Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

Having one kid is actually pretty easy. There are two of you, one of them. One of you is always resting at any given time.

When you have two kids it's a big change. If you're sharing responsibilities equally, now you're putting one of them to bed every night. And you're with at least one of them all the time, and if you're not, the other is handling both (harder on them).

And with two kids you're starting to see inter-child conflict, so it's not just managing two separate kids, but also their interactions.

In the long run having two kids can be beneficial because eventually they start entertaining each other. Currently, my boys are around 2 and 4, and things are starting to settle / they play with each other. If you just have the one, one of you is always going to need to be with them.

If you have three kids it's pretty intense. If you have four.. don't have four unless you fully understand what you're getting into.

1. Get them onto a regular sleep schedule as soon as possible. Use whatever methods you prefer. Sleep deprivation will literally destroy your (mom and dad) physical and mental health.

2. Stock on baby supply, diapers, baby wipe, formula, bottles, nipples, breast milk bags, etc.. That's not something you want just-in-time supply chain. You don't want to be out looking for the right size diaper at night when you haven't slept in 2 days.

3. Unless you have a massive support system, your life will be on hold for a little bit. Finding a good nanny takes time and a lot of luck. If you or your wife become stay-at-home parent, that just means the working person now has two jobs, regular 9-5 AND provide relief to the other. Accept it and embrace it.

4. There will be negative feelings, anger, resentment, whatever. Talk it out, or get therapy. Don't bottle up. Post-partum depression is real for moms. Dads need help too.

5. Carve out time for the other parent to relax.

Good luck!

1. Prepare to be exhausted for a long time (about 2 years) - you can't do much about it, this is just the way it is. After 18 months it will get better.

2. Support your partner as much as possible - she's proably even more exhausted and keep watching the emotions (postpartum depression is underestimated)

3. Try to involve the grandparents to help you as much as they can, if possible.

4. Don't force your child too sleep or try to apply techniques that sound weird (like leaving your child crying until it sleeps or put it into another room). This is not the right way... some children do sleep well and some don't. Hope for the best and take care as much as possible.

5. Hold your child as much as possible, skin to skin. It will improve the relationship. Best case cuddle together with every member of the family.

6. Listen to your heart. If something doesn't feel right (even if everybody is telling you to do so), it's probably wrong.

7. If it's possible, breastfeeding is the best a child can get. Don't force the child into stopping after 6 months... just keep going as long as you (or your partner can).

7b. Later, try to cook healthy (oat flakes, vegetables, a few fruits) - as little sugar as possible.

8. Prevent stress wherever you can. Cook more than one meal at a time, organise your day to have breaks.

9. Spend time with your family. Work may be fulfilling, but you can never go back in time to see your child grow up. Try to get some time with your partner alone - this is more important than you may notice.

10. Don't be to hard to yourself. There will be times you can't follow all these rules. You will be angry, scream, argue, etc. It's ok as long as it is not too much.

If you prefer working with humans -- e.g. you had/ve a lot of (girl) friends; you prefer late drinks parties instead of drilling deep into some esoteric computer problem; you are not super intrigued by topics such as compiler design, operating system and such -- then you shouldn't have a lot of problems. After all the baby is just one of the humans you are going to interact.

If you prefer working with computers, well, let me say that judging from my own experience it's going to be a huge challenge to you -- so challenging that this is probably the biggest challenge unless World War 3 happens -- it has been that bad for me. I'm going to focus on the mental shock and preparations for the negatives. The others are easy, and you probably don't want me to repeat the up sides.

If you don't know which type you are -- try to figure out if you are REALLY REALLY excited about being a father. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY excited, like getting a new life. If not, you are going to need the following information nevertheless. In my case, I actually didn't feel anything when the baby was born. No positive or negative feeling, nothing at all. Maybe I'm a weirdo.

Babies are the opposite pole of computers. It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity! Or remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop! In the best case, babies are black boxes that you can poke with some input and all kinds of output fall out. In the worst case, they output regardless whether you poke them or not.

Where should I start? Ah yes -- first, you are going to lose a lot of sleep, perhaps forever. But I guess you already know that, so I'll skip it. Just remember -- however mentally prepared, you won't get use to it in the first month. But however bad you feel, you are going to get used to it after 6-12 months.

Secondly, you are going to lose a lot of free time, again perhaps for a long long time. This is way more serious than losing sleep, if you prefer work with computers. This basically means you are NOT going to have much refresh after work. You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer. The situation will gradually improve when they reach age of X -- X depends on your parenting style -- for me it was past 3 but I still don't think it's enough. I'm hoping to get most of my free time back when they reach middle school and start to resent me.

By losing a lot of time, you also lose hobbies and work. This is less for the father than the mother, who is usually the central figure of parenting for the first few years. Nevertheless it still hits the father too. You are basically stuck to one place, one career path and even one position -- and you definitely won't want to lose your job! By having a baby, you are turning yourself into a better clog of the machine that is called society.

The natural, scientific conclusion of the above is depression. I actually recommend book a few sessions with a therapist right now -- because I know you probably going to be depressed. You can't fight it alone. You are going to do bad things if you let it take you. Best case, you recover naturally in a couple of years when you get used to the situation. Worst case, well I don't know what is the worst case but you can imagine. I was lucky to recover without a therapist, but I still explode to anger occasionally for whatever reason.

What is worse is that people, including your wife and your parents, are not going to understand you. Your wife is most likely bathing in the excitement of being a mother, and your parents are probably excited about the continuation of their genes and one more toy to play with. It's a taboo to admit that you don't enjoy your parenting life, and it's almost a crime to admit that sometimes you hate it and want to leave it behind forever. You are alone in this. Actually -- ironically, only the baby is on your side as he/she loves you without a condition.

Good luck.