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Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#61

Post by Mz »

If you really, truly think you are being bullied, then perhaps you should to go HR and report it. Since that seems to not have crossed your mind, I have to wonder why? And it makes me suspect that it isn't as simple as she is merely a meanie who is mistreating you and you have done nothing wrong.

And that brings me to this:

You don't necessarily need to apologize to her, but you should make every effort to show your respects to this person. Even men who mean well and are trying hard to not be sexist often fail to genuinely treat female colleagues with the same degree of professional respect they treat their male colleagues. So, assume you fell short somehow and try to rise to the occasion and get it right this time. Quit blaming her, accusing her, acting like it is all her fault, etc. Be an exemplary professional and expect to earn her trust and her respect.

Best. It sucks to have workplace friction, no matter the reason.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#62

Post by run4yourlives2 »

teilo wrote: post #60

Do Not Apologize! That is a recipe for censure, failure, and a permanent record. It is also a way to guarantee the problem will only get worse. Your apology will be used as an admission of guilt, and she will use this against you. Ignore the advice which others give here to approach her directly. That too is a recipe for disaster. She will use this "one-on-one" time to drum up additional charges against you. You cann…

Are you being sarcastic?

I only ask because this sounds like a great way to escalate the situation and get OP fired. (I don't care how bad she is, she has experience capital and OP does not. She is more valuable to them than he is, end of story.)

An underhanded "I'm going to get you" approach only labels you as a toxic employee. Perhaps she may already have that label with colleagues and within the industry and she is tolerated based on work output. I don't see how it is productive for OP to join that club, particularly with little to no counterbalance.

I'm not sure what type of experiences you have had in your career to conclude that your recommended approach is a good one, but launching a nuclear assault because someone shot a rifle your way is not a very effective solution unless your goal is to destroy everything, including yourself.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#64

Post by quesera »

genericperson wrote: post #12
rcavezza wrote: post #11

"On my first week, me and the PO had a disagreement during a Scrum Grooming. It wasn’t a big deal for me but it must have been a big deal for her." Can you elaborate on this? What was the disagreement?

I would rather not make it explicit since it would provide enough information for any colleagues of mine reading HN to connect the dots and be 100% sure who I am. I was pressured to do something during that meeting, I refused with the argument that it wouldn't benefit any of us and I explained why. The person kept asking. I kept refusing. It was uncomfortable. I know I've handled that particular situation in a bad wa…

Yes, that was a mistake.

Short of unethical business practices, a new contract employee really doesn't have organizational standing to say "no" to anything.

If you're a consultant and they're paying you for your breadth of experience, you can certainly advise a different path. And you can make a stay/go decision based on the organization's choice.

But as a contract employee, or any new employee, you have much less invested in the organization than the people you work with do. You are reasonably expected to defer to their judgement in organizational matters.

Over time that might change, but it doesn't always. In some companies, contractors are always second class citizens.

It sounds to me like your PO has specific expectations, and you flipped the "loyal and cooperative" bit in the wrong direction. She might be overreacting, or perceiving it as a challenge due to gender differences. It doesn't matter, even if you are ultimately proven correct, you need to be someone she can work with and trust, and right now you are not.

An apology might work. In my experience, nothing else will.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#65

Post by teilo »

run4yourlives2 wrote: post #62
teilo wrote: post #60

Do Not Apologize! That is a recipe for censure, failure, and a permanent record. It is also a way to guarantee the problem will only get worse. Your apology will be used as an admission of guilt, and she will use this against you. Ignore the advice which others give here to approach her directly. That too is a recipe for disaster. She will use this "one-on-one" time to drum up additional charges against you. You cann…

Are you being sarcastic? I only ask because this sounds like a great way to escalate the situation and get OP fired. (I don't care how bad she is, she has experience capital and OP does not. She is more valuable to them than he is, end of story.) An underhanded "I'm going to get you" approach only labels you as a toxic employee. Perhaps she may already have that label with colleagues and within the industry and she i…

No, I am not being sarcastic. I am being a cold realist. This is the path to self-preservation.

I did not advocate an "I'm going to get you approach" in the least. I am advocating the opposite: that the OP distance himself from his own reactions, and take whatever steps are necessary to make her behavior rebound back on her. No tricks or traps. No revenge plotting. No righteous indignation. No character assassination. Cold and careful strategy. Recognize the threat. Stay in control. Collect your evidence. Act to mitigate it using the established means that exist to do so.

She invoked the nuclear option the moment she played the sexism card. This means she feels threatened by his work. Not by him, but by his work. There is no going back once this happens. Anyone who falsely makes or implies such a thing is a direct threat to your career and reputation. You have to treat it like a loaded gun is aimed at you. As I said, she can end this at any time by changing her behavior, which in this case means admitting that no sexism occurred and that she was the guilty party.

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