conclusions through reasoning, and they provided me with actionable activities for growth.
Maybe I need better therapists, then! Wish there was a good way to identify the good ones... that goes for all healthcare, actually. It always seems like such a gamble.
It is. I think I lucked out because I found mine through recommended word of mouth. It's definitely a matter of personality fit, though.
My life has been pretty successful, and my mental health has generally been pretty good[1] in my adult years, but one therapist, in particular was super, super instrumental in getting me to both learn about myself and reframe things.
1. No depression or other significant disorders. Most I get these days is the blues.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#64I can't recommend "How to Know A Person" by David Brooks enough.
It's for us introverted nerds, by a fellow introverted nerd. A manual on how to become unblocked.
For a broad overview, though, the secret sauce is to learn to listen to people closely and make them feel heard. I think 90% of the battle is learning how to deeply listen and showing that you are indeed listening closely.
Again, everyone should get this book. Completely clear, no nonsense, actionable advice.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#65The more cringe you can bear the faster you can improve.
Record yourself saying stuff and play it back to yourself, and then imagine saying it in a normal conversation. Does it mesh with the context, does it seem fitting. Is your vocal tone or cadence upsetting or reassuring? Compare it with the way known charismatic/comforting people speak.
Generally emotional intelligence is putting yourself in other people's heads and understanding the way they'll react to circumstances and the things you say and do. It's also understanding that people vary, and mental states vary, so the way you approach any interaction has to factor these things in.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#66If you know the issue, you need to work on yourself. If you make others feel bad and you are aware of it, this looks like narcissism to me.
Get a therapist and work with them on whatever you want to improve.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#67Others here have already made good suggestions for books that focus more specifically on communication...which is what you were asking about. I wanted to share a book suggestion I found helpful regarding emotional intelligence (or emotional maturity) in general. The School of Life
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#68Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#69Read more good fiction.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#70There is no such thing as emotional intelligence. What people mean when they use this term is "be nice to me, I am a snowflake"