Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#61

Post by itsmemattchung » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:25 PM UTC

uniqueuid wrote: post #40

uniqueuid wrote: post #6

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…

Oh I forgot one important thing: When you become a parent, you suddenly join an invisible world-wide club. Parents empathize and help each other instinctively in many cases. People will come to your aid when you would never expect it. Accept the help. And pass it on when you see others struggling.

After having my first child, I have nothing but empathy for all other parents. Prior to stepping into father hood, I would (naively and constantly) judge other parents, telling myself I would never raise my kid like that.

Nope.

We all have constraints: familial support, financial support, etc.

We're all really doing the best we can.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#62

Post by HL33tibCe7 » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:25 PM UTC

uniqueuid wrote: post #23

sul_tasto wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, if your child is taking an antibiotic, say for an ear infection, don’t give them milk and medicine at the same time. It upsets their stomach, and they will vomit it all back up… and then some.

To add - most people don't take antibiotics seriously. Please do take all of your subscription as long as your doctor says you should. Otherwise, you're breeding resistant germs.

Everyone should listen to the advice of their doctors.

But I just thought I’d point out that the evidence that unconditionally finishing an entire course of antibiotics actually is necessary turns out to be very poor: https://www.bmj.com/content/358/bmj.j3418

If you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense. Prolonging an antibiotic course will increase, not decrease, the chance of organisms becoming resistant, and finishing a course of an antibiotic will by definition not kill resistant organisms anyway.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#63

Post by bennyp101 » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:26 PM UTC

Don't worry if you think you are doing it 'wrong', you aren't - just because a book or person says that "the way to deal with x is y" doesn't mean it will work for your kid - everyone is different, and we're all winging it!

As others have said, make sure you carve out time for yourself and partner - I know it can be scary leaving them for the first time - but seriously, you both need it and it will only make it easier if you do.

Talk about how you are feeling, a lot of people will instinctively ask how the mother is doing (perfectly normal thing to do) but often forget to ask how YOU are doing - you are in charge of a life now, so your brain is gonna be going 100mph figuring out how it all fits together. Talk about it.

Don't buy expensive clothes for the first few years, its pointless. They will be destroyed or outgrown before the tags are off!

Remember, they have no reasoning skills or fear. They are a bundle of love that will be moulded based on your input. They will look to you to see how they should (re)act. If they fall off the sofa and are fine, you have 2 choices how you react. Choose wisely!

Oh, and get as much sleep now as you can, you're gonna need it (and won't have it for a while!) :D

Edit: Also, they are fast! Amazingly so! Once they start crawling, they can be in a different part of the house before you have finished that sip of coffee you just took! Magnetic cupboard locks are great at keeping hands away from things.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#64

Post by gambiting » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:26 PM UTC

Father of a 13 month old here.

Couple things:

1) I feel like I was extremely well prepared for how to handle a baby - but I wasn't prepared how much this was going to affect my relationship. People generally don't mention it - but I feel like going throught the stress of living with an infant puts an enormous negative pressure on a relationship(it did for me). Things which normally wouldn't have bothered either of us, have erupted into full on arguments because we were both so tired. We're good now(or better at least) but yeah.....at least try to remember that both of you are going through this together and no, your partner isn't leaving out dirty bottles on purpose.

2) if the baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6-8 months, pay for a sleep consultant. That's what we've done, it was the best spent money in the world, I'd pay 10x as much as we have. Our baby boy was waking up literally every hour at night from 4 months of age until 8 months, I think we were on the verge of going mad, it was completely unsustainable. After a 2 week training session with a consultant he started sleeping through the night, now sleeps solidly from 7pm till 5am(which is fine with us).

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#65

Post by fxtentacle » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:26 PM UTC

Go to flea markets. Baby stuff is unreasonably expensive, considering how short you can use it. Why is a stroller $1000+ when you can buy a good handcart for $50? Also, shoes last like 1 month and are still $50 for a set. Plus at the flea market, you'll meet nice parents from your area.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#66

Post by aroundtown » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:27 PM UTC

Get all the sleep you can now.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Learn to accept you are not perfect and will screw up. At some point, when your child is older they will have some anger directed toward you for something you did (or didn't do). Likely something small and seemingly insignificant. This is normal.

Listen to your children, ask questions, be interested in what they are saying.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#67

Post by kaybe » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:27 PM UTC

lewisjoe wrote: post #22

lordnacho wrote: post #11

For the birth, it goes slowly. Waters break but it's still quite a while before the kid comes. Don't panic and don't spend all your energy at once. Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.

I regret not asking for a c-section explicitly. Coming from a traditional south-indian background I hesitated electing a c-section beforehand, trusting the doctor will take the best decisions based on the situation. I was wrong. The doctor pushed it too far and my baby had to be NICU-ed for a couple of days and even worse, I still have PTSD witnessing the trauma my spouse had to go through. I should have simply liste…

What did your spouse want? Was she out of commission? If you're not the one giving birth and not the responsible doctor it's not your call to make, is it?

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#68

Post by EvanAnderson » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:28 PM UTC

ranko wrote: post #48

Take your paternity leave (as much as you can). Drop down to a four day work week, even if you feel like it's a risky question to ask, as soon as you can. Everyone will tell you that you can't get the time with your kids back - and they're right, so spend the time with them now.

Can't echo this enough. You cannot get the time back. Tomorrow is never the same as today.

I have no regrets, but I do wish I hadn't put off anything to do with my daughter's childhood. There is no "later" when you say "we'll do this later". Whatever it may be, do it now or you might never get to do it.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#69

Post by nicholasbraker » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:28 PM UTC

1. Your child will be a mirror of oneself. Character traits (both positive and negative) will get back to you somehow. This also means that the example you give will have a profound impact the first few years 2. Accept that going to the movies, friends or restaurant spontaneously is out of the question. 3. Accept that some friends who you consider closest won't accept or understand the fact having children means [2] is not possible anymore (or at least not that easy) If you have a tendency to FOMO in a large social circle you're about to enter a world of pain.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#70

Post by nvahalik » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:28 PM UTC

Babies and their mothers have a special relationship. Don’t feel bad if you are not bonding at the same level.

Babies are resilient. Don’t beat yourself up over the little things. You’re going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents.

If you are a documentor, taking notes and pictures and storing them up is a cool idea.

Your parents probably have answers. Sometimes the answer is to wait it out. Kids cry. The get mild fevers. Not everything is a problem to solve. It’s just a process that you are a part of. Sometimes the answer is just being patient.