Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

Eliminate habits that repel others and work on habits that attract them.

Don't be annoying. Don't try to make things about yourself. Don't correct people. Don't offer unsolicited advice. Don't be creepy to girls. Don't be pushy. There are myriad ways to be annoying.

Be pleasant. People strongly remember how you make them feel, so be sure your influence is positive. It's better to leave them wanting more than overdoing it and making them sick of you.

You can't be the judge of whether you are socially attractive or repulsive. Only others can do that. Don't fall back on ego-preserving self-deception, but accept their judgment and learn from it. At worst, the group isn't a good fit for you, in which case it's best to gracefully move on. The particulars of an intramural football team are going to be very different from the those of a math study group. Look to join groups that play to your strengths and not to your weaknesses.

Initiating relationships can be a risk to our egos, as almost all of us fear rejection. “What if they don’t want me here”, “what if they don’t come to my party”, “what if I ask them to hang out and they say no”, “what if I end up not liking them “ etc… It takes effort, but if you can get comfortable at initiating relationships you’ll find that majority of time people are happy that you reached out.

There is literature that can help to. Some cognitive behavioral therapy books deal with social anxiety and Dale Carnegie famously wrote “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and I’m sure there are others who deal with the subject that I’m not remembering right now.

Also, as other’s have mentioned, join clubs and extracurriculars, espoused those focused on a shared endeavor rather than just a shared interest. Team sports, volunteerism, hiking, or other group project based forums are great. I’m college I made a huge number of friends in the football team, and post college I made some dear friends on dodgeball and bocce teams.

Let me give some very specific advice about Halloween in the hopes you can generalize. For Halloween, you have couple of options- 1) I’m willing to bet there is some form of public party at your college or in town. That’s your default option- make a costume. 2) Ask your acquaintances what they are doing for Halloween. They’ll probably tell you and ask you back what you are doing. Tell them you don’t really have plans, but might you might go to the public event in 1. If they didn’t have plans, invite them to come with you. If they did, they might invite you to them, so accept. Repeat with acquaintances until you are going with someone or small group. These are proto-friends.

Halloween events are great because everyone is wearing a conversation starter- their costume. Something like “Oh my gosh, I love your costume, WandaVision was amazing” is almost guaranteed to at least get a smile and pleasant response. If you enjoy the conversation at all, get their contact info (and write down a quick note in your contact lists notes field about them- “awesome Vision costume, studying geology”), and invite them to join you and or your little group.

By the end of the evening you should have had some bonding with a few people and contacts for more potential friends.

Good luck, and remember everyone else wants someone to be their friend, too.

later i joined a volunteer group that helped students get summer jobs.

all my friends came from groups like these...

Cool idea on halloween, do you think just go on campus and hand it out? Sounds kinda fun lol.

Heading for lunch was also a sad affair as it was pretty much just me and my food watching the world go by.

What helped me was to get involved in societies etc. I found making a couple of friends easier after this (though i was still a little shy around women).

The key was to just be myself, not give a shit about what other people thought of me, and to try and enjoy each and every interaction with another human being. I think if you overthink how other people perceive you, it will make it harder for you to make friends. Simply dont give a shit and voice ur opinions (unless they're extreme and illegal)

Funnily enough, as I got older, I found I much prefer being alone and focusing on my own interests and personal development.

I now cannot be asked to go out socialising at the expense of my own insular interests.

Reason I mention the last point is that as hard and lonely university will seem right now, things will get better for you. You may find,like I did, that people are insufferable wretches best observed from a distance.