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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#541

Post by jrochkind1 »

ceedon wrote: post #314
mradek wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

My SO is a therapist. Something to keep in mind: Many quality therapists have stopped taking insurance due to the influx of folks seeking care coupled w/ insurance tightening what they pay out. I'm certain there are plenty of good therapists who will take their time with you at the discount implied by insurance, but you're more likely to get that experience if you're paying full rate.

OP is not in USA though.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#542

Post by rrgok »

docmars wrote: post #497
rchaud wrote: post #453

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The eyes never lie. Neither does body language; posture, tone of voice, conversational flow. All of those things change for the better when a person is genuinely content and secure with who and what they are.

I think for me, the hardest part is reconciling two things: 1) maybe being _too content_ or satisfied with life's mundanity — the idea of being settled down and spending most of my free time at home with my dog, playing video games, reading news, watching interesting videos, and occasionally reading a good book — with the occasional social gathering with friends, whether that's hosting a small party, or going to a fu…

This is me, this is me. Ahah. But, I'm not sure I'm looking for a wife though. it is draining having a partner/relationship for me. After a while, I just go silent and kinda avoid communication. I'm in my 30s, sometime I'm scared to be old and alone. I can't make my mind up. The fact is that I mostly like doing my hobbies alone. This makes difficult for me to have companionship. Even eating, I prefer to do it alone.

May I ask your age bracket?

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#543

Post by mancerayder »

ravenstine wrote: post #501
vjulian wrote: post #316

No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. OP, I’ve seen many people turn around after aged 40, including a friend who got married for the first time at aged 58. She’s energetic and attractive and incidentally also turned her life around after 40. My two pennies would suggest you throw the past expectations out the window, determine where your passions lie, and…

THANK YOU I know "see a therapist" is generally meant well, and therapy can definitely help, but people are way too quick to suggest it, and suggest it as a must . It can communicate that a person is broken when their situation can be due to any number of things besides brokenness. I think most people know that therapy is an option, and I think many also underestimate the difficulty in not only finding an adequate th…

"See a Therapist" being the first, top-voted comment is to me a sign of a sick society, where loneliness reigns. In a world where in middle-age your closest friends are married with kids, and most people prefer to be 'remote-first' in friendships (you chat online with even friends you know), the answer "see a therapist" is for most people instead just a proxy for the gap: the gap of close friends and family to be able to bounce ideas and feelings off of.

What should see a therapist is society itself, with top answers like that. Therapy should be reserved for the eccentric pathologies, not for routine middle-age crises and life situations.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#544

Post by pempem »

BizarreByte wrote: post #468
theteapot wrote: post #441

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"See a therapist" almost seems condescending even to average people with average jobs. Did you read the bit about $25K in savings? Or the part about there are "no mental health facilities in the small town where I live"? How's he afford a therapist, time or money wise?

> Or the part about There are "no mental health facilities in the small town where I live" HN is hugely biased towards people who live in cities. A lot of the posters simply do not understand how a lot of us outside the cities live, and the resources they take for granted that we don't have access to. For me the drive to the nearest therapist is measured not in minutes, but hours. That's impossible for someone who ha…

There are telehealth options now and while thay arent uiversal or a cure all, it expands the scope of possibility

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#545

Post by engineeringwoke »

dang wrote: post #448
engineeringwoke wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Clinical depression and mood issues need to be treated with medication. How to know someone is American before they even mention "other English speaking countries"

Please don't take HN threads into nationalistic flamewar. There could be an interesting point to make about how different countries and cultures approach mental illness, but snark and internet tropes are exactly the wrong way to do it. The HN guidelines include: " Don't be snarky. " " Eschew flamebait. " " Omit internet tropes. " https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#547

Post by scottLobster »

mancerayder wrote: post #539
yodsanklai wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

> I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder. You're also most likely much more selective. In your 20's and 30's, there's no feeling of a clock ticking.

Yeah, as weird as it sounds, my wife and I are probably together now 14 years after we met because we had relatively low standards in our early 20s. Obviously you should have some baselines for fundamental character traits when considering a long-term partner, but we were both well-intentioned-but-half-developed at 21. If either one of us had been in a position to look down on our relatively lackluster lifestyles at that point, we probably wouldn't be happily married today.

I guess my point is prioritize fundamental character (honesty, communication, loyalty, values, etc), and someone you can have fun with. The rest can be taken care of with time and effort.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#548

Post by beachy »

thesaintlives wrote: post #58

Dude! Get a grip. 43? You still have plenty of time to meet all your objectives. Women, family, career etc. You need a complete change of outlook. Spend some of that money and get psychological counselling. A positive outlook generates results, it is that simple. Get the mental tools to deal with life and build your house!

This advice is confrontational but somewhat true.

At 47 you are at the half way mark in life. There's plenty of time left, but yes you need to get a move on.

You are a great age to meet your future wife, who will still be young enough to have a baby.

You have your health, which is the great enabler that you need to follow any of the other great advice from here.

You have great job skills, you probably don't need to face up to working evening shift at Starbucks to make ends meet.

Look on this as a puzzle with most of the pieces already solved. Just a couple more to go, and the board will become easier.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#550

Post by riku_iki »

gwd wrote: post #281
necovek wrote: post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender). And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. There are loads of kids taken away from parents who for whatever reason can't really care for them. Often there's a generational component: the kid's grandparent abused or couldn't su…

Additionally, there are many single women with kids, which also will be happy to restore semi-normal family and find life long partner.
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