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Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

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Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#61

Post by solardev »

randomopining wrote: post #58
solardev wrote: post #55

I say this with sincerity, not judgment: You (presumably) made a choice to start a family and be a homeowner. Why not embrace it? You can always yearn for another life, but if you pursue it, that usually means giving up on family and and home time. Is that worth it in your heart? I knew a few older men who focused on their careers and personal aspirations more than their families, and it didn't turn out well for the…

39 isn't old haha. Maybe for the hostel circuit but not much else.

Tell that to my joints!

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#62

Post by silverisgood »

Lot of good points in this section. I had to recently spend a lot of time with myself. Like a looooot. And once I ran out of various kinds of intoxicants, distractions and emotions, I finally had to learn the art of having fun without external input. Just having fun by myself. It sounds extremely easy but it is one of the harder things I've had to do in my life. There’s something to notice there - there’s so much external input now that it is difficult to find things that you enjoy intrinsically.

I've noticed this in myself - if you have intrinsic feelings of excitement and enjoyment, then you just have a lot more to add when you’re around other people. You emit more excitement, and originality.

But this is supplementary - consciously seeking out the right communities that energize you is paramount.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#63

Post by pr07ecH70r »

I am 38 and more or less in the same shoes, but strangely, I don’t feel like this. Maybe what helps is setting goals. True, I spend mostly time at work and with my family, but for example I have a small goal of making a microcontroller-driven toy for my younger son (I am an electronics engineer). So every day I spend time working on it. I also have time left for reading my fantasy books and even spend time with my wife. On the rare occasions when I/we meet new people I avoid talking about work. I try everyday stuff (boring or not, boring is just a social construct) and/or books. If it doesn’t work, I don’t give a dime if the person found me boring or not. :) Maybe this comes with the years. When I were single and without too many obligations, the only different thing from now was that I was traveling and hiking a lot. Now with the family we try at least 1 time in every 2-3 months. This really recharges my batteries and removes the social anxieties.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#64

Post by ghostninja »

I'm 38 and I understand this feeling. I'm a software engineer with a wife and kid (age 6) and a lot of my time is spent with them (and happily, too).

I'm with you, I also don't watch much TV (I usually just watch some youtube clips) and I haven't touched a video game in a long while. I don't really like sports either (I like playing them, though) so when I get into talks with other guys, once they got onto sports I can't really contribute (but it doesn't bother me).

Like another person mentioned, I would also recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence people. It's a great resource to learn how to engage in conversation with people even when you think you have nothing to discuss. For the other person, if you can get them to talk about themselves, it won't really matter if you're "boring" because they'll think you're charming and want to engage with you. Another great resource is The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy (particularly helpful if you find yourself socially awkward).

Since I don't have too much time outside of work/family, one thing I've done is learned how to be a better cook. And over the years, I've learned different dishes, how to cook steaks _really_ well, breakfasts (I make a killer French toast), etc. Eventually I started inviting other families over for dinner and I would cook for them - so this became my hobby that people knew about (and who doesn't like a tasty free meal?).

I got so into it and good at it that recently, I had some friends of mine ask me to cook them a Thanksgiving turkey for their New Year's party, which I was honored to do. There were guests at the party that I didn't know, and when they tried the turkey, they liked it and then started asking me about how I did it, what were the ingredients, etc. (I became "interesting," so to say).

My bigger point is that if you find something that you can do that others will appreciate (i.e. cooking, tutoring junior devs, getting really good a finances and helping others with theirs, etc.), you will naturally fall into a hobby that others will enjoy and appreciate you for (and therefore, will find you interesting).

> How do I find the time?

Start small, test iteratively, fail early, refactor. Much like coding :)

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#65

Post by airbreather »

cafard wrote: post #11

With kids of 3 and 7 I have to think that you have plenty to occupy you. Your kids school or extra-curricular activities will probably get you new acquaintances soon. (We are in touch still with some people we met through our son's school or school activities, and he is older than you are.) You could try volunteer activities I suppose. And let me also say that 33 is hardly even "getting middle aged".

yes but you also need to maintain/prepare for a time when the children won't need you so much. Mine are 16 and 19 but still need significant time.

But you don't to all of a sudden realize they are off on their own life, and they were your primary, or even only, focus.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#66

Post by gardenhedge »

blueChude wrote: post #38

I am 23, just getting started with the corporate/working world. The way you describe yourself sounds a bit like my Dad. He was a software engineer. So am I. I remember growing up and occasionally getting frustrated with his lack of interests and hobbies (past a certain point), especially when he started developing major chronic illnesses and we stopped going on as many weekend trips. I lost him 2 years ago. This comm…

OP isn't trying to be less boring to his kids though.. he's trying to be less boring to new people

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#67

Post by gardenhedge »

Kon-Peki wrote: post #15
bell-cot wrote: post #5

Coaching your kids' sports teams is a pretty mainstream social activity for a father of young kids. By age 7, my dad was involving me at least a bit in home repair & home improvement projects. BTW - are you regularly reading to your kids? That also checks a lot of your boxes.

You don't have to even coach. Just go to the practices/games. My daughter plays hockey. The boring parents sit in the workspace area, on their computers, doing work. The rest hang out in the bar area that looks out over the ice chatting, playing (non-gambling) card games, etc. Hardly anyone has anything "interesting" going on, or if they did they aren't talking about it. Who cares, it's fine.

It sounds like you care though - you've called other parents (the ones not in your group) boring.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#68

Post by tomcam »

blueChude wrote: post #38

I am 23, just getting started with the corporate/working world. The way you describe yourself sounds a bit like my Dad. He was a software engineer. So am I. I remember growing up and occasionally getting frustrated with his lack of interests and hobbies (past a certain point), especially when he started developing major chronic illnesses and we stopped going on as many weekend trips. I lost him 2 years ago. This comm…

That was moving and lovely. Your father was a fortunate man.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#69

Post by bilsbie »

solardev wrote: post #56
tanseydavid wrote: post #53

>> When I meet new people, I realize I don't have much to say because nobody cares about my work or my family or my books (nor should they, necessarily). I recommend reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. The book won't remedy all of the problems you list, but it should help you to recognize the power which comes from getting people to talk about themselves -- which they love to do. When…

This book changed my life for the better, and allowed me to form lasting relationships I otherwise wouldn't have had. It's not mutually exclusive with developing personal hobbies and passions though. It's really cool when you meet someone who shares them because they also put in the time and effort to develop it on their own. Both types of interactions are wonderful and they complement each other well, IMO. If you ca…

I overdid it with that book and I ask too many questions and listen too much. People come away from conversations not knowing a single thing about me.

Re: Ask HN: Getting old and boring – What can I do about it?

#70

Post by solardev »

bilsbie wrote: post #69
solardev wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This book changed my life for the better, and allowed me to form lasting relationships I otherwise wouldn't have had. It's not mutually exclusive with developing personal hobbies and passions though. It's really cool when you meet someone who shares them because they also put in the time and effort to develop it on their own. Both types of interactions are wonderful and they complement each other well, IMO. If you ca…

I overdid it with that book and I ask too many questions and listen too much. People come away from conversations not knowing a single thing about me.

Yeah, it's possible to be too "robotic" with that strategy. I think one of the main themes of the book is sincerity, though, like finding something truly interesting about the other person that you can relate with, respect, or like. From there it opens up avenues for sharing about yourself too, and hopefully the reciprocity breeds more openness and closeness?

Also, some people are just talkers who will go on and on about their lives and never ask or care about yours, lol. They're best in small doses :)

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