OP the book you need is called Crucial Conversations, it will change your life. Talks about both how to share your feelings and create a safe place for others to share their feelings with you.
Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
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Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#62The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…
I find NVC to be harmful and passive aggressive when wielded by some people. Any time we talk empathy it can turn into "what someone else just knows you're thinking" and the slippery slope into thought policing. And I've only heard of NVC folks using that. Personally, I prefer what can be demonstrably shown via past behavior combined with a sense of charity.
Hmm for me a course did wonders really. It really allowed me to better express my own needs and feelings and dial in the feelings of others.
What described above I've seen happen, but mostly with beginners or people that use this new found ideas as agenda but without actually connecting with the other, expecting miracles or use NVC as a tool for policing. Or people that were already manipulative in the first place, but now just try to use NVC.
It can also come off as manipulative in an already unhealthy situation, where the relationship consists of so much mistrust that bringing anything new to the table is frowned upon and already met with suspicion.
My personal take away from it was to ensure that I prevent destructive communication and prevent blame using words things like "You should have" because they don't give the other tools to work with and actually address the problem at hand. For me the bottom line of the book was that us expressing our emotions and needs to allow the other, if willing, to actually address the problem at hand. It also made me see that sometimes effective communication was blocked because I had to deal with my own things first.
Communication, empathy, and time to actually listen, is something that unfortunately in my culture isn't thought as a core skill.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#63A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…
I do agree with the advice but I think the natural next-problem is someone is they'll follow it and end up sitting mutely nodding and listening for 20 minutes, then get disheartened because that is obviously not working well.
Being quiet is good but it has to be a component in a broader strategy. The point is still to help people solve their problems; just to have humility enough to realise that it is impossible to know what someone's problems are until they have told you. Guessing other people's problems has a bad success rate. I think the really enlightened strategy is understanding that everyone wants everyone around them to be successful and then being effective at bringing that out into the open and welding a community together.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#64There are a lot of comments here that tell you to listen and to give your focus to the other individual. To give this a bit more specificity, I would highly recommend learning how to paraphrase and mirror (https://counseling.education/counseling/skills/reflecting.ht...). It took me a long time to recognize this, but now that I do, I see it everywhere in empathetic individuals. To put it simply, summarizing the other individual's emotion and telling it back to them ("that sounds like a stressful situation") without offering solutions helps the other party feel heard.
What's also been really helpful for me was when I began seeing a therapist. These are skilled professionals, and if you listen carefully, you can hear how they craft their words to foster connection. You might be able to take inspiration from the way they lead and listen during conversations.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#65A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…
Yep, STFU is the way to go.
I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it.
In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off".
And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern me and I won't ask anymore".
In general, I overthink those thinks and too quickly think that it's something with me related. I think mentioning that they can say: "it doesn't concern you" makes me more comfortable that it's not related to me and that they don't want to talk about it too.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#66A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…
Yep, STFU is the way to go. I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it. In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off". And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern m…
> In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off".
Often I think this is unnecessarily confrontational and it can come off as aggressive. Here are three useful "hacks" for humans:
1. Just sit there and say nothing. People naturally want to fill that empty void so will start talking. Just engage on whatever subject they bring up; or
2. Alternatively, make a general uncontroversial statement. This has to be tailored to the situation. Your interests, their interests and context. Something like "I can't believe how crazy the NFL postseason was this year"; or
3. Ask a noncontroversial question. Yes/no questions tend to be worse than non-binary questions. A good template here is "How do you feel about X?" where X isn't something like "Trump" but is more like "boneless wings being chicken nuggets".
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#67A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…
This.
The ability to just listen to what other people open up to you about and not give your personal view or wisdom on every single thing is akin to an actual super power in the modern work place.
Train your mind to not come up with a reply while listening, as that will limit how much of what you are hearing is actually registered. The speaker will also subconsciously pick up on body cues indicating how well or badly you are listening.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#68Listen, ask open questions like "how does that make you feel?" then things like "I am sorry to hear that", "do you want a hug?", "how long have you been feeling this way?"...passing no judgement nor offering a solution. Only listening, empathizing and being there. Giving people space to share is important so giving them time to gather their thoughts and form sentences helps.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#69My wife is near to completing a degree in person centred counselling.
The core tenet of this approach is that the counsellor is not an expert in the client, the client is.
One of the main things a counsellor must do is offer Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Essentially this is being non judgemental, and unconditionally warm, allowing the client to explore their own feelings.
Sounds simple, but I can testify that it can be hard to achieve, particularly when the client is expressing things that therapist finds uncomfortable or disagrees with.
Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?
#70Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yep, STFU is the way to go. I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it. In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off". And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern m…
> In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off". Often I think this is unnecessarily confrontational and it can come off as aggressive. Here are three useful "hacks" for humans: 1. Just sit there and say nothing. People naturally want to fill that empty void so will start talking. Just engage on whatever subject they br…
Well, I do agree that it's somewhat confronting, but it get's results pretty fast.
A lot of it really depends on how you say the: "If it's private, just say stfu and I will not ask anymore".
It can be funny and disarming. It means that you want to know what is going on and that they should have no problems with saying that they don't want to talk about it. It doesn't translate well to written text.
In a lot of cases, you don't need to follow-up anymore and they will talk from their own. They are aware that you won't ask anymore, without them going forward on initiating the talk.