7 years ago I started a startup. I must have burned out at least 4 times each of those years. Several of those burnouts were severe enough to result in trauma, and each time the negative cognitive impact increased to the point I hit some kind of permanent life burnout.
Just like you describe, I was on a rapid decline: major fatigue, fog, indecisiveness, blanking, low confidence, poor social interaction, etc. I tried picking myself up, but it was always short lived: taking a break from work, meditation, exercise routines, self help, etc. The moment a bit of pressure came back at work, I’d crumble.
I have been operating in this ‘limp mode’ for about 3 years - doing what I can to help keep my business afloat (and vice-versa).
After a massive burnout episode (thanks covid), I sought help: antidepressants, counselling, and eventually a bipolar diagnosis (which I guess explains the preceding destructive burnout pattern).
Resent started creeping in - I used to be creative and energetic, and eager to solve problems. Now I felt like an imposter in the business I created; redundant and useless. People started treating me like a basket case - telling me “not to worry about doing this”, or “we can take care of that”. I don’t blame them.
The bipolar medication didn’t really help - a band-aid at best. It flattened by highs and kept me out of most deep lows. I was essentially told this is how it’d be for the rest of my life: on pills, treading carefully, avoiding stress, and accepting my new mundane existence.
I haven’t even mentioned the effect all this has had on my family. My son was born the day I quit my job to startup. All he’s ever know is an irritable and mostly depressed dad. I’m so fortunate that my partner is resilient and held us all together over the years.
Anyway, that’s the context to how I ended up in a similar situation to you. Never underestimate the seemingly permanent and cumulative damage to your mental health and personality as a result of sustained stress, burnout, and depression.
Recently I have been going down various rabbit holes looking for possible ways out of this hell. The most recent one, and by far the most effective, has been (would you believe) diet.
During my period of resent/bitterness, I began to abuse and self sabotage. Over eating, poor diet, alcohol, vaping, actively suppressing desire for exercise, activity, and social interaction. I was sapped of all motivation and energy: Working part time, sleeping in the early afternoon, useless around home.
One evening after excessive drinking and binge eating on fast food, I could see the downward spiral I was on - and it felt like I was getting close to some horrible low: hatred and destructive behaviour.
I am lucky to have a couple of good drinking buddies (who both facilitated my bad health, but also well and truly understood the challenges of mental health). One of them shared a podcast episode by Tim Ferris [https://tim.blog/2022/11/12/chris-palmer-transcript/amp/].
Often in times of heavy fatigue and fog, I’d think “this is way more a physical condition than it is a mental one: what if one is feeding into the other?” Not a new idea, but after listening to this podcast, a two key things resonated:
1) If I could get my energy levels up through some mitochondria / metabolic hack, I could function and begin to get other parts of my life back in order, thus starting a positive feedback loop.
2) Specific to me, and maybe others - the interview mentioned that a keto style diet was used to treat kids with epilepsy. My primary bipolar medication was developed for epilepsy, and the interview references some bipolar studies.
I can report that the keto diet I have prescribed myself is working exceptionally well. 36g of carbs. My energy has improved dramatically - I function fully from 6am-11pm with no fatigue; I almost have my former mental clarity and cognition restored.
With increased energy, I’m waay more physically active, and more likely to exercise. This helps improve my mood, and the positive feedback loop is reinforced. I literally feel a force compelling me to move forward - I have not had that for years.
My experience and current situation could be miles apart from yours, but I believe the key is to find something to break the cycle: slot ut in and create positive feedback loop, that begins to spin up a flywheel. This will allow you to rediscover more things that get the wheel spinning faster and make it harder to slow it down when adversity arrives. (Flywheel analogy from some other podcast, credit to whoever that was).
My chain breaker has been to take carbohydrates out of my diet, and use ketosis as an alternative metabolic state that has given me the energy to sort my shit out. It’s early days, and hey things could turn sour - but I’ve had a taste of my previous normality that I had nearly forgotten, and this puts it within arms reach again.
Hang in there, and do your best to step out of the gloom and take a good look from above to where you could make a small positive intervention that might put you on your path towards your break.
PS: Check with your doctor before making any significant dietary changes.