Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

Make friendships with groups. I lucked into it, since I am not great at doing it myself. But I've seen people do it (other friends of mine in the group).

Every 3 months we rent a house and chill with each other in the weekend, give each other workshops, talk about life, drink amazing wines and cook our best dishes.

Doing this is different than being friends individually with them, which I also am. To me, it feels I am much more supported.

I share your sentiment with what type of people you want to meet. In my case, I've been lucky to have studied a business program (that I dropped out of) and meet my friends there, that still are my friends to this day. From there the friendship group grew. It means that I am the geekiest of the 5, and they tolerate that since I focus on being curious, adventurous, playful, creative, a little crazy and fanciful with them. I position myself a bit as a curious bon vivant that happens to have a geeky side. It's not that I don't have those traits, but I do emphasize them more than I otherwise would. And honestly, I like it. Pulling out the adventurous side in me is exactly what gives life a little fun, you know? I mean, from a rational point of view I find it utter nonsense because all I care about is truth and advancing it. Science is wonderful, it is an amazing tool to know that something is true, false or has some probability value to be true or false. But from an emotional point of view, adventure baby!

So if you have friends that are relatively tight with each other and you are as well. Make a conscious effort to become a group. Get an AirBnB, get an activity list and do a weekend getaway together.

What also helps me is my girlfriend. Her view on the world brightens my life, even when I feel utter shit because my career is going nowhere (as a programmer), or even when I feel lonely. She takes a lot of the loneliness away to be honest.

With that said, I feel a similar sentiment to some extent to what you say. In that sense, I am not the perfect rolemodel, not by a long shot. But the two things I wrote above (consciously formed friendship groups + consciously formed friendship culture, my girlfriend), they help me feel that life is worthwhile.

Hey, I realize I could be way off base here… but other times when there are posts with a tenor similar to yours - the thought often seems to be burnout.

Is it possible that's a factor here?

I’ve found a lot of satisfaction in working in volunteer Service. Not the kind that we wear like a badge, but the kind where we make a huge difference, and no one notices that we did it.

Of course, there’s a lot more to my story, but that’s where it ended up, and it has made all the difference in the world.

Nothing good is ever easy, and the most interesting roads are full of twists and turns.

I sincerely wish you well.

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there:

  1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations.
  2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, keep conversations going by trying to share anything you think is slightly relevant.
  3. Dress up. Wear things that stick out, even just a bit, a funky shirt, a nice bright pair of socks, use these to add flare to a standard dark blue and grey world, people will reflect back and be interested in you.
  4. Pick one new thing you want to master (not online) my advice here for all round great friend activities - Rockclimbing, Pub Quizes, Boardgame nights, Cycling, Pottery. Each of these almost always need another person to make them work and that helps you grow your confidence.
  5. Don't work so hard. Tell your boss you wanna slow it down, try and do 4 day weeks, give back some commitments, take a pay cut. Don't quit just slow it down and give your head some space.

I'm 35, I just quit my /Director of Product role at a successful startup because I wasn't happy. I'm about to go to Thailand to learn how to become a yoga teacher, not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me and is nowhere near a computer! You can do it! Put a plan in motion.

HN Believes in you! :D

Some ideas that may or may not pan out:

- Get a pet.

- Volunteer for a non-profit organization.

- Go to church.

- Visit and talk frequently with family members.

- Join an online dating service.

- Talk with or visit your neighbors as frequently as feasible.

- Every time you go out shopping, make a point of engaging in light conversation with people who work where you shop.

- Take music lessons at a music store. Make a point of engaging in light conversation with anyone you see there.

- Take night courses at a college. Any subject. Make a point of engaging in light conversation with anyone in your classes. Suggest that you study together.

What you need are random collisions with other people. More random collisions means a higher probability of meeting someone you get along well with.