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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#61

Post by drdec »

mooreds wrote: post #30

This is a real tough one. I have lived this and my best advice is that you should be equal partners. From personal experience, each partner contributes different strengths and abilities. Money is easy to divide and represents life energy but there is more to a partnership. Equal partners does not mean exactly the same effort. Do you split the household chores exactly 50%? Probably not. I look at this in the same ligh…

> If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor?

Legally speaking, an inheritance is not marital property. If you put it in a joint bank account or use it to improve joint property it can become marital property however.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#65

Post by skymer »

We pay all the monthly family bills (including joint purchases like cars, vacations or home improvements) in proportion to our earnings/wealth. We do not have a joint bank account. Any personal items like clothes, golf clubs, or suborbital space flights are decided on and paid for individually. If both people want a suborbital space flight but only one can afford it, the richer one would probably pay for both [if they intended to return home after the flight]. As long as both people have a reasonable amount of savings, this works fine.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#66

Post by rufius »

Basically all money is our money, jointly. We consult each other on purchases over ~$500, but otherwise don't worry too much.

We are in the minority of both being in tech, however she has maintained a job at a large tech company for upwards of a decade and gotten excellent performance ratings so she gets a lot of equity. I have hopped a little, going to small startups and large well known ones. In terms of sheer cash, she has basically always made more than me since we were ~26-27. We pace each other in "career growth", but if you're looking at real dollars we can use today, she makes more.

On paper, right now, I make more. But the equity piece of my comp is in a non-public startup and that's fine. It's beer money - hopefully it'll be worth something at some point, but I save and plan like it's not part of my mental model.

TL;DR - we treat our money as one big pile and consult each other on the bigger purchases.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#67

Post by ElCapitanMarkla »

This has never been an issue for us and I honestly think it can cause a shitty relationship. We’ve always treated our incomes as “our” money vs mine and yours, it’s just never been an issue.

Now we have a couple kids and it’s hardly worth her even working. It’s not an issue, it’s all just “our money”.

We have friends who still have a hard split in their finances, and we’re talking 10+ years in at this point, with kids and a house and still maintaining separate savings accounts. A couple have huge income differences and they have what seem to be the most stressful relationship, constantly working out who pays for what.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#68

Post by telman17 »

downut wrote: post #46
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

Congrats on 42 years! I look forward to being able to say the same.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#69

Post by Thespian2 »

When we started dating (over 20 years ago) my now wife and I had "yours, mine, and ours" piles of money. Our salaries went into our own accounts, each month we contributed a chunk to "ours" and paid for combined stuff from there.

Once we got married, we became a single financial entity. It's all "ours". Now I'm the salary person and she does way more labor than I do being the primary kid-care person. We help and support each other, and the family, together.

If you really are committed partners, let the ego go. Accounting who earned what may have a place in early relationships, but as others have said, is just exhausting.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#70

Post by Noted »

avani wrote: post #58

My husband and I have always had a deal where we live off the higher salary, and the lower is allocated as our "fun money" (dinners out, travel, etc.). We've swapped back and forth over 20 years, but it worked well for me psychologically when I was making less, since everything we did that wasn't grown up stuff came from "my" side of the budget,

That's pretty similar to what my wife and I do. It helps that my income is enough to fund the mortgage + expenses, but if she wasn't working we wouldn't have as nearly as much "fun money"
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