What are you even talking about, plenty of people have kids at that age… I thought the post was going to be about being 60 or something. Stop whining and go do something about it if it means that much to you.
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
61–70 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#62Volunteer at an organization that serves children and families. Given the trajectory of your wants (from extreme avoidance to extreme regret) probably what you really would like is flexible time nurturing another generation. Many people other than parents may have a special influence in a child's life. Try being that inspirational nonparent mentor and friend, see how that feels.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#63> My life is now dominated by regret every day. I just can't get over that feeling. I've tried many things like therapy, counseling ect. It only helps for a little bit but I am still doing therapy. Some nights I wake up with panic and stay up all night with shallow breathing and high heart rate. I deal with it as follows: * Everyone is my child, I may have not birthed them, but I can have a parental feeling to just a…
I mean all the best to you and happy that you found your solution... but I absolutely hate meeting strangers that act like my parents
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#64Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#65You're 40.
It's not too late.
You have discovered it is the most important thing to you.
So do it. Do it.
Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids.
To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then you will have neither child nor wife. Take action to have a child - explain to your wife how you feel - if she wants to take that journey with you, great, if she doesn't then you both know that things have changed.
But act quick, because time is against you. You will be physically capable of having kids for many years to come, but every year past 40 it make less sense for a variety of reasons.
I only had one child, for which I am eternally grateful. I deeply wish I had more than one, for which I am eternally regretful. I left it too late to have more.
Kids are the best thing in the universe, and indeed for me personally, the very reason for living. I wish I had known that sooner in life.
And when you go onto the dating websites, be right up front about your situation. "I'm 40, I'm looking for a woman to have kids with fairly soon." Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job.
Be open to the idea of having kids with someone simply on the basis that you both want kids - start out separated and then do a great job of co-parenting as a mum and dad who were never "together" in the first place.
Post again on HN in two years and tell us the name of your baby, if you are so blessed.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#66If you get butterflies about what it could have been, perhaps try to have offsprings or adopt. You shouldn't discount adoption particularly if your wife is open. It's not too late, really it is not.
There is true joy to be had by loving someone unconditionally and I have found that nothing else in my life fills me up as my daughter's hug.
Best of luck
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#67Since this is Hacker News: Stallman's take on in this: Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html
I want people to know that this is just 1 guy his opinion and not a fact. Most of his arguments are valid but can also be debunked. It always comes down to opinion, it's very difficult to calculate the effects of creating new people that live ~80 years while not knowing what is going to happen in the next 80 years.
Another opinion is that nothing matters, in the end, our sun will die and and all life will stop existing. So arguing about whether to have kids or not, is waste of time. Do as you like. But then again... What about the journey?
The discussion can go on and on, in the end, it comes down to opinion.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#68Since this is Hacker News: Stallman's take on in this: Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html
He is influencing smart people to not have kids though so encouraging an idiocracy scenario. And we might need the smart kids to invent new ways out of global warming.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#69The best time for women to have children is (for most women) probably in their 20s. The best time to become a father is (for most men) probably in their 40s. This is an extremely unpopular opinion, although that doesn't make it incorrect. Instead we have millions choosing what amounts to genetic suicide. Of course this is also their prerogative.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#70As others have said- its not too late. Do it, and do it soon. In 10 years time it probably _will_ be too late.